Passive aggression: the silent enemy of relationships.

This is how passive aggression affects our relationships with others.

You, or someone you know, are probably going through difficult times when it comes to your personal relationships.

For example, many people have felt that their attitude was disqualified or rejected and at the same time they fail to understand what was really causing this problem.

A real case

Today we share with you the testimony of DominiqueDominique, 34 years old, who went for professional help a few years ago for a problem that is frequent but little talked about. Dominique is a professional with multiple occupations that allow her to maintain a balance between work, life, personal growth and leisure. She has been in a relationship for the last 6 years with Noa, with whom she has shared her space and free time for years.

Dominique considers that she has led a normal life, she expresses that from an early age she lived well; that although she grew up in a family that was not perfect due to the many arguments between her parents, these arguments did not prevent her from staying away from the conflict and dive into her fantasy, in those childhood games that allowed her to believe that everything was fine.

Today, as an adult, she enjoys what she considers a good quality of life and has achieved some of the goals she had longed for and set out to achieve.

However, lately Dominique feels that there are moments that are not allowing her to feel good, worries and problems that are keeping her awake at night. She considers that her inner peace is affected by attitudes that in her opinion are inappropriate on the part of Noa. She mentions that these attitudes are clearly marked by "incorrect" ways of communicating with that person. During the most recent 2 months there have been moments of difficulty caused by attitudes that generate distancing and miscommunication.

Faced with this problem, Dominique has suggested to Noa that she seek professional care; however, Noa seems to have found this offensive. The response Dominique received from Noa was: "You take care of yourself".

Dominique has decided to seek professional helpEven though she sees that Noa shows no interest in changing this situation, she does not want her plans and her life in general, including her professional life, to be affected by what is happening and which hurts her. In addition, she considers her communication with Noa to be an important part of the balance in her relationship life. Noa is the person with whom Dominique shares much of her free time.

If Dominique has sought professional help, it is because she cares about Noa as a person, but she has come to believe that there is no way to solve the problem and fears that everything could be lost.

The conflicts have escalated to situations where Dominique has a strong desire to walk away. She feels rejection and lack of interest in her well-being.

Sharing space with a person who does not seem to have the slightest interest in cohabiting a space in a harmonious and communicative way seems to Dominique as much as living with a stranger in her own home.

Faced with this situation, the professional who received Dominique's case began by asking some questions. Once she has identified the problem and the intense discomfort that the problem causes Dominique, our professional assesses and strives to help her. She can identify what is defined as "passive aggression" or passive-aggressive behavior in Noa. or passive-aggressive behavior in Noa.

She asks other questions to find out if Dominique has at any time assumed the same role as Noa; even if the conflict has escalated, if there are actions that complicate the solution for either of them: accusation, pointing or disqualification towards the attitude that each person shows within the relationship...

Problems due to passive aggression

What you have read is part of a relational bond that is not easy to detect but that affects relationships in millions of people all over the world. Only a therapist with years of preparation and professional practice can identify and channel in the best way this type of problems.

Let us identify some of the reasons that today are causing what we call "passive aggression".

In a relationship, when one of the partners has been denying his/her own desires, needs and interests, submitting to the decision of the other person almost every activity (such as hobbies, social events, schedules and specific days) in order to carry out what becomes activities within the relationship, sooner or later it manifests an effect that causes distancing and a feeling of discomfort in one of the people involved..

Every relationship requires a balance that allows its members to express their desires and needs. When a person within the relationship reaches the point of what has been termed "helplessness" (the inability to express or "stand up" for what is important to him or her beyond the wishes of the other person) such a relationship can drift over time into passive aggression as a result of one person not having his or her most important wants and needs met.

As individuals, we might be tempted to look for the "culprit" of this that is causing discomfort to both parties within this bond.

Fortunately, our therapist has conducted multiple processes over the years that allow her to intervene in a professional manner and, first of all, helps Dominique to rescue her well-being and inner peace. She helps her to avoid blaming herself for what is happening. Additionally, she asks Dominique if some small changes in her relationship with Noa can help both of them without Dominique putting her assertiveness at stake, incorporating the possibility that both people are willing to initiate that process whereby things improve in a special way.

We have known for decades that when in a relationship only one of the people goes to therapy, it is probable that the reason for which he/she went to therapy is solved; however, since there is no awareness on the part of the person who did not participate in the process, and since there has been no change in the relationship, it is not possible for the person who did not participate in the process to change, However, since there is no awareness on the part of the person who did not participate in the process, and since no change has taken place in one of the persons, in many occasions the relationship cannot be rescued..

Assertiveness as the basis of well-being and human relationships.

As we define it, assertiveness, which comes from Latin assertus ("to affirm"), can be interpreted as a need by which the person requires to affirm his or her expectations or desires, and which is practiced without hurting or disregarding the needs and desires of others.

What in this case had been happening with Noa, and which our therapist had to elucidate in order to find a solution to Dominique's discomfort, is a relationship of dependence in which there is a lack of assertiveness and, as a consequence, there is a and, as a consequence, there is an imbalance in the needs of one of the people in the relationship. However, in this situation it is not necessary to look for culprits.

If we analyze this case, we can conclude that Noa's attitude could have been labeled or disqualified, but if we attend to her discomfort or "her motives", even if they are not adequately expressed, we could be seeing, from her point of view, a "justified" attitude in which Noa could have thought that consideration was required for her problem.

Attitudes depend largely on the justification we have for assuming them depending on what we have learned works. In human communication, when something stops working, it becomes "dysfunctional" and the best opportunity to resolve it is by working on it taking into consideration all the people who are part of the system..

Looking for psychological support?

In each relationship and in each person, situations can be very diverse, and it is not correct to give the same answer to multifactorial problems of very different origins. Ask about the situation that affects you so that you can have a professional orientation from one of the therapists in our team.

With ENDI En Directo you have a multidisciplinary team at your service. Ask for the therapist that will help you to resolve communication situations without disqualifying or judging the attitude that is happening in your experience; all of them could be attended and resolved so that you can achieve your goals. Helping you to enjoy your life more and achieve more is part of our job.

Note: The people referred to in this article have given written authorization to mention their case, as well as the evolution of the same and the resolution of the problem addressed. In order to protect privacy and with the necessary reservations, the names of the persons who authorized the sharing of this testimony have been changed. In this way, current privacy protocols are respected..