My child has ADHD: what do I do?

Some advice for parents whose children have ADHD.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is a chronic neurobiological disorder that some children present before the age of 12.

These children show a series of behaviors that, traditionally due to lack of knowledge, cause them to be labeled as "difficult", "naughty" or "bad". These behaviors are mainly characterized by a lack of impulse control and difficulty to maintain voluntary attention among others..

ADHD in children

The guilt that parents of "difficult children" may experience is a very common feeling. The minors absorb all the information of their environment and it is normal that the parents think that they have been a bad example. But, although it is true that a very high percentage of children's behaviors are learned by modeling, in the case of adhd usually the tutors have had little to do with it.

What usually happens is that patterns have been created that unconsciously harm the child, which means that the behaviors of the child are not always the same.This means that the behaviors associated with the disorder are more intense, frequent and annoying. It may be that inadequate reinforcement systems or reinforcers (rewards) that do not work are being used. It should be taken into account that traditional educational methods do not usually give good results with children with ADHD.

It may be that the impotence felt by parents has turned into "throwing in the towel". It should be noted that this is a very difficult task for parents because the impulsive or hyperactive behavior of the child is perceived by the parents as aversive and intrusive, usually provoking negative reactions.usually provoking negative reactions in adults. No professional will hold parents responsible, however, and seeking help is one of the most responsible things you can do for your child.

It is just as important to educate the parents in responses to the child's behaviors as it is to educate the child him/herself.. A psychological professional can recognize these patterns and begin to help break them and develop new ones.

Once we have removed the guilt and have understood the disorder, we must act with specific behaviors to improve the quality of life of the child and find that all their cognitive and physiological needs are met.

What can I do for my child with ADHD?

The following actions are aimed at improving interactions with the child so that both parents and the child feel more confident and take control by acquiring new effective behaviors. These are some tools that are worked on in the psychological consultation during the training program for parents of children with ADHD.

1. Reinforcing strengths

González de Mira (1997) has observed that children with ADHD tend to have a good visual and auditory memory, high levels of creativity and sense of humor, are sensitive and very committed to their loved ones, as well as being very energetic. For this reason, it is important that parents emphasize these positive characteristics, in order to encourage children to develop good self-esteem..

2. Improve communication

In a family with a child with ADHD, the number and frequency of negative interactions is usually quite high. Effective communication can mitigate the negative effect of the disorder on the family and the child..

Parents should be made to understand that if it is difficult for them to communicate assertively with the child and they feel frustrated; the child also has difficulties because of the disorder itself. In addition, being a minor, he/she has not yet acquired resources for problem solving or effective communication..

By becoming aware of this, the competitiveness that parents of children with ADHD tend to have with their children is broken and they are oriented towards changing the attitudes that are detrimental to solving the problem.

3. Attitude in communication

From the assessment we make about people, expectations arise that will influence the attitude when dealing with them. It has been shown in several investigations that children perceive themselves on the basis of the opinion that their parents or guardians have of them..

Expectations would be related to implicit personality theories and to the Pygmalion effect (the expectations that a tutor has on his/her student directly influence his/her performance).

The child with ADHD is usually labeled as restless, bad, annoying... so the child builds from these traits the image of him/herself. The direct consequence of this is that the child orients his/her behavior to be consistent with these expectations of him/her, since they serve as a guide for action.

Children with ADHD function with clear, concise messages, specifying in a direct way what is expected of him/her. Verbal and non-verbal communications must coincide in a coherent manner..

4. The right time to communicate

It is very important to choose the right situation to give orders to your son/daughter or to make him/her understand.

This moment of negotiation can never arise in the discussion.where concrete instructions must be given. If the situation is negative or unfavorable, it is very unlikely that a favorable resolution will be reached.

In addition, parents should ignore tantrums or inappropriate behaviors in order not to reinforce them with attention so that they are not repeated.

5. Listening skills

A good strategy is to have a conversation with their children so that they can communicate their concerns, in which they should apply these guidelines: listen calmly, do not show disagreement or give advice, propose a solution that allows the child to freely express all his or her desires, fears or frustrations. In this way, the child feels confidence in his/her parents and encourages him/her to ask for help about whatever is happening to him/her..

6. How to provide information

Gordon called the different different alternatives for stating a parent's demand to the child: I-messages and you-messages..

I-messages are parental statements in which parents report what they think, feel, and want about the child's behavior, but without engaging in blaming or critical comments.

You messages focus on censure and recrimination using criticism and labeling the child in a negative way.

Parents of children with ADHD are much more likely to use you messages with their children. You can begin to identify when these messages are said to children and turn them into "I" messages.

7. Conflict resolution and communication skills

It is very beneficial to understand that in every conflict you have to give in and, at the same time, benefit in some way from the solution.. Even if you are in a position of authority in front of your son/daughter, you must always bear in mind that the minor may also be right.

Author: Susana Merino García. Psychologist specialized in psychopathology and health.

Bibliographical references:

• Soler, C.L.; Núñez, M.M. (2001) Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity. Madrid. Ed: Klinik.
• Arco, J.L.; Fernández, F.D. & Hinojo, F.J. (2004) Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: Psychopedagogical intervention. Psicothema, Vol 16(3), pp. 408 - 414.
• Korzeniowsk, C. & Ison, M.S. (2008) Psychoeducational Strategies for Parents and Teachers of Children with ADHD. Revista Argentina de Clínica Psicológica, XVII, pp. 65 - 71.