Lidia Santoyo: What is the philosophy behind couples therapy?

We interviewed Lidia Santoyo, an expert in couples therapy, to learn more about her work.

In psychology, we not only intervene to help individuals; we also intervene to improve the health of personal relationships. However, this is not easy, because relationships are very changeable and dynamic.

In this sense, from the point of view of psychology professionals, one of the most complex things in understanding how couples therapy works is to understand what are the elements of the relationship that are damaged and need to be strengthened, and the goals to strive for. In other words, what is difficult is to understand the philosophy of couples therapy.

To learn more about this philosophy, we have interviewed Lidia Santoyo, a psychologist based in Santander expert in couple therapy and who has a long experience helping all kinds of patients.

Interview with Lidia Santoyo: the philosophy on which couple's therapy is based.

Lidia Santoyo Revilla has been treating individual patients and couples for more than 15 years of professional career. Here she talks to us about her understanding of couple therapy as a space for the expression of emotions and the search for commonality.

Is it difficult to know in which cases the problem is in an individual person and in which cases it is in the relationship between two or more people?

In my opinion we should stop talking about problems. When a couple finds itself in a situation of misunderstanding, conflict or at risk, we do not speak of the "problem" or the "blame" placed on one of the two partners. Whatever the situation is, both people have the capacity to change and it depends on both of them whether the situation improves or heals.

Elements internal and external to the couple are constantly working as facilitators or as stressors and potential risks. Only from the effort and adherence to generate the improvement of both members of the couple and the recognition of all these situations by which they can be affected, internally and externally, change can be achieved.

The responsibility of interpersonal relationships is always a shared issue. Relationships between people are balanced by subtle forces that give each couple their particular entity.

How do you create a neutral environment in which both patients can express themselves without fear of being attacked?

Couples therapy can only take place in a situation of equality of the partners. If we look at this particular point of the therapy, it would be very close to a mediation situation. Both partners should feel free to expose and to direct the conversation to any point of coexistence or those issues that affect them.

In itself, the therapeutic environment is already an agent of change and improvement. Lack of communication or communication without adequate quality, are basic generators, maintainers and chronifiers of the conflict situation.

The therapeutic space is a non-judgmental, dialoguing space in which they can express themselves without feeling attacked, listening is respected at all times, the assertive attitude and this becomes a responsibility shared by therapist and patients that fills with freedom well understood, generating a climate of encounter and free expression that in itself adds positively from the moment zero to the couple.

Throughout your professional career, what are the couple difficulties you have encountered the most?

As I have already pointed out in my previous comments, the vision of the situation from the point of view of guilt or the omission of responsibility or its excess, by one of the parties and the lack or poor management of communication are the basic generators of the conflict situation in the couple.

Taking many things for granted or because "that's the way it is". The couple is a space for growth that is often neglected and wrapped in patterns of automatic and repeated behaviors that although they do not satisfy us, we are unable to change.

The so-called "monotony" is nothing more or less than just that, repeating and repeating, making us comfortable in the automation of behaviors, losing the perspective of change both of the individual himself, as well as the other or the set of both.

Stifling comments, desires, ideas or alternatives because of... laziness, "not having a problem", not wanting to risk change. The couple as a common entity, also enters comfort zones that can put it at risk.

And in which cases is it known almost from the beginning that it does not make sense to perform couple therapy?

When both or one of the members is stuck in situations from which he/she is reluctant to leave for fear of exceeding that "comfort zone" of which we have spoken before, either personal or couple. When it is precisely when we blame the other person, when we expect the changes to come from the other person, the problems reside in the other person, when we blame ourselves exclusively, why not, too.

When the lack of respect has reached important points or the couple's own principles have been betrayed and this is not contemplated by one of the two. These situations are complex, but not always, they will only become incapacitating to face a couple therapy if both or one of the members of the couple, becomes entrenched in them and does not manage to get out of their loop.

Of course, something that invalidates couple therapy as such, not therapeutic intervention, is violence. While it is true that initiating couple's therapy when there is physical violence exercised by one of the partners is uncommon, initiating it when the violence is psychological or is exercised by both partners is not such an uncommon situation. Psychological intervention in these cases, not from couple therapy, but it is beneficial to generate a change that ends the risk situation.

In cases in which a marriage or engagement ends, having gone to couple therapy, is this considered a failure?

When we start couples therapy, we always do it with expectations of "healing" the situation, seen from this angle, the breakup can be a way to heal the situation, permanently or temporarily.

Success is not always in the maintenance, it may be in the peaceful rupture, generated from respect and not traumatic, both for the couple and for the affected family members, although here we would be extrapolating to family therapy.

It may happen that one of the members, or even both of them, are pulling an already very chronic situation in which an improvement and a disengagement can only be proposed from the separation. As I have explained in the previous questions, tackling the situation as soon as possible and being able to be flexible and generate new scenarios based on respect, is the key so that the breakup is not the only possible situation.

What challenges lie ahead for psychologists dedicated to couple therapy?

One of them is the one reflected in the previous question, not to see therapy as a danger, as an attack on our preponderance or as a danger of rupture. To make people aware that this is one more tool, developed to be used when necessary, so we will not wait so long to ask for help.

As in any complicated situation, help should be administered as soon as possible, this will be an indicator of the possibilities of reaching the proposed goal of improvement in couple therapy.