Rebeca Carrasco: "We must distinguish perfectionism from self-demanding".

Psychologist Rebeca Carrasco talks about how to manage self-demand and perfectionism.

It is often said that to be skilled at something you just have to put effort and practice, and this is partly true. However, we must also bear in mind that by practicing and putting a lot of effort into something we are also "opening new fronts", tackling extra challenges, which we must know how to deal with psychologically. And having the ability to manage self-demand and perfectionism can be considered another of those talents to develop.

The person we interviewed here is an expert in managing the forms of emotional discomfort associated with perfectionism, self-demand and the way in which they are reflected in work habits. psychologist Rebeca Carrasco.

Interview with Rebeca Carrasco: the importance of managing perfectionism and self-demanding.

The psychologist Rebeca Carrasco is specialized in clinical and health psychology, and attends people of all ages in the area of Majadahonda, Las Rozas and Boadilla del Monte, as well as through online therapy. In this interview she talks to us about the psychological problems associated with perfectionism and self-demanding.

What are the most frequent forms in which self-demand is expressed in the adult population?

Nowadays self-demand is around every corner, and we can see it in an infinite number of ways. Some of the most visible forms are the following.

Firstly, in body image. There is an excessive preoccupation with having the perfect body, and even practices that are harmful to health.

Secondly, in academic or work performance: there is an obsession with results that are always focused on a goal and not on learning.

Also in social self-demanding: the person is obedient or submissive to what he/she believes others expect from him/her, which often triggers mental health problems.

How to distinguish a perfectionism that enhances the spirit of self-improvement and personal development, from another that is a source of anxiety problems?

It is important to distinguish perfectionism from self-demanding, although they are closely related. In perfectionism the expectations of achievement are high, one aspires to perfection. However, in self-demanding, perfection is not necessarily sought, but has more to do with a constant negative self-criticism, whether there is a goal or not.

There are two types of perfectionists: adaptive perfectionists and maladaptive perfectionists. While for adaptive perfectionists self-demand helps them to improve performance, maladaptive perfectionists always have the feeling of not reaching their standards, and even if there is a high performance or achievement, they always experience it as insufficient.

One way to distinguish them lies in the way these people talk to themselves. Adaptive self-criticism helps us to evaluate ourselves judiciously. That is, taking into account not only the inadequate behaviors but also the adequate ones, which will lead us to want to modify the inadequate behaviors and to reinforce our adequate behaviors in order to adapt to the environment and to have a more adjusted vision of ourselves.

However, maladaptive perfectionists may punish themselves for not achieving a goal. They feel so inadequate that they set very high goals believing that this will help them feel more satisfied, and they set goals that are sometimes impossible to meet.

People with maladaptive perfectionism have a tendency to make a global evaluation of themselves taking into account only failures. They belittle their abilities and their achievements, as they believe that this is to be expected and that it is not due to their abilities or their efforts. This will be a source of anxiety, as they are hypervigilant to the detection of mistakes or errors, and when this happens they trigger a very harsh self-criticism against themselves.

In addition, they evaluate themselves in a very negative way with respect to others, who are always better than them. This generates a lot of insecurity to face daily situations, and they are so afraid of making mistakes that they avoid participating in other situations or activities. All this becomes a vicious circle where by not participating their lives are impoverished, they do not grow, they feel unsatisfied and useless and all this generates a lot of insecurity that leads them back to maladaptive perfectionism.

Does the excess of perfectionism also tend to cause problems in couple relationships?

Of course, self-demand and excess of perfection can be taken to all areas and that includes the couple. A person who is a perfectionist will also expect his or her partner to be perfect, and it will be difficult for the partner to meet the perfectionist's high expectations. For example, the perfectionist may think that the partner is not as strong as he or she should be, or is not as heavy as he or she should be, or is not as "spry" as he or she would expect.

Have you noticed if there is also a tendency to try to get school-age sons and daughters to know as many things as possible as soon as possible?

Indeed, perfect parents expect perfect children. And this includes not only parenting but also expectations of the child: very high grades, tidy room, schedules etc.

All parents want the best for their children, but one thing is what we want and another thing is what we expect. Right now there is a tendency to expect a lot from children in the academic field, and to compare them with other children thinking more about what is expected of them than about their abilities.

It is important to know how far our children can go, what interests they have, what they feel more comfortable with, or if what we are demanding of them is realistic. Demanding too much from children is not good for their self-esteem because if we over-demand them they will also over-demand themselves, and this is very limiting because they end up being very insecure adults who will always think about meeting the expectations of others in order to feel accepted, so they will live to continually prove what they are worth.

To what extent does self-demand in the world of work have to do with constant competition in a world where more and more things are commoditized?

Competition does not necessarily have to be linked to self-demand, although they are sometimes related. Under self-demand usually lies a low self-esteem, while in people with a high level of competitiveness it doesn't have to be that way.

Self-demanding at work has more to do with not believing oneself to be good enough, with an unrealistic perception of one's own achievements. Self-demanding people are so hard on themselves that they even feel useless. That is why they need to perform so much at work that they even forget about other spheres of life. They are all the time demonstrating. They feel that others always do better than they do, so they often do not strive to be the best but to not look the worst.

What can be done in psychotherapy to help people with problems due to excessive perfectionism and self-demanding?

First we help to identify the patient's self-demand and the excessive expectations they have of themselves, and then we help them to establish more realistic expectations and a more flexible style. They are helped to be aware of their feelings of inadequacy and to create a more realistic self-image. All of this will help you to attenuate distress and anxiety. The intervention focuses on helping people not to value themselves only for their mistakes or failures, but to have a global and realistic vision of their capabilities, goals and achievements.