Love and its influence on couple relationships.

A reflection on the way in which love is expressed in couple relationships.

Love is a very broad concept that encompasses many different types of love. But in reality... what is love? Is there an exact definition that could define it?

It has been described as an emotion, an instinct or a construct. The truth is that it is a rather subjective and complex reality. What for some is love, for others is selfishness or submission, for some it is happiness and for others suffering.. And it is that possibly love has part of all this.

What do we understand by love?

The French writer Stendhal defined it as a flower that grows before the abyss, thus showing that talking about love is not an easy task.

However, it is an element of great importance in the development of people and with great influence on psychological well-being.. For some people there is no pain comparable to that which can be produced by love issues.

It also becomes one of life's major motivations, something to be pursued.something always to be pursued. For love or in the name of love we know that the most heroic and noble deeds, the greatest follies and also the most brutal atrocities can be produced.

In the light of the different types of love we are going to focus here on love within the couple and its influence on the relationship.

Perspectives on love

To begin with, let us say that love can be understood from different perspectives, whether from philosophy, science and biology, from poetry and art, from different psychological currents, from evolutionary perspectives, etc.

For example, from philosophy, great thinkers such as Plato and Aristotle show their discrepancy towards what love is for them.. Aristotle would say that it is the most important feeling of the human being and that the mere fact of feeling it produces a pleasure not comparable to any other; love for him would be like a single soul living in two bodies.

Plato, for his part, would say that in love there is a desire to possess what one does not have, and then when one has it, to discard it and desire it again.

Spinoza, on the other hand, would be in the middle of both positions, and he would say that love is something that produces joy that comes from an external stimulus that makes one want more of the other than of oneself..

For Smith, philosopher and economist, love is the response, rather mysterious, to something that attracts us from the mind and body of another person. And we could still continue to see positions that show us the complexity of its definition.

In art and literature love will become muse and inspiration, and from there an idealized love will be born, sometimes full of romanticism.It becomes a giving everything for the loved one, sometimes being represented as dramatic and passionate.

From a Biological perspective, it would be a means for the survival of the species influenced and mediated by chemical substances and brain mechanisms. Since the 1990's, psychiatrists, anthropologists and biologists have found significant correlations between hormone levels important correlations between the levels of hormones such as serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin and love states such as sexual attraction such as sexual attraction, infatuation and stable love.

Studies show that when we fall in love, serotonin levels plummet and the reward centers of the brain are flooded with dopamine, producing a drug-like effect.

On the other hand, the psychologist Robert Sternberg published in 1986 the Triangular Theory of Love, whose influence in psychology has become quite remarkable. According to him, couple relationships are constituted from three fundamental elements, Intimacy, Passion and Commitment, which would occupy the vertices of a supposed triangle that would show the different forms of love that can arise in a couple, depending on how these components are related.

From cultural psychology, culture and history determine the mental states and psychological processes of people, and therefore also love. For Erich Fromm, love is an art, a voluntary action that can be learned, not a passion that is imposed against the will of the one who lives it. against the will of the one who lives it. According to him, love would be a decision, a choice and an attitude.

Love and the couple

As we can see, it is not easy to talk about love and especially to define the term. Love is something that is influenced by multiple factors that interrelate with each other and it is not something static and permanent, but rather can vary over time, and specifically within a stable relationship, affecting those established ways of life in which two people are committed to each other.It can also affect those established ways of life in which two people are committed to share their existence in all senses.

We would also have to take into account the role played by eroticism and sexuality, a subject that we will not deal with at this time, focusing more on love as a bond seen from couple therapy, and how this subjective way of loving that each one has, together with that of the other will generate a certain type of relationship, with its particular conflicts and satisfactions.

The subject is quite broad, so I am going to stick to those processes that I have observed more from the clinic, and that have to do with self-esteem and unconscious movements.

Love for each other and our own self-esteem.

In order to be able to love we must first love ourselves.In order to love, it is necessary to have walked the path of narcissism, a necessary step in the development of the personality to be able to reach self-esteem.

The first relationship we have with love comes from the mother, father or figure who takes care of us, and it will be that way in which we have perceived that love and fundamental valuation in our way of loving. Later on it will influence the achievement of accomplishments, which may be social or academic. This usually occurs in the period of adolescence, when the relationship with peers is fundamental; this stage will influence our whole life and our relationships. And finally we have the valuation and appreciation of others as something fundamental for a healthy self-esteem.

It is not so much how all this happens, but how it is perceived by the person, which will give rise to a certain way of loving ourselves, which in turn will influence how we love ourselves. This perception could be of not valuing or not having been loved, so that unconditional love will be sought. unconditional love will be sought in the other to heal that wound..

Sometimes, in a love that is never enough, we also observe an insistent need to be valued and recognized by the other, we look for the partner to give us what we ourselves do not have.

Unconscious processes

I call thus to those mechanisms that I have observed in therapy and whose base is unconscious, being necessary a work directed to be able to unravel those mechanisms that are acting..

Projection

Consists of attributing to another person things about oneself. When this mechanism is present in the way of loving in a couple, it happens that one attributes to the other those things about oneself that one detests, promoting feelings of rejection, attacks and continuous blaming, feeling that something about the other is deeply annoying, sometimes unjustifiably.The feeling that something about the other person bothers deeply, sometimes unjustifiably, without knowing exactly what it is.

Love bond established asymmetrically

In couples, as in any relationship constituted by a bond of love, supporting and caring is of the utmost importance, support and care is of the utmost importanceSometimes it happens that one is placed in the position of caring, giving and supporting more than the other.

Not knowing how to differentiate between what belongs to one and what belongs to the other.

This also has to do with the establishment of the bond, producing in this case a symbiosis between the members of the couple.

The interpretation of love

And finally, another of the issues that I have observed the most in couples therapy is something that has to do with the interpretation of love that each partner has. has to do with the interpretation of love that each of the members of the couple has, their perceptions and expectations placed on the relationship, which also have to do with attachment, with the need for love of the couple.The perceptions and expectations placed on the relationship, which also have to do with attachment, with that need for love of the human being that begins in the first years of life and that will continue throughout life.

These can be:

• Of security in the other.
• Of doubt or ambivalence, with fear of losing the other.
• Of distrust, promoting estrangement in the couple.

How would couple therapy help?

In the first place it would be necessary to unraveling those unconscious processes that are acting in the couple's discomfort in order to make them to make them conscious and to be able to do something with them.

It is important for the couple to understand what each one has to do with what they complain about the other.

Knowing how to differentiate what belongs to one and what belongs to the other is an important step to pursue, in addition to recognizing the mutual dependencies that may exist.

Helping to identify what each one wants and desires from the other is sometimes as simple as talking about it and asking for it. if we ourselves are confused, the way of transmitting it to the other person will be ambiguous and unclear, generating misunderstandings in the other person.generating in the other person misunderstandings and defensive behaviors of distancing and coldness.

Summarizing

There is no doubt that couple love is totally different from the other types of love and that it is something difficult to define. and that it is something difficult to define, it is not simple eroticism, nor only desire to be with the other person, nor simple concern for the partner.

It is also important to differentiate the states of infatuation with love. The first state, although it is the bearer of very pleasant emotions, is something that tends to fade with time and with the contact with the reality of everyday life, something that endures badly the coexistence, since this infatuation is based on the idealization of the other, in highlighting their qualities and avoiding or not seeing the defects, hence that love is blind, the presence of the other becomes a necessity to be happy, feeling in disgrace if it is not there.

It is a way of loving more based on oneself than on the other, on our own pleasure, satisfaction, sensation of fullness, since all this is given to us by this state.

Love, unlike infatuation, occurs when the interest is placed in the welfare of the other person.I do not mean to say that love dissolves the differences or conflicts that can occur in a relationship, but it does provide a firm basis for dealing with them.

Do you need help?

If you need help in issues related to feelings or relationships do not hesitate to ask for it, let's not forget that the way we relate to ourselves and to others is not the same as the way we relate to others. with ourselves as well as with others will be fundamental for our psychological well-being.. It is important to know yourself, to know what you think and how you relate to your own feelings even if it is incoherent.

I can help you both in individual and couple therapy, and I can attend you either in person or online.