Mom and Dad are splitting up! And now... what will become of me?

4 guidelines to help children understand and adapt to the separation of their parents.

In this article we want to offer a more realistic view of what a marital separation can generate in the eyes of the children and to offer four guidelines with which you can cope with this new situation and help them to understand it and have a more positive experience. and have as positive an experience of the separation as possible.

Separation is a reality that we live with, it is part of our society and in our hands is the possibility of generating satisfactory solutions to the problems that may arise in the eyes of the children. It is vital to keep in mind the damage that can be caused if these guidelines are not followed.

Separation from parents: a traumatic experience for children

When we ask ourselves what we want for our children, most parents answer "that they are well and happy". Faced with this imperative desire to seek and generate happiness and well-being for the children, we have to keep in mind that it depends on "the parents" that the children are well and happy after the separation.

It is obvious that we do not know what will happen, but what is clear is that the adaptation to the new family situation will be better, less traumatic and easier for the children of parents who, after separation, are able to share decisions about the children and cooperate for their welfare.

What are the most difficult aspects of separation for a child?

The most stressful aspects for a child when there is a separation are the following:

• One parent blaming the child for the separation.

• That there was any kind of abuse at home, with or without the presence of the children.

• That relatives say bad things about the parents.

• That aspects against the other parent are verbalized.

• That the children have to give in and give up things they like.

• That a parent shows sadness or discomfort due to the separation.

• That the mother or father asks questions about the private life of the other parent.

• Comments from other people in the environment in a negative sense towards the parents.

All these aspects generate a great pressure on the children and this tension can provoke difficulties of adaptation and short term symptoms such as depression and short-term symptoms such as depression, anxiety, evolutionary regressions, anger, aggressiveness, school difficulties... It is also not unusual for the child to suffer a drop in self-esteem and self-confidence.

The reactions that children have after separation are different and diverse, and this tells us that it depends on how the separation process is handled by the parents and the relationship established between them, which will determine and condition the adaptation of the children.

Four general guidelines on the process of separation to take care of our children

First of all, it should be clarified that the general indicators in each case are variable and should be adjusted according to the age of the child and the marital situation.. The guidelines that we propose to you are good for the children and for that reason it should be convenient to make an effort to carry them out, and in this way to help to improve the adaptation and the process of the children in the separation.

1. Communicate the decision of separation to the children

It is necessary to reach an agreement between the parents about how it is going to be communicated and in what words it is going to be said, as well as both must be present and in agreement with the decision that has been taken, so that when transmitting this information to the children it is correct and consistent with what is going to be done.The spouses must be present and in agreement with the decision that has been taken, so that at the time of transmitting this information to the children it will be correct and coherent with what is going to be done. It must be made clear that each of the spouses will live in a different house, that it is not their fault, that sometimes older people get angry and cannot be together and it is better to live separately. It is necessary to assure them that they are not going to lose you, that you are their father and mother and that you are going to continue loving them, you are going to be with them and you will continue taking care of them as always.

It must be made clear that they will be able to continue with the same activities they usually do, that the two houses will be their home, that their toys can be in one house or the other without any inconvenience...

2. Make it clear that the children are not to blame

It should be made clear that the separation is a decision made by the adults and that it has nothing to do with them and that they are not to blame, nor are they responsible for the decision of their parents to separate. It should be emphasized that they will continue to be their mom and dad even though they do not live in the same house, and that their decision is for everyone to be happier and that the changes in their lives will be positive ("we will stop fighting and arguing", "we will be less sad", "calmer"...).

Ask them what they think about it, ask them if they have any doubts or concerns about this change and leave the door open to their emotional expression. In short, we should let them ask us when they have any doubts or fears about the change.. This is essential to generate a good communication and help the children to adapt in a natural and less traumatic way.

3. Communicate how the visits will take place

In this case the situations can be very diverse and different depending on the age of the child and the process followed in the separation, but the better the communication and agreement between the parents, the less traumatic it will be. the better the communication and agreement between the parents, the better experience they will be able to transmit to their children..

It is important in this section to have clear the aspects that generate tension in the children, to be able to have clear what is what I want for my son and how I contribute as father or mother to the adaptation and decrease of the tension that the separation generates to them.

4. Minimize the impact that we as adults can have on our children.

In this section we refer to having a control and acceptance that the situation of the adults has changed.But our children still have a father and a mother and we must avoid certain negative comments, work on our anger or frustration with a person who can guide and help us to manage it and not project it on them, not to generate the well-known "loyalty conflicts", because after all they love you both and do not want to hurt you.

Learn more: "Parental Alienation Syndrome (SAP): a form of child abuse".

Some conclusions and nuances

These are some of the aspects that we want to leave you so that you can take into account in case you are immersed in this process of separation and even if you have already carried it out, it is important that you keep in mind these guidelines or points.

Finally, it should be noted that the obligation of the parents to achieve the welfare of their children is of vital importance.. If the child shows signs of symptoms that may be impairing some facet of his or her life, we should get in the hands of a specialist in psychiatry and child and adolescent psychology in order to make an appropriate evaluation and treatment. In addition, educational psychologists will meet with parents to offer and facilitate guidelines and strategies that can be implemented and thus minimize the impact on children.