Separation and its influence on children: what to do?

Several tips on how to help children adjust to separation.

Many children experience separation from their parents as emotionally very painful, even traumatic in extreme cases.even traumatic in extreme cases.

However, nobody is predestined to suffer a lot for months due to this; how we adapt to the situation influences a lot in how they are going to live that stage.

Why it is important to prepare children for the process of separation

The separation affects mainly the couple that ceases to exist as such, but that does not mean that its psychological impact is reduced to those two people. When young children are involved, it is also important to make the separation process as "healthy" as possible.The child's context of upbringing will change significantly, as will the way he or she relates to his or her parents.

This also has to do with the stage of psychological development they are in. During childhood and adolescence, it is easy for radical changes to generate a lot of anxiety and stress, and their coping skills are not as operative as those of the average adult. On the other hand, the family environment is the place where most children feel most secure, and separation is often interpreted as a violation of that space where one can relax and have one's space.

Therefore, although the fear of making a son or daughter suffer should not determine the decision of whether to separate or not (nor produce feelings of guilt in case of opting for the former), it is important to take steps to ensure that their transition to the new situation goes as smoothly as possible..

What to do? 5 tips to keep in mind

Keep these key ideas in mind when helping your son or daughter adjust to the separation situation.

1. Don't hide what is happening

Hiding what has happened is totally counterproductive; the separation is an important aspect that also affects him/her, and he/she needs to be able to understand it. needs to be able to understand it (according to his possibilities dictated by his age). Describe what happened without turning it into a plea for your point of view.

2. Listen and encourage him/her to express how he/she feels.

It's not all about telling him what has happened; his feelings about it are also valuable, and should be acknowledged, since the separation affects him too. Invite them to express themselves, to say what they think and how they feel, and listen without wanting to correct in the moment.Listen without wanting to correct in the moment.

3. Make sure he has not misunderstood

You may have many questions or misunderstandings about what is going on; after all, a separation involves many changes in your life, a separation involves many changes in your life, and the uncertainty of not knowing howThe uncertainty of not knowing how what is happening will play out in the future can lead you to make catastrophic predictions.

4. Respect your space

In the face of emotional distress, it is normal for your son or daughter to want to be alone more than usual.. Do not see this as something abnormal and do not insist on trying to keep him or her going about his or her normal life during those first few days. If you see that the situation starts to become chronic, lasting more than one or two weeks, talk about it to see how he or she feels and, if necessary, seek professional psychotherapeutic help.

5. Don't feed his search for blame

Especially during adolescence, children are prone to project their frustrations onto specific people, either themselves or someone in their environment. And in the context of a separation, it is even easier for this to happen, because less time is spent with one or both parents, and there is often tension or hostility between the adults.

However, when talking about what happened with your son or daughter, don't give in to the inertia of blaming the other person for what happened.. Not because if you feel that your point of view is not valid, but because if you do not describe the situation as objectively as possible, you will be putting the child in a situation where he or she may feel pressure to take a position in a conflict, adopting a "partisan" mentality that feeds hostility and perpetuates itself. Even if you are not of legal age, you have the right to interpret the facts based on information that is as unbiased as possible, since this separation will also be a fundamental part of your life trajectory.

6. To be on the safe side, turn to a psychologist.

In the psychological assistance sessions, it is possible to count with personalized advice from professionals with experience in dealing with behavioral and emotional management problems; this is useful both for yourself and for your family.This is useful both for yourself and to support your children who feel lost in the process of separation. In this way, you will be able to go beyond general advice and have guidelines adapted to your particular case.

Are you interested in psychological assistance in separation processes?

If you want to have professional psychological support in situations of separation or divorce, I invite you to get in touch with me..

I am a psychologist specializing in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model and I can help you through crisis situations both in terms of managing emotions as well as personal relationships and parenting strategies. You can count on my services in Madrid, and I also attend through online sessions by video call.

Bibliographical references:

• American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Arlington: American Psychiatric Publishing.
• Blasi, C.H.; Bjorklund, David F. (2003). Evolutionary Developmental Psychology: A New Tool for Better Understanding Human Ontogeny. Human Development. 46(5): 259 - 281.
• Mauldon, J. (1990) The Effect of Marital Disruption on Children's Health. Demography; 27(3): 431 - 446.
• Peterson, J.L. & Zill, Z. (1986). Marital disruption, parent-child relationships and behaviour problems in children. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 48, 295-307.
• Sylvers, P.; Lilienfeld, S.O.; LaPrairie, J.L. (2011). Differences between trait fear and trait anxiety: implications for psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review. 31(1): pp. 122 - 137.