My partner doesn’t want me’: causes and possible solutions

Let's see the main causes of lack of desire in intimate relationships as a couple, and what to do.

As the years go by, it is normal for boyfriends and spouses to see how their sexual relationship is becoming less active, but not because of this that it is exhausted or that sex becomes a thing of the past.

Sex is something that occurs at all ages and having it is completely normal, whether to a lesser or greater extent. However, it is true that there are couples who see their sex life suddenly shut down, and it is inevitable to wonder why.

"My partner doesn't want me" is the thought of many men and women who see their lover's sexual desire diminish to a worrying extent. What is causing it, and does it have a solution? Let's see it below.

My partner does not want me: what to do?

A very important pillar in most couples is sexual relations.. It is not that sex is what determines how well or how badly a couple is doing, as we can observe in many couples with asexual members where intimate relations acquire a more secondary level, but it is true that sexual relations are a moment of intimacy and connection that allows lovers to feel full, to notice how the other person is part of them and they are part of the other person.

It is totally normal that sexual life becomes less active as the years go by. The emotions and feelings that are felt at the beginning of the relationship are settling down, becoming more nuanced and calmer, without this implying that love or the desire to have sex from time to time disappears. What happens is that the intensity decreases, but not the quality of the relationship. However, there are many men and women who, after a while and see that the magic has faded, fear that the relationship has been exhausted and in their mind comes the thought of "my partner does not want me".

The lack of sexual desire in those couples where it is considered a necessity can become a serious problem.. However, even if that desire is lost (which it doesn't have to be) both lovers can still have well-being, complicity, communication, fun, development and common growth. Sex is not everything, but its absence can cause problems if it is not addressed as to what has caused it to be no longer common, and it causes tension and conflict between spouses or partners.

The absence of desire is not something that necessarily precipitates a breakup, but certainly, if not properly addressed, it can be one of the many things that overflow the cup of the unsatisfied relationship.

Causes of lack of sexual desire in the couple.

Having made the reflection on why sex is not necessarily something basic in all couples, it is true that if it is, we must look for the source of the problem. Since sex is considered a basic need, the fact that a relationship goes from having X amount of sexual relations to practically none should not necessarily worry us, but we should try to find out why. As we were saying, it is normal that with the passing of the years, sex becomes less and less important and that those fiery relationships we had in our youth become less and less common. However, if this happens suddenly, there must be an explanation beyond age or the gain of confidence between the two, especially if this second cause is not seen as something possible.

There are many reasons why we should start worrying about the fact that our partner no longer desires us, or at least that is the feeling he/she gives us. Each one of them will require different approaches, as well as different difficulties and degrees of effort.

1. Infidelity

Unfortunately, one of the possible causes behind the fact that our partner does not want us is that he/she has been unfaithful to us. Naturally, the fact that he or she has cheated on us, far from solving the problem of the lack of sex or the fact that he or she does not want us, will only make the problem more complex. The fact that he or she has other relationships makes him or her lose even more interest in his or her partner..

Naturally, he or she had no right to be unfaithful. It may be true that he has lost interest in us because he no longer finds us attractive or because there has been something that has made us not want to have sex for a while, but whatever it is does not justify his bad behavior. He has broken our trust and, as long as it is not an open relationship partner, he has broken the principle of not looking outside the home for what he already has.

The way to overcome this problem is to go to couple's therapy.. This does not mean that we have to forgive him/her, but it can help us to decide to take this step, since it is thanks to this type of therapy that many people manage to trust the other person again, and the other person learns not to betray his/her partner again. Communication is the key to overcome this problem.

2. Sexual dysfunctions and medical problems

Many men and women suffer from sexual dysfunctions and, despite the fact that these problems are being destigmatized, many are afraid to tell even their own partner. Premature ejaculation or vaginismus can cause the feeling that our partner does not want us. It is not that they do not want to have sexual intercourse, but that they feel he feels so much discomfort and fear of not being able to be "up to the task" that he does not dare to have sex with us..

These problems are unlikely to be solved by themselves and, therefore, it is necessary to see a doctor. The causes for which they can appear are varied, being the organic causes that will be evaluated and treated by a doctor in case there are any; and the psychological ones, attended by sexologists psychologists.

It may also be the case that these sexual dysfunctions appear as a consequence of an underlying disorder.The cause of this may be an alcohol addiction, an anxiety disorder or depression. For this reason, if an organic cause has been ruled out, a psychotherapist specialized in couples should also be consulted.

3. Stress, anxiety and associated disorders

Stress and anxiety are two aspects that have become the heavy companionship of many people. Worries, fear, uncertainty, insecurity and many other emotions and cognitions alter us, make us tense and provoke alterations.They make us tense and cause alterations both mentally and chemically. Cortisol levels rise while the hormone serotonin is at a minimum, causing a series of physical and psychological changes that soon affect sexual desire.

Maybe the reason why our partner no longer desires us is because she feels so overwhelmed, accumulating so much tension and seeing how situations overwhelm her that she ends up suffering a general blockage that ends up affecting the way she relates to us in the sexual field. Stress favors apathy and inhibition of sexual desire, along with other problems in other areas.Stress favors apathy and inhibition of sexual desire, along with other problems in other areas of your life and, therefore, it is advisable to seek psychotherapy.

4. Monotonous relationship and boredom

Boredom is also one of the causes behind the fact that our partner seems to have lost interest in us. It is a bit sad to admit, but it is much better than the other three causes we have seen since it is not something we should be particularly concerned about. It is logical that, after many years with the same person, sex becomes very routine, with few surprises, and even mechanical.with few surprises and even mechanical.

If we want sex to work in our relationship, we must give it some life. Boredom is fought with originality, creativity and new ideas, with things that do not need to break your head to feel again that the flame of love and attraction is as hot as at the beginning. Let's open our minds a little: have romantic dates, try new positions, add toys, have tantric sex ... there are many ways to regain the passion.

Possible solutions to overcome the problem

As we have seen, there are several factors that explain the fact that our partner no longer desires us sexually, or at least that is the feeling he gives us. Each situation causes the problem to acquire a different severity and approach, the most serious being infidelity. Whatever the problem we consider to be in our relationship, we will now see what we can do to address this issue.

1. Talk openly

The most important thing of all is to talk openly with our partner about any problem that distresses or worries us. We must be clear in saying that we have the feeling that he/she does not want us, conveying how we feel and how important it is for us to carry the child. and how important it is for us to have a more active sex life. It is essential to let him or her also explain, to tell us what is happening and what he or she thinks about this problem. Be honest, respectful and understanding and, above all, calm.

2. Identify the problem and look for a solution.

As we have seen, there are several problems that may be behind the lack of sexual desire. In order to blame the problem, it is necessary to know what is causing it and to act accordingly.This may require professional support.

If it is stress or a problem of sexual dysfunction, it is essential to go to professionals to see if there may be a disease or disorder behind it, giving priority to the physical and mental health of our partner before our sex life.

If it is a matter of infidelity, above all we must remain calm even if it has broken our hearts. As we have said, he had no right to do it and, no matter how many "needs" he may tell us to justify what he has done, there is no excuse. He has betrayed us, but it is not necessarily the end of the relationship. Here it is advisable to go to couples therapy and see how events develop.

Finally, if the problem is boredom, the best thing to do is to expand our sexual options. In the vast world that is the Internet we can find advice of all kinds and conditions to make our sex life a little more heterodox and, while you will surely find things that you dislike, there will be others that, however strange they may seem to you, you will surely find morbid.

3. Go to the psychologist individually

Go to the psychologist, but for you. This is not couple therapy (couple therapy is always done as a couple) but to introspect on yourself and find out if there really is something in you or in the situation you live that may have precipitated the fact that our partner does not want us. It may, in fact, be us who do not want to have sex, but we do not even realize it or we have projected this absence of sex onto the other.

It is also necessary to manage the emotions associated with the feeling that we are not wanted by the person with whom we share so much.. This can be very painful for both men and women and, although it may be merely a misunderstanding or that the sexual desires of both lovers are not in sync, being denied sex by our own partner can cause a lot of frustration and anger, even pushing us into the arms of another person. And we don't want that under any circumstances.