Morality and resilience, how they sometimes help and sometimes hinder each other.

Moral systems that are very rigid in the way values are followed can be problematic.

The reason for this title is the surprise with which we discover in the consultation how people who ask us for help are influenced by family and social values, sometimes acting as a trench or refuge from the problem they bring, and other times reinforcing the torture they suffer.

Although the concept of morality has a religious tinge, we will rely on it to illustrate what happens when personal values become rigid and do not allow for second chances. and do not admit second chances, marking an explosive red line between what is right and what is wrong. People who live at the crossroads can be forced by the context to act against their own schemes, generating suffering and crises that cost a lot to solve.

In this article we will explain what happens when guidelines or norms are forged inside a person that lead to distress and how it can be solved to finally allow oneself a break and move forward with peace of mind. After all, that is what resilience is all about, coping successfully with adverse events.

The importance of values in psychotherapy

We consider values as those ideas, attitudes, philosophies ideas, attitudes, philosophies to which the person gives value; and if he/she is also coherent with them.and if he/she is also coherent with these values, it is the person himself/herself who becomes valuable in his/her own eyes.

It does not matter much if the values come from social, family or cultural norms, the important thing is that they take hold in the human being, strengthening his capacity to resolve the conflicts that life poses, generating security and motivating the search for experiences that add to the human being's repertoire of pleasant memories.

However, the opposite can also happen, that they do not strengthen the human being but crucify him and strip him of his dignity. This is the case of people who feel that they have to live up to their values, be successful, be responsible and good people, and so on. In these cases there is a discomfort, sometimes like a sledgehammer over their head that dictates sentence, other times like a knife that sticks in the heart, and the Pain is unbearable, because it is never enough no matter what they do: there are always mistakes to be pointed out, stumbles to punishThere are always mistakes to point out, stumbles to punish, and failures that warn like a bad omen.

Likewise, it can also happen that there is an absence of values, resulting in an indifferent response to events. In these cases, psychologically, we would be talking about very serious problems that would prevent introspection or a healthy bond with other people.

The difference is critical depending on whether a person's relationship with his or her values leads to sufferingThe difference is critical depending on whether a person's relationship with his or her values leads to suffering, to comfort or to indifference, since this determines the way to walk towards what is desired, to see others, to think of alternatives, to resolve conflicts, to look at the past, to contemplate the future, etc.

When values turn against you

Values always start from a learning processThe same that we receive from the people who saw us born, who gave us life and introduced us to the world. Emotional Intelligence places great emphasis on this aspect, not so much on what to teach, but on how to teach it, from what point of view or emotional state.

We usually meet people in consultation who are trying to resolve conflicts with themselves, and not only with the event that has unbalanced them. As we listen to them, we perceive which is the way they talk to themselves. That is to say, they may criticize themselves for not having acted, express that they will never be able to express what they feel, stay stuck in "I don't want to think about it, no, no, no, no...". When we go deeper and patients are aware of this way of communicating with themselves, we find this relationship with their referents.

These problems are frequent after having lived with parents who were afraid when their child suffered and responded with anxiety ("don't worry, don't worry!"), or who firmly believed that "the letter enters with blood" ("if you don't study I will sign you up for a military school so that you learn to value effort"), or who due to the economic burden and the pressure of work could not be aware of the emotional state of their children (having them so young to solve conflicts without wanting to tell anyone about it).

If no one has paid attention to this learning, these children will reach an adult world in which they will surely replicate this way of relating to others. will replicate this way of relating, increasing the likelihood of developing anxiety disorders, depression and obsessive disorders, which are generally illnesses resulting from an unhealthy relationship.which are generally illnesses resulting from a system that cannot cope with all the challenges it faces.

When values become virtue and resilience.

Safe, calm and attentive role models transmit the same values, but in this sense there is a big difference. Security does not mean in any case "no matter what happens, you can handle it all", a Mr. Wonderful style message that transmits anxiety beyond the usual anxiety.Mr. Wonderful style message that transmits anxiety beyond the over-stimulation that produces an illusion of control. The true meaning of security, as an emotional state, is to know how to be present, whether things go well or badly, whether you get it right or wrong, because what is really important is the relationship, not the result.

An adult who recognizes that he or she is wrong, even if it hurts, is a safe adult, since he or she will look at his or her son or daughter with the same eyes, which will observe "what happened" when he or she failed or got hurt, and will leave aside the "what did you do", that counterproductive message that is loaded with guilt.

What are you conveying from safety? That there is always the possibility to choose, that not everything is a fight, that you can surrender to lick your wounds, that strength is found in tranquility and not in aggressiveness, that dissenting from the adult's opinion is a right, that you are loved in good times as well as in bad.

Patients who have received this type of Secure Attachment are able to experience that which is outside their internal norms in order to explore more options and not fall into eternal punishment, to learn from the outcome and to always be able to choose, which is fundamental to adapt to the world.

What can you do when the battle of courage makes you suffer?

Although we have focused on fathers and mothers as referents, all people can exercise how to fall into the mistakes we have seen. And that is the key, that values are reinforced when they work with other people.. We are social beings, we need others, even if they have the capacity to harm us, hence the benefit of being selective.

Any person who has grown up with internal messages that block him, hurt him, saturate him... has lived positive experiences on his own, part of the growth process (experiences at university, related to work, sports, art, being a parent, etc), only that his brain until now only selected those memories that are closely linked to the internal messages, hence when they come to consultation they express that "I have always been bad".

Teaching this resourceful mind its own capacities is part of the work we do in Terapéutica en Alza, transmitting security from the calm and professionalism, always respecting what the person who suffers wants to achieve, maintaining their own values, which always worked as a whip that imposed punishment, and now will become that companion that helps, with effort and perseverance, to carve the way to a possible future.