How to teach a child not to lie?

Several tips to help children not to get used to lying.

All children lie. They don't do it all the time, of course, but on more than one occasion in their tender childhood they will say something that is not true or try to blame something bad they have done on others.

It is not uncommon for children six or seven years old to say phrases such as "it wasn't me", "my little brother must have painted the wall" or "yes, I ate my sandwich at recess" when they know they are lying.

Honesty is a value that all parents try to instill in their children, and that is why many wonder how to teach a child not to lie. Next we will give the answer.

What to do to teach a child not to lie?

Lying is a common behavior in childhood. All children lie at some time, either very innocently, without being aware of it, or simply because they want to hide something bad they have done. There are even children who have fun lying, trying to confuse other children and even adults, simply for the satisfaction of deceiving others. simply for the satisfaction of deceiving others. Obviously, this last case is not very common, but lying can certainly seem playful to them.

Whatever the reason for a child's lying, if it becomes a very common behavior, it can lead to social problems. A child who lies all the time may become the least trustworthy child in his class, causing him to have no friends because his classmates are afraid that he will cheat and hurt them. However innocent a lie may be, if abused, it can become a tool that damages the trust of those around us.

While the consequences may not be as severe, it is clear that lying is not a good thing. In fact, in most societies it is considered immoral. This is why all parents want to instill in their children the values of honesty and sincerity.

However, it is not possible to teach these values without exercising them, it is not possible to teach these values without being a role model.. Young children are easily influenced, both good and bad, and their parents, older siblings and other children at school act as role models. If a lot of lies are told at home and at school, children will eventually learn that lying is okay, or at least that it is legitimate to lie sometimes.

Why do children lie?

There are many reasons why children lie. It is true that there are those who tell lies for the simple fact of having fun, deceiving their parents and peers to make them behave in the desired way, or to confuse them. However, this is not usually the norm, and there are usually other motives.

As we have discussed, adults and other peers with whom children come into contact exert an important influence on their behavior.. If the child sees that adults lie constantly, lying will not be seen as something ethically questionable, but as a legitimate behavior. This is why he will not have so many personal restrictions when it comes to hiding or misrepresenting the truth.

Another reason why a child may lie, especially to other young children, is that he or she needs to feel accepted.. It may be due to a great lack of self-esteem, causing the child, who does not trust himself, to exaggerate his abilities or say things about himself that are not true. For example, a child may feel inferior to the rest of his peers because he does not have a dog and, because he wants to be accepted, he lies that he does have one.

Children also lie to adults, but the reason is quite different. In this case, they usually lie to hide something bad that they have done or that they think is bad.. Here there is also a lack of self-esteem, but also a lack of trust towards adults, fear of severe punishment and parents. The child may feel so insecure that they do not know if what they are doing is good enough and, as they are afraid that, even if they have done well, their parents will see it as something bad, they prefer to keep quiet or lie.

How to stop lies?

One thing to keep in mind is that age is an important factor when considering lying in children. Up to the age of six, children have a lot of trouble differentiating between reality and fantasy.. For this reason it is advisable to start working from that age, since they cannot be taught not to lie without being aware that they are doing it.

To teach a child not to lie, the first thing to do is to know the reason why he/she has done it. As we have seen in the previous section, there are several reasons that push a child not to tell the truth. We cannot instill honesty and sincerity in them without understanding why they have done so, since simply telling them "it is wrong to lie" is an empty lesson. We must focus on the reason for lying, not on the lie itself, nor take it personally.

If the reason for lying is that he/she is afraid of our reaction, it is possible that the problem lies in our way of educating the child.. Parents who are too severe and harsh, far from fostering a strong and resilient character in their offspring, make him very insecure. He is afraid to tell the truth for fear of being punished and, therefore, prefers to lie. He lies, but feels very bad, and is afraid of feeling worse.

The problem here is quite deep, since lying is a symptom that the educational style we are using is not the most appropriate. The idea is not that we tolerate lying and misbehavior, but certainly the most appropriate thing to do is to lower the degree of severity. If he does something wrong, he should receive a penalty, but we should not abuse it or ignore that there are many good things that the child does.

If it is due to a lack of self-esteem, either because he feels intimidated or inferiorized by his peers or because of a problem at home, it is necessary to see a psychologist. It is not that parents cannot help their child to have a better self-esteem, in fact, they can do so by highlighting their child's strengths and helping them to overcome their weaknesses. However, with the guidance of a child psychologist we will be able to improve the child's self-esteem with scientifically proven techniques.

When it is discovered that the child has lied, it is very important not to accuse the child of lying, not even in an affectionate or joking tone.. Nor should the child be ridiculed or react in a brusque and angry manner. What should be asked, in a respectful and calm tone, is why he/she lied, knowing that this is not right. Humiliation, mockery and derogatory remarks will only make the problem worse, especially if the reason for lying is related to a lack of self-esteem.

Of course, in addition to understanding what has driven the child to lie and trying to understand it, there is also being an example for the child. As we have already mentioned, both parents and older siblings are an important role model for younger children, who imitate everything the older ones do. If the older ones misbehave, the younger children will also misbehave. To prevent the child from seeing telling lies as a legitimate behavior, the best thing to do is not to do it.

It is essential to to make them understand what the social consequences of lying are.It is essential to make them understand the social consequences of lying, beyond the punishments that may be given. They must understand that not being honest with others will make them distrust them. This will make it difficult for them to have friends, and they will not have an adequate social network to support them. También puede fomentar conductas de venganza, haciendo que los demás nos vean legítimo mentir a quien primero les mintió, dándoles de su propia medicina

Referencias bibliográficas:

• Oppliger, M., Talwar, V., & Crossman, A. (2011). Predictors of children’s prosocial lie-telling: Motivation, socialization variables, and moral understanding. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 110(3), 373–392. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2011.05.003
• Talwar, V., Arruda, C., & Yachison, S. (2015). The effects of punishment and appeals for honesty on children’s truth-telling behavior. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 130, 209–217. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2014.09.011
• Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2008). Social and cognitive correlates of children's lying behavior. Child development, 79(4), 866–881. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01164.x
• Xu, F., Bao, X., Fu, G., Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2010). Lying and truth-telling in children: from concept to action. Child development, 81(2), 581–596. doi:10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01417.x