Maria de Jesús Gutierrez: "Children experience separation as a mourning".

Psychologist Maria de Jesús Gutierrez Tellez talks to us about parental alienation and its effects.

Parental alienation is one of the psychosocial phenomena that can most harm children. Although it has a special relevance in the judicial field, it also belongs to the world of mental health, having as victims children and adolescents who are affected by an existing conflict between their parents.

To know better the reality of parental alienation in this case we have interviewed the psychologist Maria de Jesús Gutierrez Tellez..

Interview with Maria de Jesús Gutierrez Tellez: parental alienation and its effects on minors.

Maria de Jesús Gutierrez is a psychologist with more than a decade of experience in the field of psychotherapeutic care for adults, children and adolescents; she currently has her practice in Mexico City, where in this case she talks to us about the phenomenon known as parental alienation.

Is the breakup of fathers and mothers a frequent cause of depression in children?

Children suffer a lot when their parents start the separation process; even before this happens, they suffer when they see their parents arguing or insulting each other and this generates a lot of stress and uncertainty and of course a great sadness.

It affects them emotionally because their world collapses; they experience the separation as a mourning, a loss. For some children this generates a regression to stages of their development that have already passed, suffering problems such as bedwetting, some children experience it as if they had done something wrong or had not fulfilled their responsibilities, and sometimes they experience it as abandonment.

In addition, each child and adolescent experiences it differently depending on their age or stage of development. The way of living and facing it will also depend on the capacity of each child to face the adversities that arise in life.

This constant struggle or succession of arguments and fights generates a lot of stress and as a consequence can trigger depression. The most stressful situation for children and adolescents is when parents do not decide to end their relationship and there is a stressful atmosphere in their homes. Even when the parents manage to end their relationship, some children experience it with some relief, because the tension is reduced.

Another important factor in the separation of parents is that children and adolescents are affected not only by the separation of their parents but also by the changes that this generates in their lives, because sometimes they will have to change many things: change of house, change of friends, change of social status. And all these changes are losses and therefore, there is depression. They live it with rebellion, frustration that can generate some behavioral difficulties and also in their studies.

What elements must be present to be able to speak of parental alienation?

There are several factors to be able to speak of what has been called parental alienation.

There is insulting or belittling the alienated parent to the children, as well as prohibiting the child's right to see and live with the non-custodial parent.

Also, underestimating and ridiculing the child's feelings about the parent in order to sabotage the child's relationship with the alienated parent.

Another element is rewarding the child for displaying rejecting behaviors, saying derogatory phrases about the alienated parent in order to reward the alienating parent for gifts or rewards provided by the alienating parent, or pressure to take sides in a parental conflict...the alienating parent uses strategies to sabotage and involve the child or adolescent.

Another aspect is the fact of speaking ill of the alienated parent with the aim of making the child feel ashamed of him/her, and therefore not wanting to see him/her or live with him/her, generating a pathological hatred of the child to his/her alienated parent, which destroys, damages the relationship and coexistence with one of his/her parents.

In situations of broken marriages with children, what do you think are the aspects of parental alienation that are most damaging to the mental health of children?

When the child develops a pathological hatred or unjustified hatred (brainwashing) towards the alienated parent that has consequences in the physical and psychological development of the child, sometimes the children tend not to feel proud of their father or mother. Destroying the relationship with one of their parents and instilling in them to hate their parent, in addition to breaking ties with the alienated parent's family, is extremely serious.

How can you work from psychology to help children who suffer from depression due to the conflictive and hostile dynamics that have occurred in their family?

It is very important that the child or adolescent begins a psychotherapeutic process, because in this conflictive situation the children try not to talk about the divorce, not to express what they feel and think due to the belief that if they do so they may hurt their parents and this will generate more conflict.

Being able to express your feelings to a person who is not immersed in the conflict (and also has a professional background) who will support you is a breakthrough. Therapy not only serves to unload what you are feeling but also to help you manage the difficulties that this is generating in other areas of your life.

It is very important that they can express their feelings freely with a person who is professionally trained and able to provide support. In addition, the same psychologist can advise the couple so that the child or adolescent can adapt to this change in a healthy way without affecting the relationship with either of them.

What can happen if the children do not have psychotherapeutic assistance at key moments?

It will depend on the handling of the separation/breakup of the parents' couple or family, the conflicts that the children have witnessed or not, the correct or incorrect information that they have obtained and also on the child's capacity to face adverse situations and adhere to the change.

It also depends on the ability of the child and adolescent to cope with the adversities that arise without the support of a psychologist, because in extreme cases, not being able to overcome this traumatic situation can lead to the development of a disorder of some kind that affects their adult life.

A poor management of parental separation conflicts can seriously affect a child or adolescent leading to misbehavior, learning problems, loss of the academic year... and in the long term, without the support of a therapist, to the development of a psychological disorder.