Rebellious teens: 6 tips and reflections for struggling parents

Adolescence is a difficult time and some parents don't know how to parent positively.

"How this child hurts me.". This is what a mother said to me during therapy, in relation to what she was experiencing in the face of her son's adolescence. And this is not an isolated case, we often hear the complaint of parents sometimes surprised, sometimes disillusioned and in most cases without knowing how to act in front of those who used to be their children and now are rebellious, rebellious, angry, questioning youngsters who challenge us, and sometimes even see us as the enemy..

Adolescence is a complicated stage and as parents it is normal that we can be a little overwhelmed. Even though we may have read about it, and despite our best efforts to inform ourselves, when the time comes for our child to become a teenager, we may suffer from anxiety about facing this new situation.

Rebellious teenagers: a guide for parents in distress

As a result of the workshops I have given to parents, I have been able to collect some concepts that I hope you will find useful. The focus is on what we can do, what is in our hands, not on complaining about their attitudes and trying to change them, which only brings frustration, since no one can change the other person overnight.

On the other hand, if I transform my attitudes and become more conscious, I am taking the first step. I clarify that this does not mean abandoning the limits and consequences that are necessary and would be the subject of another reflection.

Six tips to improve communication with teenage children

To try to provide useful tools to parents who have problems living with their teenager, I propose a series of points that will allow us to lay the foundations for better communication and interaction with them.

1. I disassociate my personal history from theirs

As parents, we must be able to disassociate our personal history from that of our teenager, disassociating what is ours from what is his, thus avoiding burdening them with a backpack of added pressure.. It is vital that we manage to understand him as he is and that we take responsibility for our own life, and let him go his own way. As parents we have to try to facilitate that the adolescent son develops his life with independence and living his own experiences. This will help them learn on their own and adapt better to the social environment. It is not necessary, therefore, that as parents we add anxiety or fears to our children.

2. I avoid comparing him/her with others

Another essential point. Our adolescent child has the right to follow his path in life according to his preferences and his own choices, and parents and parents must support and respect them so that they are able to successfully deal with their own experiences.. Labeling his personal preferences or comparing him with other people not only does not stimulate him to improve, but can be a heavy burden on his self-concept.

We must be able to make a constant effort to respect his way of being, even in the case that as parents we think that his attitude is not the most appropriate. Of course, this implies not wanting our child to look like someone else, constantly comparing him or her to that high school classmate who gets better grades, or any other reflection that may undermine his or her self-esteem.

3. I understand their socialization patterns

This is where our ability as parents to be flexible and positive comes in. As long as our child exhibits respectful and friendly behavior, we don't need to pressure him to socialize based on our standards or those of his immediate environment.. Parents who are constantly worried that their children will "let them down" in front of other people are simply acting within rigid, conventionalized parameters of socialization.

Showing our child that we care too much about what they think of us (through their attitude, to boot) is a way of conveying to them that we are ashamed of them. Fighting for him to act the way we want him to act will only cause the relationship to wear down and for the adolescent to fail to adapt freely to the social environment.

4. Beware of the idea that "he will achieve what I didn't".

Our personal expectations regarding what we want our teenager to be in the future can be very limiting for his personal development. We must understand what our true motivations are regarding our child's future, and from there decide how demanding we should be with him.

In any case, we must avoid placing the burden of our expectations and desires on him or her.. Our desires and reflections on what we have achieved in life or what we want to achieve are personal and non-transferable, and it is not right that we transfer these desires to our children. They must go their own way and strive for their goals.

5. Everyone must learn from their mistakes

Most parents are not able to recognize that we feel validated and qualified through our children. And, although it may be difficult to recognize it, it is the first step to understand many things and improve our relationship with them. If our child makes a mistake, he/she will have to assume the consequences.Even if it hurts us and we feel it is our duty to help them. We will always be there to give them the necessary support, but children need us to give them the necessary space to make these mistakes that will allow them to learn, to become aware of their responsibilities in life and to mature.

6. Emotions should not boycott me

Self-observation should be a fundamental pillar in our reflection on the attitudes and measures we take as parents. We must try to see beyond the tangible and identify our emotions and feelings. In this way, when we feel blocked or distressed, we can reflect and detect what we are feeling and how to manage that emotion, we will be able to reflect and detect what we are feeling, and how to manage that emotion..

Making self-observation a habit in our daily life is especially useful in the interaction with teenagers, especially to identify when we are put to the test and show an assertive and relaxed attitude, and therefore control the situation. In this way we will be able to act in the way we think is more accurate and necessary, and not from reactivity or anger.

In closing...

I hope that these small tips and reflections can be useful to understand the adolescence of our children as a necessary process for their development throughout their lives. a necessary process for their development at all levels. A process, that of adolescence, that we must accompany in an intelligent way.

We must understand that adolescents need to detach themselves from parental protection and begin to be independent in order to become, in the near future, responsible adults with their own goals in life.