Miriam Vaz: tolerance to frustration in childhood

Psychologist Miriam Vaz, from Centro Nanda, talks about frustration in children.

In children, curiosity and exploration of the environment are the main driving force for learning throughout this first stage of life; through these activities they seek to alter what is around them, in order to experience the consequences that this produces.

This leads to amusing situations, since a good part of these actions are part of their way of playing, but it also leads them irremediably to frustration on many occasions: precisely because of their lack of experience, they are involved in situations in which they cannot obtain the results they expected.

In most cases this is not a problem, but sometimes the emotional blow of being frustrated with certain goals or objectives is difficult to assimilate. To better understand the nature of frustration in childhood, we interviewed psychologist Miriam Vaz, from Centro Nanda..

Interview with Miriam Vaz: how to manage frustration in children

Miriam Vaz is a psychologist, graduated in Special Education and Director of the Nanda Center, located in Sabadell, where she serves people of all ages and dedicates much of her work to support children and adolescents, as well as their families. In this interview she talks about how frustration can affect children, and what can be done to support them.

What are some of the most common reasons for frustration that you see in children who come to your office?

Before starting to talk about frustration I think it is convenient to define the term as such and from here to explain on this basis: frustration is the feeling that is generated in a person when he/she does not achieve an expectation, a project, an idea and/or a desire.

From here, frustration can derive from many situations and moments, especially those in which the child does not understand and does not know how to manage, so that any situation and / or moment can lead to frustration.

Generalizing a little about the reasons and / or causes of frustration in children, I will mention the most common, but you always have to delve into each case, it is basic, to find out what happens to the small in particular individually.

On many occasions, most of the time, it is the adults themselves who provoke frustration, especially parents, when we say no to the child and prevent them from doing and/or having those things that they consider to be good or that they simply want, but do not always need. A child who feels controlled, constantly pressured, will always be defensive and frustrated on a regular basis.

On the other hand, their peers and/or friends, as well as the objects themselves, provoke frustration when they want to get them to do and/or act as they wish or expect, this makes them frustrated and often they do not know how to get out of this state when it is not fulfilled.

If to all this we add age and personal maturation, which is something very individual, it is easy for them to feel overwhelmed on many occasions by things that are asked of them that perhaps are not theirs because of their age or they simply believe they can do it and they do not achieve it.

Even so, the fact of having occasional frustrations and in small doses is not a negative thing, on the contrary, it makes them grow, mature and at the same time learn that life is not only what they think it is.

From what you have seen, are there certain frequent parenting mistakes behind the little ones who express their frustration through the famous tantrums?

Yes, of course, although parents can try to do everything perfectly, no one is perfect and that is why mistakes are made.

One thing that perhaps on many occasions we adults do not take into account is that children mature little by little, what do I mean by that? Well, until they are 6 years old they do not begin to understand, reason and realize many behaviors and / or actions they do, so first of all as parents we must be patient and be able to put ourselves in the place of the child, because sometimes a tantrum can occur simply because they do not understand what we are trying to convey.

As for mistakes as such, there is one and perhaps the most widespread, which is the fear that we parents may have of the tantrums themselves, as it can become very embarrassing when a child begins to scream, throw themselves on the floor, cry ... so we tend to accede to the demand of the child to avoid this "scene" especially if it occurs outside the home, when the right thing is not to avoid it, but to face it and know how to manage it both parents and to be able to our child the children.

Another thing we tend to fall into is giving lectures and explanations when we start to get stressed and they do not want to do something and / or task they are asked to do, such as washing their hands. We must be aware that this type of behavior for an adult can work but in a child what we cause is more stress and frustration and we get nothing, so it is important to detect when the little one is able to listen to us and is calm to give the explanations that we believe appropriate.

As a result of this, we end up punishing them and getting angry and this is received by the child as rejection, misunderstanding and can cause the tantrum to increase in time and intensity. We must also keep in mind that children want everything NOW and this makes them demanding little ones who, if their demands are not met, act accordingly.

What is the best thing to do when faced with a tantrum or tantrum, from the perspective of parents?

The first thing is to be patient, a cliché, but totally effective, know how to put ourselves in their place (empathy), be able to understand that there is a time for everything, give them their space, teaching them to manage that frustration and consequent tantrum in a healthy and correct way, and redirect the behavior towards healthier actions, both for the little one and for the adult is important. And above all and above all, DO NOT give in to their demands, since this can become a way of functioning and they end up relating "tantrum-get what I want".

The truth is that parents are not born taught to cope with all this issue, so if you feel that these situations overwhelm you, do not hesitate, consult a professional and let yourself be advised, it will be the best option.

Is it frequent that the little ones do not express their frustration by expressing anger or rage, but by getting depressed and wanting to be alone?

Actually, as people, we are all individual and different from each other, so we can find many ways to express children's frustration, in the end, given the immaturity of the children, each one reacts and acts based on what he/she knows and knows, so we can see from children who express their frustration in an explosive and impulsive way, with tantrums as we talked about, to simply isolating themselves and not wanting to know anything about anyone.

What are the main changes that children experience in their way of managing frustration as they develop from early childhood to adolescence?

In infantile stages, the way of expressing frustration is usually manifested with selfish and egocentric behaviors, which are part of the child's own development, and by labeling it as something negative, can sometimes favor this type of behavior in adulthood. Between 0 and 2 years of age, children have no tolerance for frustration and as such, they complain and cry for everything they do not get and are very much driven by basic survival instincts.

Between 3 and 6 years old, the child has a totally egocentric behavior, he/she thinks he/she is the center of the world and does not take into account the existence of others, their empathy is not yet developed and this makes them a bit narcissistic.

From this age and with maturity, it is desirable and expected that this begins to change and they will learn, little by little and with the help of adults, especially parents, to tolerate frustration and know how to redirect it when it occurs, although adolescence is not precisely a stage where this no longer happens, in fact, sometimes you can take a step back for all the changes involved and the desire to set standards and establish rules by parents accuses the situation.

If the child, and consequently the adolescent, is able to learn to tolerate frustration, they will become healthy adults and easily cope with complicated situations without major problems, if on the contrary, they grow up with this feeling and are not able, initially to identify their emotions or to redirect or manage them, as adults will appear another type of problem that will not make things easier for them.

What strategies do you usually use in therapy to help children with frustration regulation problems?

In order to teach them to tolerate frustration, first and foremost, the child must recognize when he/she feels frustrated, by that I mean especially to identify emotions to be able to manage them later, with the consequent act of learning to ask for help when they need it.

Letting the child make mistakes is also a way to teach and let them learn, because if they encounter frustration, they will also learn to manage it sooner than if we overprotect them as parents and give them no other option.

It is important to keep in mind to reinforce all the steps we take with them in order to move forward to reach the desired goal.

They can be taught to relax when they start to feel bad so that it does not go further and they calm down.

After this, different strategies can be used, such as reading a story that deals with the subject, role playing, board games... with this type of activities, especially with the game, we try to normalize and de-dramatize the fact of losing and little by little we will reinforce what has been taught and they will be able to better manage all their feelings.