The 5 keys to self-esteem

A reflection on the elements involved in the formation of self-esteem.

Do you think that the cause of your problems is a lack of self-esteem? Maybe you are one of those who think that your relationship is going badly and you let yourself be trampled on because you don't have enough self-esteem and lack self-esteem; or that if you were a more confident person and loved yourself more, better things would happen to you and you would be more popular; or that if you were not crushed by your feeling of inferiority you could have a better job.

Self-esteem is a concept you hear about everywhere, and not exactly from professionals: from magazines, radio programs, influencers, self-help manuals, friends' conversations, in the family.... It is so popular that it seems to be one of the main keys to well-being. But talking so much about self-esteem and doing it so lightly, it tends to trivialize the concept of self-esteem.The same can happen when information is decontextualized and a mantra is formed from a specific aspect, as sometimes happens with the idea of "loving oneself", which has become the central motif around which many people's lives revolve.

The keys to understanding how self-esteem works.

Many proposals circulate to improve the perception we have of ourselves, and the truth is that when one proposes it is not difficult to find positive traits that describe us. But... what happens? Putting all our effort into these exercises to gain self-esteem does not guarantee either satisfaction or success..

It is not just about self-perception, nor is it about changing negative thoughts into positive ones, nor is it about basing our whole life on self-care. Self-esteem is not a simple concept, and is linked to many other aspects. Locating the focus of discomfort on the lack of self-esteem diverts attention from other more crucial issues that could help us understand what are the real difficulties that are preventing us from feeling good. and that could make us understand what are the real difficulties that are preventing us from feeling good.

If you think you have low self-esteem, I invite you to read on. The bet of psychoanalysis is not aimed at strengthening the image we have of ourselves, but to listen to the subject, because the answers we are looking for about who we are must be sought elsewhere.

1. Start by knowing your history

In order to begin to constitute ourselves as persons, we are forged through different identifications.. Identifications that we have adopted from things we have been told, from things we have heard, from things that are the result of our interpretation. Other times we identify ourselves with the place we are "given" in the family and that we adopt: the smart one, the responsible one, the strong one? Or even negative: the fool, the lazy one, the weird one.

Discomfort comes when a distance is created between what others say about us and what we really are..... This generates insecurity, discomfort, lack of self-esteem and self-respect.

In a therapeutic process one comes to discover which identifications are not working for him/her and which things do describe him/her and suit him/her well. There is no ultimate identity that responds to the essence of who you are. One can let go of identifications and drop them, and identify oneself to other things.

2. Eliminate comparison from your life

Most people compare ourselves, and not exactly to rejoice in the goodness of differences and enjoy each other's cool point. No. It is a comparison in which we lose ourselves and in which we almost always assume that the other person is better..

Faced with this pernicious practice, one is left with less: I am worse, I am worthless, I am not enough... why do we compare ourselves? Why do we compare ourselves, and why do we swallow the bait that the other is more and better?

On the one hand, we are reassured that there is someone who is happy and satisfied forever. That is why we tend to assume that the other is an ideal self. The problem is that in the face of ideals one is miserable and passions and rivalries come into play.

And on the other hand we need someone to tell us how things are done.So as long as we assume that people are better, we believe that they do have the keys; someone could tell us how things are done, give us that security that we like so much. But there really is no such guarantee. There is only the option of taking a gamble. Today it becomes unbearable to choose what is right or wrong, what is ethical or unethical in the face of my desire; to choose is to be alone.

3. Seek to put your energy outside of yourself

It is common to hear how people postpone appointments: to look for work, to start hobbies, for another time when they are better... What if I told you that it's just the other way around? What if we bet on love first? Understanding love as an interest for people, studies, work... love for everything, for life in general.

Far from promoting individualism, self-image, self-help, tending to ego-strengthening, psychoanalysis bets on love. Taking the path of love allows one to live with less discomfort, because having all or almost all one's interest in oneself has the disadvantage that it entails a lot of agitation, and this is lived with discomfort, it is very intense and distressing.

In his text "Introduction to Narcissism" of 1914, Freud pointed out:

• "The stagnation of the libido in the ego is to be felt as dysplacent".
• "The soul life is forced to cross the borders of narcissism and to invest external objects with libido".
• "Intense egoism protects against illness; but, after all, we must begin to love in order not to become ill."

I love this last statement of Freud's. It gives us the key to feeling good. If what you are looking for is more self-esteem, what relationships, projects... do you have your energy focused on? We are what we are interested in. But we must be careful, because it seems that love (in its broadest sense) and love for oneself are mutually exclusive. Neither everything for others, nor everything for oneself.

4. In you there is also something working against you.

Surely there are days when you feel good about yourself and feel self-esteem, and other days without much explanation you feel insufficient or insecure (aspects related to self-esteem).

In our daily life we can see how many times we act against what we want.. It is necessary to be aware and to know the ways in which each one of us puts ourselves in our own way. We believe that we are masters of everything we do and say, but we have all experienced that there are times when something stronger than ourselves pushes us to act against ourselves. The enemy is not outside, we have it built in.

5. The premise "if you want to, you can" is false.

Sometimes the feeling of inferiority is based on the premise that we can do anything and that if you set your mind to it, anything is possible.. This, more than a lack of self-esteem, is an excess of esteem. To start from that premise is to believe that we are omnipotent, and that is a delirium of the ego that will be easily affected by any contingency.

It is convenient to assess what things are possible, and what things are not under our control and are impossible. Thus it will be easier to get rid of the feeling of helplessness, inability.

It is worth taking the time to know the ins and outs of self-esteem and all the substance it has. And it is good to know and to know, but for something to be transformed it is not enough to accumulate information, it is necessary to make the experience of the unconscious. In this sense, analytical work is very enriching, because it allows us to detect and question the axioms with which we function and interpret the facts, and the filter of misinterpretations brings new values. It also allows us to locate the "enemy" and take charge of what this implies, without blaming others and without self-reproach. In addition, it allows to clarify and establish what is possible and what is of the order of the impossible, automatically relieving the feeling of inability and uselessness.

This gives a tranquility and an energy that is not based on strengthening the self or the image. You have to be willing, willing to confront yourself, make decisions, be surprised and laugh at how you do certain things. All this is achieved by talking.