The 5 keys to assertiveness in relationships with friends

Tips and recommendations to apply assertiveness when communicating with your friends.

Assertiveness can be used and enhanced in practically any facet of our social life, adapting it to our way of communicating with each person or group, and to the place where we usually interact with those people.

In this article we are going to put the focus on assertiveness applied to friendship relationships, seeing why it is necessary and what it is needed.We are going to see why it is necessary and what we can do to benefit from it.

Why is assertiveness important in friendship relationships?

Friendships allow us to establish networks of mutual support, affection and love that provide us with much of what allows us to enjoy life, both emotionally (the possibility of finding comfort in difficult moments, of enjoying unrepeatable moments of leisure) and materially (access to more knowledge, possible jobs, etc.).

It is not for nothing that friends are referred to as "the family of choice", to the point that in some countries they are considered "the family of choice".to the point that in some cases of people suffering from complicated domestic situations, they connect better with their friends than with their relatives.

However, the simple fact of having a group of people we call friends does not in itself make these relationships perfect, far from it.far from it. Sometimes, behind the facade of a friendship can hide totally toxic dynamics based on dependency, humiliation, etc. And even in much less extreme cases, a bond of friendship can have its lights and shadows. As social beings we are complex and nuanced, and so are the relationships we maintain.

That is why many people develop assertiveness problems with friends. Some problems that can arise when this happens are the following examples:

• Others assume they can be late when meeting us.
• They assume they can joke about our appearance beyond what makes us feel comfortable.
• They talk to each other in a language we don't understand even though we tell them we would like to understand the conversation and participate in it.
• They assume they can come into our home to visit whenever they want.

In situations like this, it may even be that the term "friendship" is used as a moral alibi to try to make all kinds of behaviors to try to ensure that all kinds of unwanted behavior must be tolerated.

However, we have the ability both to choose and manage the friendships we want to maintain, and to "educate" our friends in the way they should treat us. And this is achieved by beginning to apply assertiveness in our dealings with them, slowly but surely.. That is to say, expressing those ideas that represent our interests and our way of thinking, and that you see important enough to determine that they should be respected or at least really taken into account.

The 5 keys to developing assertiveness in front of friends.

Here are some tips and tips and strategies that can help you develop a more assertive communication style when dealing with friends..

Keep in mind that all of these key ideas must be adapted to each particular case, and that the context in which you interact with a person or group of people greatly influences how the communicative exchange takes place (for example, it can change the meaning of words depending on where you speak).

1. Do not adopt a defensive posture, just let them know what you think.

Express your opinions and what you are interested in, but do not assume that your don't assume that your interlocutor is going to adopt a hostile attitude when you listen to him or her..

It is one thing to imagine that he or she may not like to hear what we say, but it is another to facilitate a confrontation by taking the first step towards a discussion, either by the tone of our voice, our gestures, the way we formulate sentences... It is best to assume that, as a friend, that person will respect our decisions and points of view.

2. Criticize the actions, not the person

It will be much easier for you to be assertive with your friends if, when you criticize what they do, you focus on those specific behaviors. if when criticizing what they do, you focus on those specific behaviors, instead of referring to the person.instead of referring to "the way they are" or their identity. That is, if you would like them to correct something, talk about the verbs, not the adjectives.

3. If you see that a criticism can cause harm, accompany it with something positive.

As friends, we care about the emotions of others; we need to empathize. Therefore, accompany your harshest criticisms with something positive, accompany your harshest criticism with ideas that show that you also see the positive in the person being criticized, and/or offer possible alternatives to what you would like to see changed. to what you would like to change, giving examples of what you can do to ensure that both your interests and those of the person being criticized are respected.

4. If your temper has flared up, leave the detailed explanations for another time.

If something your friend has done has made you very angry and you do not feel able to maintain a constructive dialogue, it is advisable to make your emotional state clear at that moment, but not to go into further details, it is advisable to make clear your emotional state at that moment, but do not go into further details.Express yourself in a more nuanced way right after, when you have calmed down. But don't let too many hours go by or you run the risk of giving up on expressing your point of view.

5. If the situation overwhelms you, go to a psychologist.

With the help of a professional psychologist you will be able to better manage your emotions and learn essential social and communication skills. skills.

Do you want to have professional psychological support?

If you are interested in having psychological assistance, please contact me.

I am a psychologist with many years of experience in the care of individuals and companies, and I specialize in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model. I offer face-to-face sessions (in my office in Madrid) and also in the online modality by video call.