Interview with Bernardo Stamateas, author of "Toxic People".

The psychologist and best-selling author explains to us what exactly a 'toxic person' is.

The Argentinian Bernardo Stamateas is one of the psychologists with the greatest impact and popularity. And no wonder, since his works have always been among the best-selling books. He also stands out as a lecturer, where he often speaks about human relationships, leadership and self-improvement.

Of Greek descent, Stamateas has extensive training as a psychologist and sexologist, and his insight into human behavior leaves no one indifferent..

Today we had the pleasure of sharing a conversation with Bernardo Stamateas, to review various topics about his life, his work and his vision of reality.

Interview with Bernardo Stamateas

Bertrand Regader: The sequel to his biggest publishing success "Toxic People" is his latest book: "More Toxic People" (2014). What is happening in our daily lives so that we are constantly surrounded by people like this? Or do you think this has always been the case?

Bernardo Stamateas: Toxic people have always been around us and always will be. Anyone whose self-esteem is destroyed, which is usually forged during childhood, will have toxicity in his or her life to a greater or lesser extent and will fix his or her gaze on others. The reason is that they cannot find a meaning, a direction to their life and decide to stick to someone else's life. Generally, these are people with big relationship problems who, even if they seem big and important, hide behind masks that they consciously or unconsciously try to sell to others.

Thousands of people live this way every day, perhaps the freedom and technological progress that we enjoy today in most societies makes these attitudes more evident and exposed, unlike other times when they were hidden or ignored. However, the damage they caused was no less.

B.R. B.R.: What are the main traits that define toxic people?

Stamateas: As I explain in my book "More Toxic People", every human being possesses some toxic trait, which is equivalent to an immature air of his or her personality. The truth is that we all come "factory-failed". The difference with the toxic person is that for the latter it is not a characteristic but a way of living, thinking and acting.

Being toxic is a way of functioning. Another important difference is that most people try to improve their negative traits (for which they first perceive them); while the toxic person does not recognize them, denies them, and chooses to blame others for their problems. Such an attitude does nothing more than steal the energy of others.

B.R. Stamateas: Another of your books, the also best-selling "Toxic Emotions", has given much to talk about. What are these self-destructive emotions and how can we try not to let them affect us?

Stamateas: Emotions are part of our life and they always transmit a message. No emotion is bad in itself, because they all "teach" us something. Sadness makes us walk slowly, talk slowly and increase the process of reflection and introspection because there is a loss that needs to be elaborated. Anger and frustration are emotions that generate inner strength because we see that there is a stone in the road and we need to be strong to run it. Guilt makes us feel bad for having transgressed a norm and provokes a process of reflection to produce a reparation. If I insulted someone, I will now go and apologize.

Emotions become toxic when we give them free rein. For example, the person who says: "I express all my anger, that's why I will never get angry". And that is precisely a toxic attitude, to give it free rein. Or the one who represses his emotionality and says: "I never get angry". When we learn to express our emotions, to put them into words so that they have a meaning that helps us to grow, then we are managing them intelligently. That is called "emotional intelligence".

B.R. : You are a multifaceted psychologist, a figure that is perhaps being lost to give way to ultra-specialized professionals in a particular field. This allows you to lecture and write on a variety of subjects. What are the topics you are most passionate about talking about?

Stamateas: The topics I talk or write about most are those about which I am contacted in search of solutions. I receive hundreds of e-mails a day with requests for help and the number one problem is couple conflicts, among which are: firstly infidelity, secondly abuse and thirdly endless fights. Outside of these couple issues, the most frequently consulted topics are unresolved grief, loss and self-esteem problems.

Every book I have written has been written after listening to people's daily problems, their successes and their mistakes. This allows me to understand what their main needs are and to try, from my place, to help them to be happier and discover the purpose of their lives. My goal as a writer is to collaborate so that every human being becomes the best version of himself, achieving a healthy esteem and the fulfillment of all his dreams.

B.R. : Self-help is a rather underrated genre, and sometimes rightly so. But your books have managed to capture the attention of a wide audience, eager to know a little better the human mind, why we are the way we are. What do you think it is about your books that have achieved these superlative sales figures?

Stamateas: My intention in writing is that the books should be simple material, easy to understand, so that everyone who reads them knows what they are talking about. I am not trying to impress anyone. As I recently commented in a newspaper report, a magician once told me that when they want to hide something they leave it in public view. The reason? Because "the obvious becomes invisible". That phrase struck me. I am not trying to discover or invent anything, nor to write academic texts. I only seek to provide ideas that for various reasons may have become invisible to people and to invite my readers to think.

B.R. B.R. : Don't you think that, in the self-help genre, a certain "felicism" is abused? The cliché of "love yourself more, pursue your dreams"? Your books are something else.

Stamateas: Within the self-help genre we have everything, from the simplest books that say: "Love yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself"; to the most elaborate ones that offer intelligent solutions. No book changes anyone's life because a book is not a magic wand. It is just a trigger for reflection. Instead of self-help, I prefer to call them "personal growth books" although, if we stop to think a little, ultimately every book is a self-help book. A poetry book and a history book help us to think, to reflect, to grow.

The process of growth always depends on oneself. It is true that within the genre, as in any other, there are different developments and levels of depth. It is up to each reader to decide which one will serve him according to the evolutionary stage he is in.

B.R. B.R.: Do you feel the pressure of maintaining this sales rhythm with each new book you write, or is it a subject that doesn't worry you too much?

Stamateas: I distinguish success from fame. Success is doing what you like. Fame is the social look. When you stand on success, you enjoy fame or the recognition of others. The problem arises when one goes after fame. I have always focused on doing what I like and, of course, I enjoy having traveled to different countries, having met many people and feeling that I am doing my bit to help improve and unleash the potential that we all have.

B.R. Stamateas: Let's look to the future: what projects are you working on, perhaps some editorial work in the coming months?

Stamateas: Right now all the books that I have written are coming out in the newspaper La Nación here in Argentina. I am also working on new projects where I am compiling the five hundred most frequent conflicts and practical ideas and tools to solve them. I continue to travel and lecture all over the world.

• Image credits: Bernardo Stamateas, losandes.com.ar