The 3 keys to distinguish between emotional dependence and love

Key ideas to understand the differences between love and emotional dependence.

Love is a facet of human existence that is as important as it is, unfortunately, distorted through myths and exaggerations.

This means that, for many people, falling in love or living as a couple implies a series of totally dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors that often not only harm the person who internalizes them but also harm others. In some cases, people go to the extreme of assuming that love is synonymous with emotional dependence, which generates basic problems in any love relationship applied to life as a couple.

In this article we will see which are the key ideas to be clear about the difference between love and emotional dependence, and why it is essential not to mix love and emotional dependence.and why it is essential not to mix both concepts.

What does it consist of to feel love?

Love is an experience that involves both behavioral patterns and cultural elements, as well as innate Biological mechanisms that make us have an interest in bonding with others.

Although each historical moment and culture privileges some forms of love over others (until not so long ago, what we understand today as romantic love practically did not exist), all forms of couple love share the same characteristics, all forms of couple love share certain characteristics, which have to do with the following.These have to do with the following:

• In feeling love, we seek to achieve a certain level of commitment: sacrificing aspects of our individuality in order to live together with that person and create plans for the future.
• Love evolves, being emotionally very intense at the beginning (to maximize the chances of getting to know the other person better and connecting emotionally) and stabilizing over time.
• Love has a strong emotional component, it is not based on a simple selection of potential partners taking into account objective criteria.
• The love of a partner usually has to do with sexual desire, due to the biological mechanisms on which it rests as a neurobiological phenomenon. But in some cases it can occur without sexual interest.

How to distinguish between love and emotional dependence?

As we have seen, for love not to give rise to problems, it must be applied to a relationship in which there is a certain commitment.. However, this commitment and the way in which we experience it (as it is subject to a great emotional charge) is far from giving rise to a situation of dependence. Let us see why.

1. Love gives rise to relationships that tend to symmetry.

Love as a couple has to do with dialogue and the search for consensus on how to live together, creating a life project in which the aspirations of both people are compatible. That is why, by its very nature, requited love tends to give rise to symmetry; neither person has a position of clear power over the other, in any case the abilities of both complement each other.

On the other hand, in emotional dependence this symmetry does not exist.There is someone who depends on the other, and there is someone who acts in consequence of his or her role as a privileged party.

That is why even if the non-dependent person lacks the will to harm the other, the relationship tends to become toxic very quickly; not because of their personality or aspirations, but because of the dynamics of interaction and decision making that are established between the two. The problem goes beyond the individuals, it has to do with how they relate.

2. Love is not based on fear, dependence is.

Love has to do with the pleasure of being in the company of another person and the security offered by the expectation of having them with us in our lives.In fact, it is this peace of mind of knowing that we can count on the other person that is one of the main sources of motivation that leads people to have a partner.

However, emotional dependence is not positively oriented.In this case, the main thing is to know how to manage the fear that the other person will leave us, lose interest in us or find a better life project with someone else. Thus, almost all the actions carried out seeking the validation of the boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife, are done while being defensive, in the face of those catastrophic predictions about what could happen if that person stops having incentives to be by our side.

So, if love has to do with being actively involved in a couple's relationship, emotional dependence is based on a reactive role, letting the circumstances lead us to the other person's side.Letting circumstances drag us along.

3. Dependence has an obsessive component

During the phase of falling in love, many people develop something similar to obsessive thoughts; tend to think constantly about the person for whom one is strongly attracted, to take care to give a good image in front of him/her, etc. However, this phenomenon has to do with the lack of information and habit of being in front of that person; as one has idealized him or her, one tends to adopt a very meticulous perspective of how one should behave and how these first interactions should be managed.

But infatuation is relatively short-lived, a few months. As love matures and consolidates, becoming more emotionally stable, it loses that aspect of introspection and becomes oriented not so much to one's thoughts and fantasies, but rather to the desire to support the other person in a spontaneous and barely meditated way, to really get to know their values, their concerns, their worries and vulnerabilities, etc.

On the other hand, emotional dependence retains its obsessive character indefinitely; moreover, as we have seen, it is based on the fear of abandonment, and that makes that as time passes these obsessions can become even more intense.

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At Healthy Center we have been attending patients not only in the field of health and nutrition, but also in the field of psychology, helping people to develop a better management of their emotions and communication skills. We offer face-to-face sessions and also online therapy by video call.