The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse of love in a relationship

These are factors that, if they are very present in a couple's relationship, seriously damage it.

Traditionally, the couple relationship is presented to us as a strictly emotional issue, where what we know popularly as love invades us at a certain moment in a very intense way, and leads us to feel that we are in love. This feeling, maintained over time, will lead us to love and be loved regardless of other variables.

This relational model sustained by culturizing agents, such as novels, television series, movies, popular songs and others, transmit and reinforce the process that a couple relationship based on romantic love is supposed to follow. From this model certain myths and beliefs arise that contribute to the way a romantic relationship develops.. Here we will talk about how these beliefs about love can help trigger what some psychologists call "the horsemen of the love apocalypse".

Common beliefs about romantic love

These are the main ideas that guide our way of understanding and interpreting romantic love relationships based on romantic love:

• The better half: the belief that we are predestined to love a certain person.
• Exclusivity: the idea that we can only love one person at a time.
• Sociocultural beliefs: the belief that one must marry and have children.
• The omnipotent power of love: the belief that ''love can do anything'' and ''as long as we love each other there is hope''.
• Jealousy: thoughts such as ''if I am not jealous of my partner, I am not really in love''.

These myths and many more are inadequate beliefs that become direct mediators in the become direct mediators when it comes to maintaining a relationship..

The reality is that relationships are somewhat more complex and, sometimes, that love to which we clung to before everything else fades without us understanding why. Normally, society does not does not reflect the love based on respect for the individuality of the other, on the knowledge and real acceptance of the other, on mutual enrichment and the ability to solve problems. Although, paradoxically, studies show that couples who have relationships that take these variables into account are more durable.

It is essential to develop a common way of life that makes both parties happy and, therefore, it is important to know the different problems that may arise in the relationship, it is important to know the different problems that can arise and the factors that predispose to them in order to avoid them..

The 4 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse

John and Julie Gottman are a couple of researchers who are dedicated to studying couples and analyzing their relationships through direct observations and physiological records in their "Love Lab", where they have evaluated more than 3,000 couples.

As a result of the results of these studies, they have reached very interesting conclusions for relationships. They have found four key factors that directly influence the couple and have called them "The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse". They are several potential problems that can kill love, which refer to four crucial errorsin this case related to communication.

First horseman: criticism

You can have complaints about your partner, especially if it is the person you live with. But when complaints become criticisms, we are creating a problem. The complaints are punctual manifestations on a concrete fact. But a criticism is a global and long-lasting attitude and directly attacks the personality of the partner..

A complaint is: "Yesterday you didn't clean the kitchen when you said you would do it". In contrast, a criticism would be, "You're irresponsible, that's why I always have to clean the kitchen when it's your turn."

Criticism is not the couple's biggest problem, in fact it is very common among couples. The difficulty is created because criticism paves the way for the other riders..

Second horseman: contempt

Sarcasm, insults, mockery, ridicule...They are all signs of contempt and are good predictors of the failure of a relationship. are good predictors of the failure of a relationship. Contempt is exacerbated by long-held negative thoughts about the partner. These negative thoughts are more likely to occur when differences are not resolved. An example is: "The lady thinks she has to have everything done for her, of course, she is a princess; she doesn't realize how inconsiderate she is and that the rest of us are not her servants".

Belligerence is a cousin of contempt and equally lethal for a relationship.. It is a form of aggressive anger because it contains a threat or provocation. When one partner reproaches the other and the other replies, "What are you going to do, report me?", it is a belligerent response.

Third horseman: defensiveness

Although sometimes, depending on the situation, it is understandable for one party to defend himself or herself, it rarely achieves the desired effect. The aggressive party usually does not give in or ask for forgiveness.. This is because defensiveness is actually perceived as a form of attack. The partner perceives that he or she is being blamed.

Example: "You didn't clean the kitchen when it was your turn"; "I don't always have time to clean because I have to be making dinner by the time you arrive" (defensive attitude).

Fourth horseman: The avoidant attitude

In couples where the previous three horsemen are present, it is most likely that after a while one of the two parties will end up distancing themselves from the other.. When one party criticizes his or her partner, the other party may hide behind the cell phone or end up leaving.

You are being evasive and, even if you are avoiding an argument in the moment, you are making the situation worse in the long run. This behavior usually comes when the other three horsemen have already settled down, out of exhaustion.

This attitude is very much related to feeling overwhelmed. When a person feels this way, he/she thinks that he/she is helpless against the aggression he/she suffers and ends up adopting measures of fight (defensive attitude) or flight (evasive attitude).. All the person thinks about is protecting himself or herself, so after burnout, he or she distances himself or herself emotionally from the relationship.

The fact that a person habitually feels overwhelmed leads to breakup for two reasons. First, it indicates that one party feels severely emotionally strained when dealing with his or her partner. Secondly, the physical sensations caused by this emotion (significant acceleration of the heart rate, sweating, increased Blood pressure, adrenaline secretion, etc.) make a fruitful discussion impossible.

Is the breakup inevitable?

The appearance of any of the horsemen within a relationship does not predict a breakup. In fact, some of the horsemen have been observed at some point in time within stable marriages. But when all four appear consistently, it means that the relationship is in serious trouble.

It is therefore essential to develop alternative skills in communication and specifically in the couple to ensure a stable future.and in particular within the couple to ensure a stable future for the couple.

In a next article we will see some solutions and possible tools to deal with each of these horsemen when they appear in the framework of a couple relationship.