Life after a marriage breakup

The end of a marriage can lead to intense sadness and uncertainty.

For some people, ending a marriage is a relief, a source of happiness. But in many cases, this experience is painful; and not only painful, but it also goes hand in hand with a lack of reference as to what to do next.

The latter is what happens when the breakup or divorce is experienced as a bereavement: in the same way that one suffers when losing a family member or friend, the end of one's marriage gives rise to a sense of loss capable of producing strong anguish, as well as the challenge of adapting to the loss of the project and the way of life associated with that union with another person. Recovering from this is painful, but by no means impossible.

5 keys to take into account to rebuild your life after a divorce

Each case is unique and there are no infallible recipes that will work in all cases; that is what psychotherapy is for, to provide personalized treatment tailored to the needs of each person. However, the key ideas that you will find below may be useful to start putting together the structure of what will be a life after the divorce or breakup.

1. Don't try to eliminate those memories, but don't spend all day feeding them.

In order to come to terms with life after divorce, you have to find a balance between not avoiding memories of your married life, on the one hand, and being oriented to the incentives of the present and the future, on the other.

If you try to block the memories and thoughts linked to your marriage, not only will you not succeed, but you will give them more strength. and importance, by being alert in case they appear in your consciousness. And if you dedicate yourself to recreate over and over again what happened in your married life, it will take you a long time to overcome your grief.

2. Don't obsess about what could have been.

This kind of thinking only serves to act as a magnet for intrusive thoughts associated with guilt. associated with guilt. Once we have begun to feed these fantasies, it is very easy for one to call the next, with the consequent emotional wear and tear. In addition to generating suffering, it predisposes us to be constantly remembering everything related to the marriage, which goes against the previous recommendation.

3. The commitment is over: act accordingly

It is important to maintain independence and defend one's own dignity as an individual in all contexts, including marriage. However, when we are part of a couple relationship, there are a series of commitments that we cannot ignore and that make it a responsibility to take into account the interests of the other person.

With a breakup, empathy is still important, but most of these commitments disappear.This is the other side of the coin. Therefore, it is important that you do not keep the bad thing of living locked in the nostalgia of that union that ended and the bad thing of believing that you should behave as the husband or wife of that person without being so (and without living together or having that close relationship of before). This will only cause frustration and will lead you to accumulate resentment, seeing that you get nothing in return for those sacrifices.

4. If you have small children together, do not forget that their welfare is a priority.

Even in times as painful as the crisis of divorce, you have to look after the welfare of the young children. But the good thing about it is that in practice, this role as a parent helps to give direction to one's life during those confusing weeks..

Raising and educating the little ones, as well as the experience of giving and receiving love and affection, are a source of incentives and enriching experiences that remind us that life is made up of many more things than that marriage we have left behind.

5. Respect your ex's space

Feeding grudges not only hurts the other person through your hostility; it also hurts you in the form of discomfort, obsessive thoughts, fear of showing one's vulnerabilities, etc. Even if that person caused you harm or was unfair to you, it is better to focus on other things than to actively engage in "fighting" against them.

Do you need professional psychological support?

If you are thinking of starting a psychotherapy process to overcome an emotional crisis due to divorce or any other experience related to loss, I invite you to contact me. I am a psychologist with a practice in Seville and I offer face-to-face and online sessions by video call.