’Men don’t cry’.

Not being allowed to cry because of gender-associated prejudices is very damaging.

How does it feel for a person who needs to cry to have his manhood, his manhood, questioned for simply showing his tears in public?

Did you ever, as a very young child, when you were just starting to realize things, surely you were told this phrase after you hurt yourself: boys don't cry, girls cry! Later on, when you were a pre-adolescent and in your adolescence, did they say it again when you suffered any pain, physical or emotional, but changing the word "boy" for "man"?

The truth is that for a long time and, even today, in various contexts and in many societies, it seems a phrase of the most normalized and most innocent.

These are ideas used with the aim of to form strong and unbreakable males, capable of controlling painThe idea is also to distinguish them from women, who are wrongly considered the "weaker sex". But going a step further, what is really behind this phrase that, as I said, even today sounds quite normal in the male world? What is really hidden behind these four words?

What can there really be?

At first glance, and without going too deeply, two points can be distinguished related to the idea that men do not cry:

Insecurity

The insecurity of not really fulfilling the prototypical masculine role, insecurity of not really fulfilling the prototypical masculine roleInsecurity of letting the feminine role gain ground, as if, like a balance, what one gains, the other loses, and vice versa.

How many times have people who have been told this (myself included) really come to wonder if we are really less masculine, therefore, more feminine for crying?

Fear

Fear would be a step up from the previous point, which comes after insecurity. It is a fear of not being accepted in the peer group, of being considered the "soft" or the "soft" one in the class within a school context, of being considered as belonging to the opposite sex for the simple fact of showing crying; fear of being doubted both by others and by oneself, of one's own sexuality. This rejection among peers can result in bullying..

How can this be affected?

These two points represent the damage that is caused to the person who receives this phrase that learns, from infancy, to repress the manifestation of feelings related to sadness and pain through crying.. This learning becomes "tumorized" inside, affecting their way of being and relating to others, their self-esteem, internal dialogue, self-concept and the way they deal with conflicts.

Likewise, the repression of crying also affects the Biological system of the child.. For example, with a lowering of the immune system, which could lead to different psychosomatic disorders or even at a fatal level, cancers, as shown by several studies of people with alexithymia.

A personal experience

As an example of a personal experience, something very recent that happened to me just a few weeks ago. On a Saturday night, I lost my father, after a long illness and no less long agony.

That same night I went home with my wife and daughter, my body was asking me to cry, because at the time of my father's departure I could not do it because I had not finished assimilating, which is known as a state of shock. So I decided to watch the video of my and my brother's communion. From the beginning of the first video I began to cry and cry, surprised by the intensity of the crying, I calmed down and cried again, repeatedly, when I saw my father younger and stronger, when I heard his vigorous speech and not labile and agonizing.

I stayed that way until it was five, almost six in the morning.

The next day, the day of the funeral, I woke up at eleven in the morning, and although I was still very sore, I could see and notice that the level of my pain was not so extreme, although it was still high. Just minutes later, a relative called me and I told him what I had done, and the first thing he said to me was: what are you doing that for? Don't you know that you have to be and look strong on this day?

It was at that moment that I remembered the four-word phrase: "children don't cry". I really realized how much harm some beliefs, some rituals and everything and everything related to the same: the non-expression of feelings, emotional repression, appearing to be strong in adverse moments, not admitting that one needs and wants to cry without fear of being labeled or labeled as "soft".

Crying is a need of the body

Crying is an outlet for the body, a biological need, and even a right that one has as a human being.. To allow yourself to feel the pain at the moment you need or feel it (different from recreating yourself in pain), to allow yourself to cry, is to give yourself the opportunity to pamper yourself, to take care of your biological and psychological health, is to love yourself.

I will allow myself to give as an example, although it may seem a bit bizarre at first, sex or male masturbation. If this occurs, for example, once every four or five days, nothing should happen, but if days go by and there is no opportunity to ejaculate, what is known as "nocturnal pollution" occurs, that is, ejaculation while sleeping, usually accompanied by an erotic dream.

If we extrapolate this example, saving the distances, to the subject of crying, if we continually repress this biological need, there will come a time when it will come out somewhere.either in the form of an emotional tsunami at the slightest setback or in the form of a psychological and/or biological disorder.

Signs, symptoms and recommendations

There are several signs in the form of signs (objective and visible part of an ailment such as the manifestation of crying or some other emotion such as anger, for example) and symptoms (subjective part and therefore not otherwise visible, since it is a personal experience of each individual, such as the level of pain or sadness), which may indicate that this repression of emotions related to sadness and pain may be a problem..

Although everyone can experience sadness in a very idiosyncratic way, the vast majority usually present shyness (shyness can often be the cause of not showing feelings in public for fear of criticism, which has no major drawback if we give ourselves the opportunity to face that pain and not avoid it when we feel more comfortable to cry and feel) when relating to people, a defensive attitude, communication problems (with friends, family ...), emotional dullness, emotional lability, emotional incontinence, emotional flattening, difficulty swallowing bad news (hysterical balloon), feeling that the world is coming down on you, lack of emotional incontinence, emotional flattening, difficulty swallowing bad news (hysterical balloon), feeling that the world is coming down on you, lack of emotional incontinence, emotional flattening (hysterical balloon). ..), emotional dullness, emotional lability, emotional incontinence, affective flattening, difficulties in swallowing bad news (hysterical balloon), feeling that the world is coming upon you, lack of energy, constant tiredness without having made a significant expenditure of energy, and so on.

In view of this, I recommend seeking professional help if you feel that you cannot handle these types of sensations and experiences alone, or if it begins to significantly affect any area of your life.

Conclusion

By way of conclusion to this article, I would like to encourage you to make love to yourself in the form of allowing yourself to cry and giving yourself the opportunity to feel that suffering that you are avoidingeither out of fear, insecurity, or even laziness.

To paraphrase the psychiatrist and speech therapist Viktor E. Frankl: "Pain gives us the opportunity to know ourselves better and is one of the means to discover the meaning of our life".

For this very reason, I encourage you, when you hear the four-word phrase "men don't cry," to think that men really do cry.

Only people who are driven by insecurity and fear try to hide these feelings.They overlook both the short-term benefits and the long-term prophylactic effect it can bring them. Focusing only on "what will they say", "what will they say to me", "what will they think of me", "if I cry I am like a woman..." is counterproductive; they are nothing but criticisms towards us, coming from ignorance, insecurity and fear of others or of oneself.