’I feel like a roommate with my partner’: possible causes and what to do.

Boredom, apathy and monotony due to routine are very common problems in couples.

Emotional stagnation in the field of marriage or courtship is one of the usual reasons for consulting a psychologist. of those who come to the psychologist, either in individualized psychotherapy sessions or couple therapy.

However, most of the people who experience this phenomenon are not able to put words that define well what they feel, and tend to give very abstract explanations or even confusing and inconsistent at times. It is normal for this to happen: love is an experience based on emotions and is not meant to be limited by the use of language or logic, especially if you are not trained in psychology.

Thus, phrases such as "I feel like a roommate with my partner" are common.I'm just with my partner and that's all" or "we have become accustomed to each other and no longer expect anything". In this article we will review the general characteristics of this type of experiences, and their possible solutions or strategies to overcome them.

When living together as a couple turns into boredom.

Many times love is spoken of as the nucleus of couple relationships, and in part, it is true that it is. However, the fact of considering that a marriage or engagement is based on a clearly delimitable element which we call "love" and on which the whole relationship is built exposes us to a problem: emotions change, evolve, and with them so does the affective bond, for better or for worse..

In other words, it is clear that love is very important when establishing a couple relationship, but under this concept there is actually a flow of affection, feelings and intense emotions that bind us to that person, and this is transformed as the relationship goes through different phases: what we feel for that person after two years of courtship is not the same as the infatuation of the first weeks, and the coexistence of the first days under the same roof is little like those who have already formed a new family unit with the other.

None of this implies that a couple's relationship must always go from the bottom to the top in terms of satisfaction and happiness, but the fact is that some people are not always happy with their partner.But the fact is that some people notice that after a few months or several years, this cohabitation becomes a simple routine, the fact of knowing that the other person lives with us, nothing more. For one reason or another, in certain cases the relationship reaches a phase of stagnation in which boredom or even frustration predominates because of a lack of interest in doing things together.

This does not necessarily indicate that the relationship has no reason to exist; many times, what is behind this experience is not so much incompatibility with that person, but rather a series of habits unconsciously adopted by the partner. a series of habits unconsciously adopted by both of you when interacting with each other, which can be "unlearned".and that can be "unlearned" to make the relationship satisfactory again, and not simply tolerable.

Possible causes of emotional stagnation in couples.

Although each relationship is unique, there are generally a number of situations that have a great capacity to produce that feeling of "living with our partner". of being "living with our partner" just like that. They are the following.

• Work stress.
• Lack of sleep.
• Incompatibility of schedules.
• Lack of leisure habits due to lack of common friends or unfamiliarity with the environment (for example, after moving house).
• Poor management of discussions.
• Inability to address certain taboo subjects that hinder the relationship and its communication.

What can be done?

As we have seen, where some would only see the dramatic end of a love relationship, triggered by shortcomings in the essence of that love, there may be hidden psychosocial variables, relatively banal psychosocial variables may be hidden, but as the days go by they can accumulate and generate an enraged atmosphere. and generate a rarefied atmosphere in which passivity and apathy predominate. Or even psychopathological problems, especially in the area of mood disorders.

In any case, the best way to deal with these cases (and the only way, in the case of psychological disorders) is to go to a specialist in psychotherapy. In the psychologist's office it is possible to count on a professional who makes a diagnosis adjusted to each specific case, and who proposes solutions adapted to each person and couple.

Thus, from individualized therapy as well as from couple therapy, people learn ways to manage negative emotions.In this way, people learn ways to manage negative emotions, guidelines for effective and assertive communication, ways to keep the mind active and in constant interaction with the environment (and with others), and other ways to have a better predisposition to detect the potential sources of incentives of that love relationship, and to take advantage of them.

Specifically, cognitive-behavioral psychology works so that people modify their behavioral patterns starting by modifying and improving their framework of interpretation of what happens in their relationship, i.e., the set of beliefs and ideas from which they extract meaning to what happens when they are with the other person. In this way, it is possible to adopt a more constructive mentality and prone to detect opportunities or even promising projects to carry out together, as well as to improve communication between the two.

Are you looking for the help of a psychologist?

If you are interested in psychotherapeutic support to overcome problems related to the management of emotions or emotional relationships, contact me. I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model, and I work offering both face-to-face sessions (in Madrid) and online sessions by video call.