My partner is too selfish: what to do?

A relatively frequent type of problem in those who consider attending couple therapy.

A good part of the problems that arise in couple relationships arise from asymmetrical relationships: that is, those in which one party gives more than he/she receives.

These asymmetries can take many forms: sometimes complaints arise from the jealousy that one of the partners feels when they see that they cannot control the other, sometimes they arise from emotional dependence and the need to have the constant approval of the other, etc. In any case, one of the most common formulas used by those who come to psychotherapy to treat this discomfort is: "I feel that my partner is too selfish"..

In this article we will see what problems are hidden behind this kind of complaints, and what can be done to confront and overcome them.

The selfish partner: a phenomenon more complex than it seems

One of the most studied phenomena in the field of psychology is what we call "fundamental attribution error". This psychological phenomenon can be understood as a bias, i.e. a distorted way of interpreting reality that, although irrational, is frequent in our way of thinking.

The fundamental attribution error consists of the following: we attribute the behavior of others to "their way of being", something like their essence as individuals.whereas when interpreting what we do ourselves, we take into account the circumstances that led to that action and, in general, the context that has influenced us, i.e., what is external to us.

People who recurrently come to the conclusion that their partner is selfish are often driven by this bias; they assume that the attitudes and behaviors they see in the other person reveal his or her true personality, with all that this implies. Pessimistic thoughts about the future of the relationship and its viability thus arise..

As in almost all the cognitive distortions into which we often fall, there is nothing to indicate that the fundamental attribution error leads us to be wrong whenever it appears. Although it serves to simplify reality, sometimes it is right, and while no behavior can be explained as if people were totally disconnected from their environment, it is possible to arrive at the reasoned decision that it is not worth taking on all the sacrifices involved in helping that person to change.

In short, the fundamental attribution error is a "shortcut" that allows us to reach conclusions in a relatively simple way, and that sometimes happens to be what best helps us to understand what is going on... but sometimes not. That is why many times, if the couple's relationship is not totally toxic and clearly hurts one or both parties, it is worth examining what is really more important than the other, it's worth examining what's really beyond that superficial "my partner is selfish" thinking. of "my partner is selfish".

What to do if your partner behaves selfishly

Here are some things I advise you to keep in mind to manage problems of this kind in your love life.

1. Move from noun to verb

Remember that if you want to deal with the problem from a constructive perspective, you have to reject the idea that selfishness is part of your partner's essence.Otherwise, all the explanations we create to describe what happens will be circular and will only generate more hostility and frustration: he acts selfish because he is selfish, and vice versa.

Instead, we must focus on behavior, those concrete actions that take place in time and space. The person is not selfish, he behaves selfishly.

Then it will be clear what needs to be changed: the lack of involvement in household chores, the tendency to complain if you don't choose the weekend plan the other person wants, etc. With a specific objective in sight, it is possible to look for solutions.without it, nothing can be done.

2. Put yourself in the other person's shoes

This may seem obvious, but in situations like this, where there is open or latent conflict, many people forget what it means to put themselves in the other person's shoes. It does not mean letting them talk about how they feel and then becoming defensive about the accusations we detect in their words; it involves understanding their version of events and connecting that knowledge with what we know about that person's values, priorities and fears.

That doesn't mean agreeing with it, or considering it morally excusable; it means understanding the logic at work behind their actions and feelings.. Only if we do this will we have a basis for making an informed decision as to whether there are possibilities for readjusting the relationship or whether it is better to end it.

However, it is important to insist that in extreme cases of abuse, the priority is not to understand what is happening, but to get to safety.

3. Agree on changes in habits that affect both of you.

Even if you have come to the conclusion that most of the problematic behaviors appear on the part of your partner and not on your part, it is better to apply proposals for behavioral correction that involve both of you (although not to the same extent), and not just the other. In that way you will be motivating each other to contribute more to the relationship, on the one hand, and to appreciate these behavioral changes and facilitate them by maintaining a constructive attitude, on the other hand. by maintaining a constructive attitude, on the other.

4. Go to couple's therapy

Couples therapy is a highly recommended setting in which to deal with these kinds of problems. Psychologists often work with problems that are not in a single person, but rather in a couple. arise in the interaction between boyfriends and girlfriends, between husband and wife, etc.

Not only is it possible to express oneself openly with the support of a referee who does not judge or take sides, but programs are also applied to modify habits and thought patterns in order to turn the relationship into a fertile ground in which love is strengthened, wherever possible.

5. In the face of a breakup, avoid revenge

The rupture should not be interpreted as a failure, but as a failure, taking into account the cost of remaining in the relationship.If, taking into account the cost of staying in the relationship for a while longer, we have given it a chance to improve.

But once it occurs, it is not advisable to "cut" using the situation as a personal revenge; it will not only produce unnecessary damage in the other person, but it can also install us in beliefs that generate us even more discomfort. The fact that we have harmed our ex-partner, normally, makes us have more reasons to accumulate resentment towards her.

Are you looking for professional help?

If you are considering going to see a psychologist to deal with this or any other type of problemI suggest you contact me for a first therapy session. I am a psychologist specialized in cognitive-behavioral therapy and third generation therapies, and I treat both individual patients and couples. You can find me both in my therapy center located in Almeria and through my online therapy services wherever you are.

Bibliographical references:

• Albuquerque, J.P. (2017). Family, family conflicts and mediation. Editorial Ubijus. Mexico.
• Biscotti, O. (2006). Terapia de Pareja: una mirada sistémica. Buenos Aires: Lumen.
• Fisher, H. (2006). Anatomy of Love - a Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
• Morgan, J.P. (1991). What is codependency? Journal of Clinical Psychology 47(5): pp. 720 - 729.