Need for approval: what is it and how can it become a problem?

Why do we all have a need for approval, to a greater or lesser extent? How to manage it?

Feeling approved and accepted by others is a human need, totally natural and necessary for our survival. By having others validate us, our self-esteem grows, as well as our well-being since we feel secure and protected.

The need for approval is totally natural and adaptive in the human species, as long as it is healthy.as long as it is healthy. Sacrificing who you are to make sure you fit in with a group or the rest of society is not healthy, since you are not being approved for who you are, but for what you pretend to be.

The line between healthy and pathological need for approval, that is dependency, can be fine and it is this issue that we will look at next.

• Related article, "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

What does the need for approval consist of?

As hard as it is for us to admit, we all seek approval from others. It is natural, since the need for validation is as human and inherent to our nature as the need to eat or breathe. It has a very important adaptive function, which is to get other people to accept us in our own way. to get other people to accept us in their respective groups in order to obtain their protection and help in the face of a threat or unfavorable situation..

Many people are obsessed with trying to be liked by others, so much so that they even sacrifice their own way of being. In order to try to fit into a certain group, they behave in a way that is completely different from how they really are, even fearing that others will know how they really are. This makes their lives totally controlled by how others see them, making them feel very unhappy when they see someone criticize them or when they are not liked by everyone.

Human beings want to be liked and flattered, but it is one thing to feel valued and quite another to be extremely dependent on others to accept us in order to feel good. The need for approval can become a real mental health problem if it turns into extreme dependence, especially if the person changes his or her way of thinking and acting.especially if the person changes his or her manner and appearance to satisfy people who have no reason to offer real help.

Approval and childhood

From the time we are born we have the need for others to validate and approve of us. This is perfectly adaptive, since if we look at it from an evolutionary perspective, it happens that we look for others to accept us, to admit us into their respective groups and, thus, we receive their protection and security. The nature of human beings is social and, as social animals, we need others to survive.

The search for approval can already be seen in childhood and in our infancy. we need validation from adults as well as from other children.. By interacting with them we not only get protection and security, but we also find ourselves in a favorable environment for learning and emotional well-being. Feeling loved and valued by others, we are more likely to imitate their behavior, and the love and affection we receive from them fills us emotionally.

However, in the case of marginalized children, their need for approval is not satisfied. This can have multiple consequences at the psychological level, among which the first and most visible is a great lack of self-esteem which, after all, has an important social component: if others do not value us, we can hardly value ourselves.

Another case is that of children who are taken into account, but in a negative way.. If we are told all the bad things we do, highlighting our faults and weaknesses, it is clear that our self-esteem will be greatly reduced. Receiving negative comments from both peers and family members increases the need for approval. When he grows up, this child will desperately seek the approval he did not receive and, as soon as someone shows him a little affection, he will try to bond intensely with that person in a very pathological and dependent way.

The pathological need for approval: emotional dependency

There may be several situations that have caused a person to have a great need for approval, that is, a great dependence on others to show validation. As we have just seen, this need has an important role in childhood and it is in this period that, if there is a problem, the need for healthy approval turns into pathological dependence.

There are several aspects that warn us that someone is very dependent on the approval of others. People with a dependence on approval never show disagreement or a different opinion. They confuse being nice and pleasing others with saying yes to everything the person they are trying to please likes or says they want to do. That is, they think that if they say "no" or show a different opinion, they will anger the person in whom they are trying to get their approval and they are very afraid of this situation happening.

People dependent on the approval of others have an emotional state that varies greatly depending on the opinion of others. If they are flattered or complimented, even if it is a very simple comment that is no big deal, they feel euphoric and happy as soon as they hear it. On the other hand, if they are told a criticism, however small, constructive and peaceful it may be, they feel very sad and worthless. Whether it is good or bad, they exaggerate the comment received to unadaptive levels.

They tend to be very concerned about their appearance, as they care very much about how they look.They care a lot about what others think and, of course, image is included among the issues for which they want to be accepted. It is not pathological to dress up a bit or follow fashions, but it is pathological if it becomes a necessity. These people are unable to go out in the street without dressing up completely, hiding their "defects", combing their hair to the latest fashion and wearing the fashion that they feel is the most appropriate to fit in with the people they want to like.

Can the need for pathological approval be eliminated?

It is possible to eliminate the need for pathological approval, but we must understand that this will only be possible with the guidance of a psychologist and a lot of work. There are also several tips and recommendations that we can take into account if we want to stop this need for approval from completely controlling our lives.

1. Only we know ourselves in depth

There will be people who will take a flaw of ours and judge us entirely based on it, but these people are not in possession of the truth. We are the ones who know ourselves best and we know (or should know) what our strengths and weaknesses are..

The important thing is that we accept ourselves as we are and know where to improve. This does not mean that we should only seek approval from ourselves, since as social animals we need to interact with others in order to have emotional well-being, but we cannot establish healthy relationships with other people without first accepting and knowing ourselves.

2. We can't please everyone

People are very diverse and we can see virtues where others see defects. There will always be people who criticize and disapprove of us, but there will also be those who support and accept us.. It is this second type of people that we have to approach, since they are the ones who will provide us with emotional well-being, accepting us as we are, with our strengths and weaknesses.

3. Criticism is not synonymous with rejection

We all want to receive compliments and compliments, but this is not always the case. Sometimes we will receive disapproval and criticism, but this is not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it a sign of rejection.. It is true that some people make these comments in an abrupt way, but others do it in a polite and constructive way, often thinking about what is best for us, making comments so that we can learn to be better people.

That comment may provoke negative emotions, but that is not necessarily a bad thing or a personal attack. We must try to react calmly to criticism, be patient and learn not to feel attacked, as well as learn to control our emotions. Criticism, well done, is useful for learning.

4. Let's be a little selfish

Yes, it sounds pretty bad as it is said, but being a little selfish is fine if it is to give us mental health. When we do something, before making a decision, we should ask ourselves, for whom are we doing it? To what extent does the opinion of others influence what we are doing? Will doing it make us happier? The answers we have to these questions will show us to what extent our lives depend on how much we want others to accept us or whether we think about ourselves.

5. Be ourselves

Finally, there is the fundamental advice for all people who are desperate to find others' approval: be yourself. Everyone has their pros and cons, and this makes us equal to each other. In some things we will be good and in others bad, but that is life. There will be things that can be improved, but others cannot, and it is with the latter that we must pretend.

Funny as it may sound, while the people who are most anxious to find external approval do not find it, those who do not seek it do find it.. Being oneself will make some people not accept us as we are, but it will bring us closer to those who do value us, people who will only criticize us when we do something wrong or see that there is something that can be improved. Be that as it may, stopping worrying about outside opinion and trying to achieve unattainable goals will bring us closer to emotional and psychological well-being.

Bibliographical references:

• Alonso, L.E. (1993) La Producción Social de la Necesidad, Revista Economistas, no. 28.
• Castello, B.J. (2005) Dependencia emocional: Características y tratamiento, Alianza Editorial.
• Smith M.J. (2010) Cuando digo NO, me siento culpable, Editorial DEBOLSILLO.
• Aumann, J., Lanzguerro, S., Velasco, P. and Domínguez, A. (2017). Need for social approval and developmental resources in Mexican adolescents. Teaching and Research in Psychology, 22(2), 204-211.
• Franco, C. and De León, V. (2015). Increasing self-esteem. Logos High School Science Bulletin, 3(2).
• Kelly, R.A. (2010). Social skills training: a practical guide for interventions. Bilbao: Desclée de Brouwer.