The 13 rules of communication in the couple

Several basic rules to maintain a good communication style in our couple relationships.

One of the most demanded services in Mariva Psicólogos is the couple therapy, being the basis of this the communication.

In our day-to-day relationships, not all communication is adequate, and just encouraging it is usually not enough: it is not only a question of quantity, but also of quality. To achieve this communicative quality in our love life it is often necessary to work in therapy, since it can be difficult for the couple to detect exactly what is going wrong and what can be done to understand each other better and argue less.

Nevertheless, there are some basic "rules" of communication that, beyond the couple's therapy, can serve as a basis for fostering a good understanding.. Let's see what they are.

The main rules for good communication in the couple.

Following these communication guidelines can help make life as a couple easier and prevent the bond of love from weakening.

1. Talk about the issue at hand

Try not to "mix" different topics, especially in arguments. This may cause us not to resolve the issue we wanted to talk about, and the conversation may drag on without reaching a "good conclusion".

It is also not advisable to go to the other extreme and be too insistent on something.. If it has already been discussed and the problem has been solved or, simply, you come to the conclusion that you have two different points of view, it is not necessary or useful to reiterate and bring up the subject on many occasions.

2. Use positive and realistic language

When talking about the other person's behavior, let's try to avoid terms such as: "nothing", "always", "never", "everything"... and phrases such as: "you're always the same", "you do everything wrong", etc. Besides being quite painful, it is very likely that they do not show the reality and that you are not being objective. and that you are not being objective. In short, do not generalize.

3. Respect

Of course, do not disrespect (do not insult or shout, control your non-verbal language...). Think about what it would hurt you if your partner did it, it is the basis of communication.

This point is essential and, if it fails, it is very difficult for us to fulfill the rest of aspects or that the relationship can be worked on.

4. Have a positive attitude

In addition to positive language, it is important to have a positive attitude.. A pessimistic and defeated attitude is not the best way to look for solutions if there is a problem.

5. Emphasize the good

Try to praise what you like about your partner.. If we only tell each other the negative aspects, we are not being realistic and we can encourage irritability and defensiveness in the other person.

6. Practice active listening

Let the other person speak and, above all, listen to him/her and try to empathize, listen to them and try to empathize and understand them..

7. Do not leave anything unsaid

If you speak too little and do not express yourself, it is difficult for them to understand you.

8. Opt for clarity

Try to express yourself clearly. Avoid "I say this but I mean something else", or "I say yes but I hope my partner understands that I don't". Unless your partner is a fortune teller, it will be difficult for him/her to understand what you mean.

9. Do not take for granted what the other person thinks or wants.

We do not guess the thought, we must believe what our partner tells us. For example: if we are told "I would like to accompany you", we should not interpret "I'm sure you don't want to". we should not interpret it as "I'm sure he doesn't want to".

10. Maintain order in the conversation

Try not to interrupt and respect turns of speech.. If you interrupt, you do not allow the person to express him/herself, you do not listen to him/her properly....

11. Do not fall into labels

Do not label. It is not the same to say "you left your shoes out" as "you are a disaster and always leave everything in the middle". Here we make the mistake of generalizing (see rule 2) and labeling as a disaster a person who may just be absent-minded with shoes.

12. Express motivations

To ask for behavioral changes, be concrete and express how you feel and what you want to achieve. express how you feel and what you want to achieve. For example: "When you leave your shoes outside, I get nervous and I would like you to remember to put them in the shoe rack. Let's take another example: "I would like you to let me know if you are going to arrive later than twelve o'clock, when you don't, I get worried, is that okay with you?

13. Avoid ereproaches

If we receive a criticism or we are asked to change our behavior, it is important not to fall into the "and you more", "I have done this but you also did that"..... It is a defensive attitude that does not allow us to see why our behavior is annoying..

We must assess if we can and want to change it, explain why we do it, etc. But the purpose should not be to "fight" against the other and see who makes more mistakes, that could be an eternal and destructive conversation.

By way of conclusion

We know that the tricky part is to put it into practice, but we hope these tips have been useful to you. Try to practice them in your daily life and do not hesitate to go to couples therapy if you think your relationship can improve in terms of communication or in any other area. Your therapist will guide you through the process and it will be much easier than trying to improve it without this help.