Keys to establish rules and limits in a democratic and effective way.

Tips on how to set limits appropriately in parenting.

In families there are different ways to establish rules and limits, depending on the parenting style of the parents. that the parents exercise.

This style of upbringing constitutes an essential element in the development of the minor, since it influences in its construction like person and in its way to be located in the world.

Establishing rules through an appropriate and consistent parenting style.

How are rules and limits set in each parenting style, and what are the consequences for children?

In the authoritarian style, parents adopt a role of excessive control over their children, giving them little autonomy.giving them little autonomy. They tend to impose rules in a unidirectional and inflexible manner, without considering the specific needs of the children. In case of non-compliance, they frequently resort to punishment.

They often feel unheard and unimportant, with a perception of low internal control. They show little critical capacity and difficulty to negotiate or resolve conflicts in an assertive manner. On the contrary, they tend to be imposing and submissive.

In both the permissive/overprotective style and the negligent style, parents set few limits and rules, and set them inconsistently.and set them inconsistently. In fact, they are often set by the children themselves. The main difference between the two styles is that while in the former there is a high level of expressed affection, in the latter there is a lack of care, affection and protection for the child, delegating parenting to third parties.

What are the consequences for your children? In both scenarios we are dealing with insecure people, since they do not have a boundary structure that provides them with stability.. Also, having been exposed to few "no's", they have a low tolerance to frustration. However, in the first case, children tend to be egocentric, expecting the world to give them the same prominence as their parents, while in the second case they perceive themselves as not very valuable.

Finally, in the democratic style, parents are a figure of affection and healthy authority. They set rules and limits in a respectful manner, and resort to negotiation when they deem it appropriate. They are communication-driven and empower their children.

What are the consequences for their children? Children feel listened to, involved and, consequently, important. They present healthy levels of self-esteem, tolerate frustration adequately and are able to negotiate and express themselves in an assertive and respectful manner with others, because they have been able to learn from optimal models.

As can be intuited, the democratic style is the most advisable of the four stylesAs can be intuited, the democratic style is the most recommendable of the four, since it provides the child with a series of resources and tools that allow him/her to adequately face the conflictive situations that occur in his/her day to day life.

How can we approach a democratic parenting model?

In families it is convenient that there are (a) issues that parents decide, (b) issues that are negotiated between parents and children and (c) issues that children decide autonomously. All these issues must be adjusted according to the age of the children, giving them control and, consequently, giving them greater autonomy, confidence and decision-making capacity.

1. Select the necessary "no's".

It is advisable to limit the use of "no" to limit the use of "no's" to central or essential aspectsand that we know we can comply with. Often we end up giving in when we are unable to comply with all our refusals and, in this way, we reduce the credibility of our "no's".

2. Offer options

As much as possible, replace "no" with alternatives and negotiation, shifting control to the child.. Instead of "You can't play" try "Of course you can play, as soon as you've finished picking up your room".

3. Allow topics to be freely decided by the child.

Of course, must not compromise their safety and security.The child's physical appearance, the games he or she engages in, or his or her extracurricular activities.

4. Be clear, precise and respectful when establishing rules and limits, explaining them to them.

We can substitute a "Behave yourself", for "Honey, please wait for me sitting down and talking quietly, there are quiet people in the waiting room and we don't want to disturb them".

5. Be consistent

Being flexible and respectful of their needs does not imply that we constantly redefine the rules, nor that they always "get their way.". Children need a clear structure that allows them to anticipate what is allowed and what is not, what are the conditions they must meet to have access to a certain pleasurable activity or what are the consequences of breaking the rules. Consistency gives them security and control.

6. Reinforce

It is essential that, when the child respects a rule or limit, we value or thank them for their behavior.

7. To conclude...

Finally, remember that educational styles speak of trends and are dynamic.. That is, we can work day by day to get closer to the parenting style we want to exercise based on our personal and family values.

Author: Cristina Aristimuño de las Heras, General Health Psychologist.