Obsession for love? 10 keys to recognize limerence

A summary of the main characteristics of limerence, a type of obsession for love.

The state of falling in love is a transitory stage where intense emotions appear towards the loved one, which gradually subside to give way to a period of emotional stability that strengthens the relationship.

From here on, and if all goes well, the relationship is built under a strong bond of love, respect, intimacy and trust.

This phase of infatuation in which we are fascinated by the loved one and which sets in motion chemical mechanisms in our brain that fill us with desire, euphoria and excitement involuntarily, ceases to be healthy when we add to it a strong need to be corresponded in an obsessive way. It is then when we speak of limerence.

What is limerence?

Limerence, as defined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, is an involuntary interpersonal state involving an acute desire for emotional reciprocity; obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings and behaviors; and emotional dependence on another person. We speak of an obsessive-compulsive disorder focused on the loved one..

10 keys to detect limerence

The 10 most important symptoms to keep in mind that describe limerence are the following:

Circular thoughts towards the loved object 2.

Everything leads to the loved one. Every event, place or moment reminds us of the loved one and everything is centered on him or her.. These are recurrent thoughts of obsessive type, which revolve around the other with the intention of discovering and checking if he/she loves us in the same measure.

Fear of rejection

Excessive anxiety appears when thinking about the possible rejection of the other person.The patient may also experience physical manifestations of anxiety such as tachycardia, tremors, hyperventilation, dizziness, etc.

3. Compulsive behaviors

The obsessive fear of not being reciprocated translates into compulsive checking behaviorssuch as directly asking the other person about his or her feelings, or writing messages to him or her, bringing up topics of conversation to see his or her interest, compulsively asking others what they think about the relationship, etc.

4. Feeling of euphoria in the face of signs of attention, whether real or not.

This can occur during infatuation in a normal way, the difference is that many times reality is distorted. the difference is that many times the reality is distorted in favor of a disproportionate formThe difference is that we often distort reality in our favor in a disproportionate way, trying to convince ourselves with every little detail that it is significant and that it determines that the other person corresponds to us.

5. Constant fantasies of reencounter and recreation of the encounters lived.

Again the difference here with the normal phase of infatuation is its obsessive and almost constant character.. The person can spend hours fantasizing non-stop.

6. Lack of emotional control

The obsessive and therefore anxiogenic condition of limerence, will inevitably lead to distorted thoughts and emotional reactions of instability..

7. Intrusive thoughts about the other person

Thinking about the other person does not respond to our control, moreover, the fear of rejection leads to negative thoughts about the feelings of the loved one, of obsessive type, and that influence in the emotional destabilization described in the previous point.

8. Idealization of the loved one

During infatuation, we all idealize the other, but in limerence the obsession to be loved by the other and the constant need to prove it, is disproportionate, not being able to listen to criticism or assume that the other person has faults.. In this way, the distortion about the other can be exaggerated. This would be the case of Don Quixote and the beautiful Dulcinea del Toboso.

9. Suicidal ideas before the idea of non-correspondence

The anguish before the possibility of not being loved, makes the person who suffers obsessively think that life is meaningless without this love, since it is the only important thing, the only thing that gives meaning to his life.

10. Anxiety and/or depression

Keeping any situation obsessively is a generator of anxiety and a low mood that eventually can lead to depression. In addition, the fact of focusing all our worth almost exclusively on how the other person sees us, and on whether or not we areand whether or not we are reciprocated, greatly weakens self-esteem.

In conclusion

Limerence is different from infatuation because it tends to put the selfish desire to be loved before the construction of a relationship. And it can be disabling, since the person who suffers from it can modify his or her life around that loved object, which prevents him or her from performing his or her tasks.

In relationships built from respect, intimacy, the search for mutual interests and enjoyment among equals, falling in love is a fascinating period full of joy and satisfaction to share, which has nothing to do with limerence; which one do you stay with?

Bibliographical references:

• Tennov, D. (1998): Love and Limerence: The Experience Of Being In Love;
• Salcedo, A. and Serra, E. (2011). Amores dependientes. Tirant lo Blanch.