Interview Barbara Zapico: children and parental separation from Psychology

Psychologist Bárbara Zapico, expert in couple therapy, tells us how to face a divorce.

When there is a marital separation, it is often said that those who suffer the most are the children..

This, in many occasions, is totally true. In many occasions, the quarrels, the conflicts and the bad atmosphere between both ex-spouses end up seriously affecting the life and the harmony that every child deserves in his or her life. A family environment that goes through a marital breakup can present levels of stress and pessimism that can psychologically affect the child.

Bárbara Zapico talks to us about separations, from the child's point of view.

To find out more about these painful processes of divorce and separation, especially from the child's point of view, we talked to Madrid psychologist Bárbara Zapico, an authority in couple therapy who will shed light on this issue.

Bertrand Regader: What are the most frequent forms of discomfort that children of divorced couples complain about?

What children may complain most about is non-communication. Children, regardless of their age, need to be told about the situation. It is not necessary to tell them in detail what has happened in the couple, but it is necessary to make them participate in the situation and not leave them on the sidelines, since they belong to the family.

In legal proceedings involving marital problems or marital crises and divorces, sometimes there is a concept called Parental Alienation Syndrome. What is it, and why does it cause controversy, according to your point of view?

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a series of symptoms that occur in children as a result of the influence exerted by one parent so that the child rejects the other, generally in situations of separation/divorce. It would be a behavior of undervaluation, without justification.

It causes so much controversy because to date the APA has not recognized it as a disorder. On the other hand, it is very complicated to diagnose because sometimes the child himself refuses the evaluation coerced by the parent who applies it. It is also important that when talking about a diagnosis we really make sure that there has been no child abuse by one of the parents.

In what ways can a situation of parental alienation have an impact on a child's psychological well-being?

The consequences for children can be very harmful, causing psychological disorders such as anxiety, sadness... It is an affectation that produces a cognitive, behavioral and emotional alteration. The child is manipulated in such a way by one of the parents, that he/she comes to despise, hate, reject the other, without the latter having had a disruptive behavior with the child.

Is the appearance of traumatic memories frequent in children when their parents separate on bad terms? What should be done to communicate to children that their parents are separating or getting divorced? And what common mistakes are made? And what can be done to prevent them from feeling unprotected or alone, when they stop living with both parents?

The appearance of traumatic memories can appear in adult life, when one is aware of the way their parents separated and what they involved in that action. When the child is young, he/she is often unaware of the extent to which the behavior of his/her parents can affect him/her, since they are the attachment figures who protect him/her, take care of him/her and give him/her affection.

The communication of a separation has to be done when it is going to materialize. We cannot transmit information that is still in the air, because we destabilize the children. It is not possible to lie to them, but neither to make them dizzy. It is necessary to speak both parents with the child/s and to comment to them that now they are going to live in two different houses, that they are going to have two rooms, that their life is going to change?

We cannot tell them that we are playing a game and that they are going to have two houses... in short, we cannot deceive them, because children are much more aware of things than we think and they also have feelings that are not being taken into account.

The important thing is organization. You can make a chart with the days of the week that you are going to be with each parent so that they know it. Transmit affection, trust, ask them how they are each day, take an interest when they are not with you....

When it comes to offering psychological therapy to these minors who have suffered from the confrontation between their parents, what can be done to help them?

First of all, it is important to know that if both parents do not agree that the minor should attend or consult, he/she cannot be treated, except in cases where one of them has parental authority.

Generate a stable, reliable environment that allows them to express, if any, their anger and frustration about the situation.

What is the fundamental idea that a child has to keep in mind when it comes to understanding what is happening in a separation process?

The main idea is that he/she is not responsible for the separation. Depending on the child's age, he/she will be told some things or others, adapting to his/her capacity of understanding. It is necessary to transmit to the child that both parents will not stop loving him/her for seeing him/her less and that if he/she needs to ask questions or needs to talk, he/she can count on both parents at all times.