How to restore broken relationships?

Tips and key ideas on how to rebuild a damaged relationship.

As the social animals that we are, personal relationships are one of the most important elements in people's lives. They are not only networks of alliances that offer support and help at key moments; they also help us to know ourselves and, of course, offer us the possibility of loving and connecting emotionally with people who are important to us, one of the most enriching experiences.

However, it would be a mistake to assume it would be a mistake to assume that emotional relationships will always be there no matter what happens or what we do.Sometimes they deteriorate to the point of practically breaking, but the good news is that many times this has a solution: family and couple therapy are an example of this.

5 psychological keys to repair broken relationships

These are the main pillars on which any strategy to restore a broken or damaged emotional relationship must be built.

1. Knowing when to raise the dialogue in order to reconnect

Trying to talk to the other person and clarify things as soon as possible is not always positive; in this aspect, it is necessary to take into account that the other person is not a robot and it is necessary to take into account his or her emotional state and the way in which this influences his or her willingness to communicate.

It is important to keep in mind that the moment of reconciliation requires involvement on the part of both parties.You cannot expect the other person to be receptive to this possibility at any time. For example, just after a big argument it is often hasty if the other person is still much angrier than we are. It is necessary to choose a time and place where there is privacy, time that can be dedicated to talk, and an emotional disposition that makes it possible to really talk, and not simply exchange words.

Of course, it is also necessary to take into account the trap-thoughts that lead us not to dare to talk about what happened and expose us to criticism and to options of change in the way of relating to the other. The reasons that lead us to postpone the conversation must be reasonable and adjusted to objective criteria.

Reconciliation cannot be achieved without listening first.

Many people willing to reconcile with someone important to them are eager to express their opinions and views about what has happened and damaged the relationship. However, this approach is often counterproductive, because it is too one-sided, and what should be sought is a meeting of the minds. what should be sought is a mutual encounter..

Therefore, when taking the first steps to "make peace" and/or initiate a new stage of the relationship, it is necessary to do so by showing from the first minute a genuine interest in listening to the other person and accepting that it may be more important for the other person to speak, depending on what he/she expresses and the context in which the conversation takes place.

3. Personal insecurities are worked through separately.

Many times, the emotional bonds that unite two people are damaged by the fears and insecurities of one of them, who projects his fears on the other when interpreting what he does. This is clearly seen in the case of the excess of jealousyThe belief that one is not valuable enough to deserve the fidelity of the person one loves leads to the assumption that there are many possibilities that he/she will leave us and go with someone else, and this generates anxiety and an attitude of hypervigilance that deteriorates the relationship.

In these cases, it is important to know that it is necessary to start by learning to value oneself, and this is something in which the other person can participate, but we cannot depend on their involvement, because this dependence would feed these insecurities. Self-esteem is something that cannot depend on another person.

4. Criticism is necessary

Criticism is not bad in itself, as long as it is constructive criticism.. In fact, they are necessary to correct patterns of behavior that have damaged the relationship we want to repair. However, it is important to establish a pact that involves both of you: criticisms are directed towards behaviors, not towards the identity or essence of the person. In this way, the conversation is focused on the need to modify a certain behavior.

5. Damages must be repaired

Sometimes, it will not be possible to fully repair the damage caused, but it is always important to try to approximate the idea of retribution. it is always important to try to come closer to the idea of retribution.. The importance of this has to do with demonstrating commitment so that things in the relationship change qualitatively and that affective bond moves on to a better stage than the previous one. Actions matter more than words when apologizing and correcting a way of behaving.

Are you interested in starting a process of family or couple therapy?

If you are considering seeking professional help to start going to couples therapy or family therapy, I invite you to contact me.

At Psicoconsulting we work with both individual patients and families and couples seeking to strengthen their relationship and overcome conflict dynamics. A partir de un programa de intervención adaptado a cada caso y que puede tener lugar de manera presencial o por videollamada, crearemos un espacio en el que desarrollar habilidades comunicativas, de gestión emocional y de mejora de la capacidad de conectar con el otro.

Referencias bibliográficas:

• Acker, M.; Davis, M. (1992). Intimacy, passion, and commitment in adult romantic relationships: a test of the triangular theory of love. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 9(1): pp. 21 - 50.
• Blow, A.J. & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in Committed Relationships II: A Substantive Review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31: pp. 217 - 233.
• Christensen, A.; Atkins, D.C.; Yi, J.; Baucom, D.H. & George, W.H. (2006). Couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy.J Consult Clin Psychol, 74(6): pp. 1180 - 1191.
• Snowman, J. (1997). Educational Psychology: What Do We Teach, What Should We Teach? Educational Psychology, 9, pp. 151 - 169.
• De la Villa Moral Jiménez, M. & Sirvent Ruiz, C. (2008). Sentimental or affective dependencies: etiology, classification and assessment. University of Oviedo. Department of Psychology. Area of Social Psychology.
• Shackelford, T.K.; Voracek, M.; Schmitt, D.P.; Buss, D.M.; Weekes-Shackelford, V.A.; Michalski, R.L. (2004). Romantic jealousy in early adulthood and in later life. Human Nature. 15(3): 283 - 300.