Interview with María Huertas: the link between self-esteem and life with a partner

Psychologist María Huertas talks about the relationship between self-esteem and relationships.

In couple relationships there is a double game. On the one hand, the well-being produced by living together and the loving bond has to do with the interaction between the two people, and on the other hand, it cannot be denied that many of the things that affect the relationship have to do with the characteristics of each person separately.

Thus, the individual and the common overlap, and sometimes this makes the problems that appear in that courtship or marriage difficult to define and delimit.

An example of this is the way in which self-esteem and life as a couple interact with each other, and affect each other.affecting each other. Bad dynamics of coexistence and communication can give way to low self-esteem, and vice versa.

Fortunately, although this is complicated, psychology has been researching this type of interaction for decades. That is why there are professionals such as the psychologist María Huertas Viecoable to explain how this union between our way of valuing ourselves and what happens in love relationships occurs. On this occasion we interviewed Maria and asked her about this topic.

Interview with María Huertas (Psinergia): self-esteem and well-being in couples

María Huertas Vieco is a health psychologist and part of the management team of Psinergia, a therapy center located in Madrid. She works helping patients of all ages, families and couples who feel the need to improve their relationship. In this interview, Maria talks about the relationship between self-esteem and the well-being of life as a couple, and how the two factors affect each other.

To what extent can self-esteem problems damage a relationship?

Extremely. Self-esteem is the result of the connection we have with ourselves, the capacity we have to detect our own needs and take care of them, and the value we give to our competencies and abilities.

If the connection with oneself is damaged, the connection with others becomes difficult. Low self-esteem can lead to problems in relationships, such as jealousy, insecurities, fear of abandonment, possessiveness, etc.

From your perspective as a psychology professional, among those who come to psychotherapy for help with these problems, what is the most common patient profile?

A very common profile in consultation are middle-aged women who repeat unsatisfactory relationship patterns, in which they do not see their affective needs covered and that, sometimes, keep them in toxic relationships based on emotional dependence.

In these cases, their self-esteem and attachment style cause them to bond based on need and not so much on desire, maintaining relationships that are not good for them.

Can someone who does not love himself/herself enjoy a normal sexual and affective life with someone he/she loves?

In general terms, not loving oneself makes it difficult to a certain extent to relate to other people, but satisfaction in a couple will also be influenced by the self-esteem of the other, the attachment styles of both, our communication styles, our past experiences, our future aspirations...

However, this does not mean that a person with low self-esteem cannot enjoy a satisfactory sexual and emotional life. It is a very important aspect but not enough to generate dissatisfaction in all cases.

And, as long as self-esteem problems persist, is it common during the first months of a love relationship to lie or hide many things about oneself?

We all, to a greater or lesser extent, tend to hide certain aspects of ourselves that we are ashamed of or that we are not proud of, and only when the relationship takes hold and there is a secure bond with the other person, do we feel able to share them.

People with damaged self-esteem, depending on the degree to which it is affected, may tend to hide more information or lie in some cases.

This will become a problem if they go on for a long time, as not sharing certain aspects of oneself will make it impossible to build intimacy and future commitment in the relationship and, therefore, lack security in the relationship.

How do you help someone whose low self-esteem is damaging their marriage or courtship? Is individual therapy usually combined with couples therapy?

To help a person with low self-esteem, it is necessary to review their personal history and detect what factors may have influenced their low self-concept.

It is usually related to past experiences, learning and relationships, so we must work to overcome the past and build a new self-concept more in line with the present reality.

On numerous occasions we advise people who request couples therapy that they should first undergo a personal therapy process. Without working on the personal side, it is practically impossible for the relationship to be satisfactory, no matter how much work is done on the couple's bond.

What are the problems or complex aspects of a therapeutic process of this type?

The greatest difficulties that we usually find when carrying out a therapeutic process of this type are the patient's own resistance to investigate the past history. In many cases these are people with a past history of trauma and it causes a lot of Pain to recall some of those experiences.

There are patients who, for this very reason, come looking for quick strategies and tools to improve self-esteem and, although we can provide them, these are temporary patches and superficial changes.

Self-esteem and self-concept will only change at a deep level when a therapeutic process of introspection is carried out, and that takes time and a great deal of courage.

And once several sessions have passed, in what ways do you begin to notice the results, the progress of improvement?

As I have already said, it can be worked in two ways: at a deep level or at a superficial level. When working at a superficial level, changes and results are noticed quickly, but they tend to be short-lived. On the contrary, when working at a deep level the changes take much longer to arrive, but they may last a lifetime.