How to set limits for children: 10 tips on how to educate them.

Several tips on how to educate the smallest of the house, helping them to be responsible.

Every good father and mother loves their children but, sometimes, the smallest of the house do not know how to control themselves, they misbehave and can cause more than some displeasure.

That is why, to guarantee a good dynamic in the home and the happiness of all the members of the family, it is necessary to set clear limits for the children. The way it should be done must be healthy and without them feeling that they are being deprived of exploring the world and testing their abilities and curiosity, traits that are very characteristic of any healthy childhood.

That is why in this article, as a guide for any parent desperately trying to know how to set limits for childrenWe are going to make a compilation of some tips and effective strategies to make children learn what they can and cannot do.

How to set limits for children?

In the last decades there has been a greater sensibility towards the childhood and a contrary vision has been taken to the mistreatment and the physical and emotional abuse towards the children. However, as a side effect of this, more and more parents, in an attempt to please their children, have ended up having spoiled children who do not respect their elders.

This is why it is so important to know how to set limits for children and to avoid situations that, as they grow up, will turn them into socially and occupationally ill-adjusted adults. socially and occupationally. Here is how to do it.

1. Proportionate and fair limits

The child must perceive the limit as something fair. And, for this to happen, it really must be an appropriate limit, not the result of an imposition at the pleasure of the adult who sets it.

When limits are set, the objective is to make the child understand what is right for him to do and what is not, and why the limit exists.

So, you should not try to humiliate the child and make him/her see that he/she cannot do a specific action because the adult tells him/her to shut up.

Disproportionate limits contribute to the child's frustration, and may also affect his personality in the long run, as he is afraid to dare to do things for fear of being unfairly punished.

2. Kindness is not the same as permissiveness.

Parents should be kind, avoiding that the bad day they may have had at work or because of a tantrum of their children makes them bring out a whole series of bad emotions that, of course, will have a negative impact on the child. But this does not mean that any action of the child should be tolerated, preventing him from feeling sad or angry at some point.avoiding making the child feel sad or angry at some point.

Allowing any mischief of the child to go on, without the parents daring to scold him, clearly means that the child does not have any marked limits and believes he has the right to do whatever he wants.

3. Make the child reflect on what he/she has done.

The typical situation at home: the child breaks a vase and the parents get very angry, punishing him by not allowing him to play with the console. It is logical to think that through negative reinforcement the child will stop doing what he has done; however, will he be aware that what he has done is wrong?

If the child does something and the parents immediately respond with anger and punishment, a very important step in education and learning is actually being omitted: reflection.

When the child does something wrong, it is necessary to sit down for a moment with him/her. and calmly explain to him why what he has done is not right. Punishment comes after giving him a clear and concise explanation of why he should not do what he has done again.

4. Get him to help fix what he has done wrong.

Learning is not only about learning how to do things, but also about seeing one's own mistakes and learning how to remedy them.

That is why making the child contribute to finding a solution to the damage he has done becomes a great educational opportunity, making him see the effort involved in having to fix a bad action he has done.

For example, if he has broken a vase, he can be made to think about how he can fix what he has done, and once he has reached the conclusion that he will have to put the vase back together again, he can do it himself or with the help of an adult.

5. Disapprove the behavior, not the child

A mistake that many parents make when setting limits is to be too strict, so much so that they can make a mistake and instead of punishing what the child has done wrong, punish a part of the child's behavior. they may make a mistake and instead of punishing what the child has done wrong, they punish a part of his or her personality..

It is quite common to scold the child for how he is instead of what he has done, and that, of course, will hurt him in the long run, since it can punish interesting traits such as curiosity or assertiveness.

If the child has gone out in the street without permission to meet a friend, he should not be punished by forbidding him to go out again. He should be punished in other ways, but not by forbidding him to socialize or to have contact with the outside world. or having contact with the outside world.

When applying the punishment, the action being punished should be explained, and the child should not think that he/she is being punished because he/she is being bullied.

6. Be firm

Many times, parents, when faced with an unruly child, decide to be firm once and for all and apply the punishment, but when the child starts pouting or making sheep's eyes, they soften and tell themselves that for once they are going to let it go.

This is a mistake. You have to be firm and let the punishment go the distance.. In this way the child will not see his parents as easily manipulated adults who have them eating out of their hands and who, therefore, can do whatever they want.

But you should not only be firm with punishments, but also when it comes to applying a routine to the child. For example, you cannot allow him to go to bed at 9 o'clock one day, at 10 o'clock the next and at 11 o'clock the next.

7. Propose alternatives

It is quite possible that when it comes to setting a limit, the child sees it as something very authoritarian and that does not invite him to give his opinion or his vision of the new rule to comply with, perceiving the adult as if he were a dictator.

That is why, in order to avoid seeing the limit as something too static and fixed, a good option is to propose alternatives, a good option is to propose alternatives in the form of a series of acceptable behaviors..

In this way, the child will see that he really has a wide repertoire of possibilities and that he is not really being deprived of the freedom he might think at first.

8. Emphasize the positive

Orders can be perceived as something desirable to do if they are perceived in positive terms.

This means that if the adult changes his or her language to a more positive one, in addition to highlighting the things the child is doing well, is more likely to be motivated and try harder and more carefully to do things..

For example, instead of telling the child when he is speaking in a loud tone 'don't shout', it is better to rephrase this phrase in less negative terms, such as 'please speak a little quieter'. It doesn't sound like such an imposing command.

9. Control emotions

This may seem like the most obvious advice of all and the one that 'all' parents assume they follow when it comes to applying limits and punishments to their children. Let's face it, who hasn't lost their temper on more than one occasion?

When you are in a bad mood, whether angry, tired or sad, you are more likely to be disproportionate when it comes to applying a punishment to the mischief of the little one of the or not being completely objective when deciding on a limit or a new rule to follow.

That is why, even if it is difficult, before saying or doing something that is not going to benefit our offspring, let's take a breath, try to calm the mind and, if we cannot, ask another adult to take care of the child or talk to him/her.

It is much more responsible to know when we are not qualified to raise our children than to try to do it totally out of our minds.

10. Managing tantrums

All children have tantrums. They arise with the intention of getting adults' attention and getting them to give them what they want. It is possible that the child's demand is legitimate, but the way he/she does it is not the right one..

The best way to make him see that this is not the way to ask for things is not to give him what he is looking for at that moment, which is to be the center of attention. If the child sees that the adult is not paying attention to him, sooner or later he will get tired of doing what he is doing because, let's face it, screaming, crying and kicking is a very tiring activity and the infant does not have unlimited energy.

But, be careful, this should be done with some caution, given that if the child starts breaking things or disturbing other people, we can get into serious trouble.. In that case, we must intervene, stopping him and, in addition, punishing him without what he was asking for.

In short, if the tantrum is harmless, we should ignore him and wait for him to calm down, in case he hurts others, we should stop him and make it clear that what he was demanding from us now he is not going to have it because of his own fault.

Bibliographical references:

• Palacios, J.; Marchesi, A. and Coll, C. (Comps.) (1999). Psychological Development and Education, Vol. 1: Developmental Psychology. Madrid: Alianza Editorial.
• Shaffer, D. R. and Kipp, K. (2007). Developmental psychology. Infancy and adolescence (7th. Ed.). Mexico: Thompson.