The Decalogue of the happy couple

What are the fundamental keys to a positive romantic relationship?

There is a decalogue of the happy couple that is used in some circles. The following exercise is an adaptation of others I have seen in different places. Over time I have found it to be a good tool for evaluating aspects of a couple's relationship.

How is it done?

First, I usually do it with both partners present, and I explain that it is teamwork. I like to say this because it also allows me to observe how they behave when they know they have to work as a team.. It is interesting and gives a lot of play. Everyone has to have a piece of paper and a pen to write on.

I make it clear to them that the idea is for them to find the 10 aspects that make a couple happy. It is clear that we have to stick to a number, and that is why there are 10. But it can be said that these 10 encompass all those aspects that studies show couples value in their relationship and make them happier in their relationship and in their day-to-day life. and makes them happier in their relationship and in their day-to-day life.

Obviously, some find it more difficult and others less, and there are some aspects that most of them find it difficult to specify, or even contemplate as part of the couple's happiness. It is interesting for this reason, too. In general, they tend to agree with the criteria and recognize the value of these aspects.

This would be the first part, and the second involves individual work.

Before explaining the second part, I present the list of the Decalogue.

The ten points of the Decalogue

In consultation I have each aspect written on a card, and as soon as the patients get to that aspect, they describe it in one way or another, and I discard that card... We may talk a lot about it, and we continue looking for other aspects... And so on, until we get to the ten points of the exercise. Sometimes I have to help them quite a bit, and sometimes hardly at all, or not at all. I usually give positive reinforcement for them step by step.

Sometimes, to make the exercise easier, I give them one or two aspects to open their mouth, and so that the exercise doesn't take so long.

The ones I give as examples are usually:

• Respect.
• Communication

Then, I may say, "Now we only need eight, which ones can you think of?" And we continue with the list of the Decalogue...

• Sharing hobbies.
• Sincerity / trust.
• Mutual support.
• Individual Project / Common Project... (one patient said: "space, but also sharing..."). It was an older couple... and that was their way of understanding it and claiming their space).
• Sexual satisfaction... (Many say "sex", but having sex is not enough to be happy, it has to be satisfying).
• Complicity / Empathy... (the term "empathy", and its concept, is now beginning to be better known at a popular level).

The last two are the ones that seem to be less obvious in consultation.

• Sense of humor.
• Admiration.

With regard to admiration, the following should be clarified. In couple therapy, infatuation is not very helpful; in some cases it can be a real problem.. We do not consider it as something positive or necessary in the couple's relationship. Nor do we look down on it cheerfully or gratuitously, not at all.

On the other hand, admiration is fundamental to guarantee a good future in the couple's relationship, even when there are major problems.

The final part: evaluation

The next part of the exercise is shorter and I ask them to work individually. I give each of them a pen of a different exotic color and then ask them to rate the couple, as a team, from 0 to 10, the score they get on each of the named aspects. Have them remember that the two of them are evaluated as a whole...and write the score next to that aspect. I give them some time to think and put down their marks. If they have a hard time understanding, I give them an exaggerated example to help them understand.

I ask them once they finish putting their notes down to pass me their sheets of paper. I take a look at their lists and evaluations, and give them back their partner's so they can see how they evaluate the whole. From this point, we go through all their scores together and explore each aspect in relation to them. This provides us with a good basis for couples therapy..

The Decalogue of the Happy Couple is only a tool, and it will depend on practice and other variables to get enough out of it that its execution may take a series of sessions. However, it is very it is very useful because it allows to deploy many other strategies and to evaluate the state of the problem..

The fact that the members of the couple can evaluate their relationship as a whole is very helpful, and the way they approach this activity gives us a lot of information and allows the couple to be aware of the state of their relationship in each of these aspects.

In some cases, it helps the couple to begin to separate. In many others, to work on the most vulnerable areas. It offers endless possibilities, so I use this exercise frequently.