Interview with Javier Ares: the impact of COVID-19 on couple life

Psychologist Javier Ares talks to us about the effects of the pandemic on relationships.

Beyond the idealized concept of love that many people use to interpret relationships, there is reality: love only exists insofar as it is linked to a context, and that context is an imperfect world..

The clearest example of this has been seen over the last few months, with the global coronavirus pandemic. This change in our environment has had an effect (for better or worse) on many relationships, which have had to adapt to the circumstances.

To better understand this fit between the love of life as a couple and the complicated reality of a society on alert for COVID-19, we spoke with psychologist Javier Ares.

Interview with Javier Ares: the effect of the coronavirus pandemic on couples' relationships

Javier Ares Arranz is a General Health Psychologist specialized in the intervention in emotional and relational problems (in couples or in the family context). In this interview he talks to us about the implications that the wave of coronavirus infections has had on marriages and dating relationships.

What types of couples and families do you think are most likely to develop new problems as long as there is no vaccine for the coronavirus?

First of all, we should keep in mind that there are no couples who are immune to this virus, obviously. Unfortunately, they are all going to be affected, and this can be a link or a way of creating differences.

I think a good learning from the problem is that it helps us to form a team that makes us stronger in the face of it. Yes, we must pay attention to couples that were already weakened before, and allow me to make this comparison, but the hull of a ship can withstand for a while with small cracks without repair, but very little when a storm comes. Hence it is important to have the hull of the ship in good condition so that in the face of small adversities we do not sink.

This can be extrapolated to a couple, in the sense that we should always solve conflicts as they arise, treat everything with good communication and not fall into big battles of egos where the only ones who lose out are us.

We should not only go to couples therapy when there is a problem, but also when we want to invest in our health and our future, acquire new skills and be more effective. Unity is strength, and in the face of unexpected adversity even more so, and it is here where the personal work of each one of us is most reflected.

Social distancing measures lead people to socialize less in the street. Can this make the couple in a context too oppressive or boring, in many cases?

Couples have in their hands the path they want to take, I respect that some decide to take this longer time of cohabitation as a punishment from which only negative things can be drawn, but I admire those who see a new challenge in this event.

A couple in good health need not fear this, as it will test the strength of the relationship.

The important thing is that you both retain your spaces and autonomy. Just because you spend more time together does not mean that you have to do everything together all the time, it tires everyone out.

We must know that if we do not maintain our personal activities, we will lose part of our personality, and that will make us feel anxious, so I propose to do activities together, of course, but I also propose to maintain our own activities, such as various hobbies, exercises, in short: to maintain our inner garden.

The fact in itself of spending more time at home can cause anxiety and other problems at a psychological level that, if the person lacks personal tools, can possibly make dealing with their loved ones worse.

That is why we should not abandon ourselves and dedicate a few minutes a day to take care of our peace of mind. How? For example, if we have anxiety, just talking it over with our partner and spitting it all out will make us calm down, and at the same time bring us closer together. These are small steps that may be difficult at first, but I encourage couples to encourage this and increase bonds.

Living together in these circumstances has to be taken as a challenge in which both people in the relationship are involved, and thanks to this will create a team feeling that in many ways will improve.

Another problem of being more time at home is that it makes us turn our heads more, and put what I call "the washing machine". We put a thought in it and go round and round. This only generates questions and punish us with the problem by not being able to get it out of our minds. Therefore, as I said above, bonding has to be supported by fluid communication.

The COVID-19 health crisis seems to have given way to another crisis of an economic nature. Is the difficulty in finding a job one of the most frequent sources of psychological discomfort in couple relationships?

It is more than demonstrated that a bad management of the external stimuli that come to us make us more irascible with the environment and at the minimum we explode with those who love us the most and are closest to us, in this case, our partner.

The uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen in the future due to the fact that many partners are in an ERTE or worse, have lost their jobs, logically affects people. What can we do, make use of the support of our partner as an ally in this process and rely on him through dialogue to overcome and decongest those feelings.

It is logical to feel emotions such as rage, anger or anxiety, but it is not acceptable to settle in them and use them as a way of life. Creating a way to deal with problems will maintain respect and increase empathy, something very important in this situation.

Faced with unemployment we must create a plan to find a job, start moving and make it a routine, set a daily schedule to send CVs (carrying them by hand is not a good idea right now), talk to friends and tell them that we are looking for a job so that they can count on us and finally: do not give up trying, in the end perseverance is everything.

Also be aware that being more time at home can make it easier for us to expand our knowledge and, for example, take free courses that are on the Internet with official diploma. Just google your own courses and you will see a great offer, which I repeat, is free.

Finally, let's not forget leisure, please. There are a thousand ways to disconnect without spending large sums of money, or even for free, such as open days at museums, playing sports, free street concerts or even offered by social centers. On the Internet there are websites specializing in activities of this type, and from experience I can tell you that they have fixed the afternoons of many weekends.

The reading to be made of this is that, if you are in this situation, find in the crisis an opportunity to improve.

In the case of couples with children, what new challenges does the presence of COVID-19 imply in their lives?

These couples should know that they have a great responsibility, since they will be responsible for the implementation in their children of the new habits of cleanliness and education related to what is happening to us these days.

On the other hand, there are new ways, as many parents will probably start working from home, and therefore they will spend more time with their children and will have to act as teachers and caregivers as well; and I think it would be advisable to remember that this should always be done based on three main pillars: understanding, discipline and affection.

In order to carry this out, it is necessary to control feelings, carefully analyzing how to act in situations of physical and mental exhaustion, which will appear during this period. Here you will have the challenge of being able to spend more time with them and knowing how to invest it.

I think it would be logical to look for an intermediate point in the families, where they can carry out activities together to create new bonds of union. These activities do not have to be within the domestic environment, they can perfectly be outside, and in them we can promote aspects of education such as the habit of playing a sport several times a week or reading.

Another important challenge will be to be able to talk to them about the problem we are experiencing. To do so, we will sit down to talk about it following different aspects.

First of all, we will be open to their questions: so that they are not left with doubts, and so that they see that there are points that they have to understand.

In addition, we must answer all questions: even those we do not know, telling them that we do not know the answer. It is important to avoid lying or belittling questions.

It is also key to use the activity in such a way that our child acquires expression skills: we will let him/her express him/herself and feel comfortable.

Finally, we should explain the measures available to us and how to access them. Containment measures need to be clear and therefore everyone involved needs to know why we use them, how to use them and when to apply them.

How do you as a psychologist adapt to possible partner problems that may arise with the spread of the coronavirus?

The first thing is to know what we are facing. A major economic, health and social crisis. Mental health professionals must adapt to the new pictures that our patients may present, and the best way to adapt is continuous training so as not to be outdated and to remain competent and as professional as possible.

Psychology has to be as effective and efficient as possible in order not to fall into bad habits such as talk therapy and having patients in consultation for years teaching them the theory of what is wrong with them and not giving them tools with which to face their problems, and that is a mistake.

We have before us an opportunity to demonstrate that our profession is a science that helps people and saves lives, to make it clear that we are necessary health professionals, and to bury the stigmas that remain about going to the psychologist.

It is also important to adapt with technology and try to reach as many areas as possible, making it as comfortable as possible for the patient. I love it when people are surprised at how efficient a video call is, they have literally told me that they find no difference between it and a face-to-face consultation, and even the patient himself comes out reinforced, since he is at home in a more comfortable environment and will therefore be more open.

What is the main advice you give to couples in the context of the coronavirus crisis, even if they do not consider going to therapy?

First of all, you have to promote shared independence: keep your own space. Your partner has the right to watch series, you have the right to play computer or console games, let's not lose our own habits.

In addition, you have to promote dialogue. At the slightest discomfort, sit down and talk, let's avoid creating snowballs. When we have a problem, let's sit down to talk and solve the problems, many times the main reason for a conflict is the lack of communication.

On the other hand, we must try to have productive time. That is to say, it is necessary to use the time in the most profitable way possible. If you cannot go on vacation, I understand that it is negative, but since you are in this situation, try to use it to create new habits as a couple during the time you will be together.

Finally, it is very important to have the possibility of improvement. Take it as a challenge, this will not last forever, it will be temporary, and if we take it as a punishment it will not only affect us more but we will live it as a penance.