Sexual abuse in childhood: when we were dead.

A reflection on child abuse and the way it is experienced by the victim.

This article is intended to be the beginning of a series of reflections on this scourge that plagues us and at the same time a tribute and dignity for all those who have suffered in their flesh the pain, confusion and silence that surrounds this phenomenon so abundant in our society, as unknown.

Indeed, it is estimated that it is estimated that one in five boys or girls (much more common in girls) has been sexually abused as a child, with intrafamilial abuse clearly predominating.clearly predominating the intrafamilial abuse. According to data from the ANAR foundation, the father figure still predominates among the aggressors, with the number of cases where the aggressor is the male parent reaching 32%.

We reiterate that we do not want to refer to theoretical studies on causes and consequences of sexual abuse in childhood, but we want to put ourselves in the role of the victim and reflect from their own skin. This series of articles is the result of years of therapy with abused people of all ages and wants to give voice and feeling to their experience and suffering.

That is why we will begin by reflecting on what I call "the fog", inspired by the title of the book by Joan Montané and collaborators, "Cuando estuvimos muertos" (When we were dead). Like so many other mistreatments suffered in childhood, the victim remembers what happened in a very different way, the victim remembers what happened in a confused, foggy way or does not remember directly..

The "fog" in the face of child abuse

The first act of respect with a person who has experienced sexual abuse in childhood is to understand that the first person who does not understand or comprehend is the victim herself. And that "adult" and brainy phrases such as, "even she is not sure what happened!", "why didn't she tell it before?", "children make up a lot of things!"... are the definitive slab in the psychological and moral coffin in which the abused person lives.

The first person who doubts, who blames himself for not having defended himself, for not having told, is the victim himself.. The memory, if there is one, I repeat, is hazy, where many times only the sensation is remembered, not so much the facts, and many times, simply, nothing is remembered.

As with other types of trauma, the person can and does forget the abuse. The brain, through an effective defense system, "dissociates", "disconnects" from what happened in different ways.

On many occasions, they may remember the smell, the atmosphere, or the sounds of when the abuse occurred and be unable to remember the images of the abuse, or conversely, be able to recognize the feelings experienced at that time, but not the exact events that provoked them. We can also find cases where there is a clear memory of telling someone close to the child what the abuser did to him/her, and yet not having any direct memory of living with the abuser.

The child's brain switches off to avoid the pain.. In the face of prolonged helplessness, the dorsal vagus system is activated, which sets in motion the process of immobilization, of freezing, leading to an experience where the behavior is dissociated from the emotion. This dissociative mechanism allows to continue surviving in contact with the abuser.

The child, depending on the age, with greater or lesser intensity and with greater or lesser confusion, is born to sexual, genital activation at an age when he or she is either not biologically developed enough or is not fully aware of what is happening. Let us keep in mind that the abuser is, almost always, a figure of ascendancy, often affective, for the child.

The problematic management of discomfort

Affection, bonding, attachment, sexual activation, sensory overflow... everything is intertwined, all this is very difficult to organize, and even more so when it does not seem to happen and nobody talks about it.

This person, the abuser, is supposedly protective and in reality believes he or she loves the child.Therefore, it is understandable that the child does not want to lose that affection, that attachment, that bond; so that what happens "is not bad" although there are times when the victim may feel it as bad. Or, to put it another way, if it is something bad, not appropriate, it is not possible that the "bad" or "terrible" one is the adult figure. That is, the only plausible explanation for the child's mind is that the "bad" or "the one who provokes that badness" is himself.

In our extensive experience, in the absolute majority of cases of child abuse, the victim, when he/she begins to glimpse the experience, perceives him/herself as guilty, as responsible for the abuse..

To this we have to add the often disappointing responses of the mother, father or grandfather when the child tells what a member of the same family or an affectionate close relative does to him or her. It is usually neglected, the message received is ignored, the crime heard is forgotten. Either because it is intolerable to assume the Pain of the child, to look at oneself and assume the lack of vision or because the good of the family institution predominates, and finally, one resorts to "childish things", "it is impossible"... with which the victim internalizes the fact that telling what is happening endangers the family structure or destroys some family member of the close social environment.

M. J. Horowitz goes so far as to state that one of the reasons for the unconscious forgetting of abuse memories has to do with nothing less than the "preservation of the love of others", either of the person being told or of the person perpetrating the abuse.

Let us imagine the "mist" of confusion in which the child lives and which will be prolonged by adding magical, dysfunctional and always nullifying and undermining explanations. and always nullifying and undervaluing explanations for the rest of his or her life. We will continue reflecting on this issue in future articles.

Author: Javier Elcarte, psychologist specialized in trauma. Founder and director of Vitaliza.