Paloma Rodriguez Calvo: "Accepting oneself is not about resigning oneself".
Psychologist Paloma Rodriguez talks about self-love as a basis for establishing healthy relationships.
There is no doubt that practically all the emotions that take place in our minds are expressed through our way of interacting with the outside world, whether we want it or not. In fact, the more intense and meaningful those feelings are, the more important their effects will be on what we do and what others can see.
Of course, everything that has to do with our self-esteem and the way we see ourselves has a strong emotional charge, and one of the areas of life that is most influenced by that is the way we relate to the people we care about, and one of the areas of life most influenced by this is the way we relate to the people we care about..
To better understand this link between self-esteem (or the lack of it) and social life, we have interviewed the psychologist Paloma Rodriguez Calvowho works day by day in contact with this subject.
Interview to Paloma Rodriguez: the link between self-esteem and personal relationships
Paloma Rodriguez Calvo is a General Health Psychologist and directs the psychological assistance center Reinventar-se Crecimiento, located in Bilbao. In this interview she explains how self-love is linked to the ability to develop healthy and stable relationships in our lives.
Is it possible to have a satisfying social life if we don't love ourselves?
Whether we love ourselves or not does not prevent us from relating to others and having an active social life. We may even feel that our social life is satisfying simply because we maintain contact with other people.
However, if we measure our social satisfaction in terms of the quality of interpersonal relationships, there is no doubt that self-esteem plays a fundamental role.
If, when relating to others, we start from a relationship of self-love, in which our worth does not depend on others, we will find it easier to maintain sincere and trusting social relationships.
However, when we relate to others from a lack of self-esteem, we will be more prone to constantly seek the approval of others and to relate with the need for others to make up for this lack. In this case, it is more likely that social relationships of dependence, not very meaningful and unsatisfactory, will appear.
In order to lead a quality social life, we must not forget to take care of the relationship we have with ourselves, as this has a great influence on the way we relate to others and to our environment, thus playing a role in our personal satisfaction at all levels.
Bearing in mind that self-esteem is also formed through how we see others treat us, can it be said that someone with a lack of self-esteem enters a vicious circle? That is, as one undervalues oneself, so do others, and this causes one to keep self-sabotaging oneself.
When a person does not feel sufficiently valid, it may happen that their attention is unconsciously focusing on events, moments or people that do not make them feel valued, feeding back their discomfort and feeling even less valid.
This circle could be expressed as:
-I don't love myself because I am not worth -The others do not prove that I am worth it when they relate to me. -Others are confirming to me that I am not worth it. -I don't love myself (and so on and so forth...)
One explanation for this is a misperception and misinterpretation of reality that is based on cognitive biases such as confirmation bias.
This bias makes us more predisposed to perceive information from the environment that confirms what we have already internalized. In this case, if I think I am not good enough, I unconsciously find reasons around me that prove me right, confirm my idea and start all over again. All this, in turn, is influenced by personal beliefs about who we are and what determines our personal value.
Each case is unique, and an individual assessment is necessary to find a way out of the loop. The good news is that the loop can be broken. For this, self-knowledge, self-compassion and the practice of mindfulness can be of great help. If necessary, the guidance of a good professional can be the key to get out of that loop of suffering.
We cannot deny the influence that others can have on our self-esteem, but it is worth mentioning that a consolidated and strong self-esteem will never be based on things that do not depend on oneself, such as how others treat us. Our value depends, in the first instance, on how we see and treat ourselves.
Many people who lack self-esteem will probably believe they have an objective view of themselves. However, is it difficult to recognize these biases in oneself?
Yes, it is. In general, we all tend to think that our way of perceiving the world and interpreting reality is more objective than it really is.
We tend to believe that the vision we have of ourselves, regardless of whether it is positive or negative, is based on real and unquestionable data. But this belief is far from reality, as the view of oneself is mostly based on subjective experiences.
For people who lack self-love this is especially set against them, since, believing that the view of themselves is completely objective, they feel that they are as they are and there is no possibility of change.
To break with this bias, we need to develop our capacity for discernment, the starting point of which is the questioning of our reality and self-observation.
Questioning ourselves and observing with greater depth and understanding what we think and feel is the way to recognize and break with these biases, thus allowing us to build a kinder and more compassionate self-concept to live in a more adapted and happier way.
As far as relationships are concerned, is it common that people with self-esteem problems tend to be with people who are willing to "fill" this affective gap through a dominant and controlling attitude?
A person with self-esteem problems can manifest it in different ways in an affective relationship. For example, he/she may tend to relate to someone who makes him/her feel valid and important constantly, regardless of the methods he/she uses to do so (control, dominance, attention, care...); but it could also be the other way around, becoming the person who needs to control and dominate others as a protection mechanism against his/her lack of self-esteem. Therefore, I do not think we can speak of a generalized tendency that, in my opinion, oversimplifies things and can lead to blaming.
A low individual self-esteem affects the couple and can be the cause of maladaptive couple models, such as those in which one member is very demanding, putting too much weight on his or her partner, or on the contrary, very avoidant, generating a barrier when communicating and sharing intimacy with the other. It is always necessary to make an accurate assessment of each particular case and not to generalize.
Self-esteem helps us to choose how to bond with others without depending on the need to cover an unmet individual need. Therefore, a good self-esteem is a very valuable resource when it comes to knowing how you want to relate, understanding your limits and those of the other person and choosing what is best for both of you.
It may be thought that perfectionism and low self-esteem are practically poles apart, because being a perfectionist in what you do is associated with having ambition. However, in many cases this is not the case, and the need to do things right down to the last detail gives way to self-esteem problems. Does the way we compare ourselves with others play a big part in this?
Perfectionism and low self-esteem go hand in hand. Perfectionists strive to maintain inordinately high standards in all areas of their lives. Since perfection does not exist, constantly striving for it leads to great frustration and, consequently, low self-esteem.
Perfectionism is associated with a lack of confidence and security that generates constant comparisons between us and the rest, whose focus is on those qualities of others that we consider to be above our own, generating a permanent feeling of inferiority.
Nowadays, this problem and suffering increases with the use of social networks, in which everyone shows their best version, filtered and unrealistic, making the comparison with others start from a fiction rather than from reality, generating nonconformity with oneself and individual discomfort.
Perfectionism and lack of security increase irrational comparisons with others, something that affects our self-esteem and, consequently, our relationships.
You are an expert in Mindfulness, and this type of practices with therapeutic potential are based on the idea of acceptance. How does this mentality influence when it comes to building self-love?
Mindfulness is a practice that aims to cultivate the qualities of mind that allow us to pay attention to the present moment without judgment and develop an attitude of acceptance of things.
Psychological acceptance means building up the courage to be willing to experience whatever is happening here and now (emotions, thoughts, memories...) without changing it, obeying it or escaping from it, including the acceptance of who I am right now and how I perceive myself.
Bearing in mind that one of the most important pillars of self-esteem is the acceptance of oneself, working on the development of this attitude goes in the direction of the creation of a positive self-concept. Accepting oneself does not mean resigning oneself; it means not rejecting what we are, regardless of whether we like it or not, and putting strategies for the transformation of what we can change depending on ourselves.
The acceptance of oneself from the practice of Mindfulness entails the idea of compassion, which prepares us for change from a calmer, more conscious and self-loving perspective.
What can psychology do to help those who are unable to develop satisfactory relationships due, in part, to their lack of self-esteem?
Psychology studies how our way of acting, thinking and feeling is related, it helps us to explain how what we do, think and feel affects the evaluation we make of ourselves (self-esteem) and how this in turn is influencing our relationships. If we do not understand why this happens to us, it is very difficult to know where we have to intervene and influence in order to transform things.
Therefore, psychology becomes the instrument through which we can come to understand, at a deep level, where our lack of self-esteem comes from and how it is affecting our relationships with others.
From this understanding, psychology provides the necessary tools for the understanding and transformation of that which generates discomfort. That is, it not only helps us to find an explanation of why what happens to us happens to us, but also provides the tools we need, at an individual level, to learn to relate to ourselves and to the environment around us in a more positive way. For example, through the development of communication skills, empathy, listening and acceptance among others. This is essential for the cultivation of healthy relationships.
In conclusion, thanks to psychology we can unmask the mechanisms and processes that have led us to live from the lack of love towards ourselves, understand how this is affecting our relationships and develop skills that favor the development of more satisfactory relationships.
(Updated at Apr 15 / 2024)