The keys to psychologically manage an adoption

Several ideas to keep in mind about the psychological phases you go through with adoption.

In adoption, as in all transcendental decisions in life, it is important to prepare oneself both legally and emotionally.

The adoption, from the legal point of view, is constituted by judicial resolution, seeks the interest of the minor, entails the attainment of the right to the parental authority and determines the disappearance of the legal bonds between the adoptee and the Biological family. From the emotional point of view, it means welcoming as a child, with all the rights and obligations, a child coming from a different environment, with a different culture and customs, with a different culture and customs.with a culture and customs different from our own.

Adoption generates, on the one hand, new emotional ties and, on the other hand, the development of new roles and functions on the part of the parents and on the part of the child. This article aims to offer some recommendations to facilitate reflection on the meaning of adoption and preparation for the arrival of the child in the family..

Key ideas to psychologically manage an adoption process

In the instant that a desire to adopt takes root, what takes shape is the history of a rapprochement between different people who have feelings and moods derived from their personal history and experiences.

Adoption is a long road of learning and management of emotions, both for the child who joins a family, as well as for the adults who are starting to take on the role of who begin to take on the role of parents of a "little person" who carries a burden that they are often unaware of.

This path requires that the future parents have knowledge of their own feelings, of the couple's feelings, of the family and social response and of what is essential to remedy the adopted child's shortcomings. Let us not forget that: "an adopted child is an abandoned child".

Abandonment is a rupture of the bond which will leave a wound in the child and will generate an insecure attachment.. After a period of time with their adoptive family, the percentages of secure attachment increase due to the fact that a close and positive relationship generates security and, therefore, the capacity to re-establish affective bonds.

It is important to be aware that for the adoption to be a success the parents, as the primary attachment figure and repairers of the child's wounds, must feel strong and be convinced of their capacity as protective and nurturing figures. This strength and capacity involves working on the emotions that invade them and the child, in each of the phases, using their internal resources or contacting professionals who can provide them with tools and guidelines.

The importance of managing emotions during adoption

No one should feel guilty if at any given moment their strength fails or they feel discouraged and lost; it is the result of the roller coaster of emotions. It is important to know that at the next bend happiness and joy will explode. From the moment you decide to adopt a child, this whirlwind of emotions will accompany you for the rest of your life.

Adoptive parents begin the path of parenthood by a different route than the biological one, and this entails different experiences and emotions for each of them, in each case.For each one of them, in each of the stages that lead to the building of a family.

The stages of adoption

Although the stages are similar (waiting, matching, meeting, trial in the case of international adoptions, adaptation and integration and consolidation as a family), the experiences of each of them and the associated emotions differ greatly from one form of parenthood to another.

1. Waiting stage

Once the decision to build a family through adoption has been made and the adoption application has been submitted, the waiting stage begins: it is a long phase in which, once the legal and administrative procedures have been completed, the adoption process begins. once the legal formalities have been completed and the documentation has been drawn up, time passes very slowly.. Unlike the biological parents who know that after nine months they will meet their child, the adoptive parents do not know how long they can wait and this causes uncertainty, impatience and disenchantment with a lot of hope.

2. Assignment

At an indeterminate moment, we enter the second stage: the assignment. The parents receive a call informing them that their child is waiting for them, explaining the child's characteristics and background and asking them if they would like to meet the child.They explain the child's characteristics and background and are asked if they want to meet the child. This is a very intense and confusing moment. On the one hand, the longed-for desire to meet, and on the other hand, the fear that the expectations created will not be fulfilled.

It is inevitable to create an image of the "little angel" you are going to meet and wonder how he/she will react when he/she sees you (will he/she reject me, will he/she accept me, what will he/she think, how will he/she feel, why did he/she leave you, what will he/she have experienced...). A lot of unanswered questions come to mind that generate a lot of excitement, nervousness, fear, anguish and insecurity before the unknown, which are overcome by the absolute desire to meet the child and start the journey as parents.

3. Meeting

The first meeting is the most awaited stage, where the greatest desire of the future parents becomes realityto meet their child. Upon arrival at the center where the child is, the parents react in different ways: some cry, others laugh, others collapse, or have reactions that define panic (the parents are terrified of not being up to the "little person" they will soon meet).

The child, on the other hand, feels anxious and helpless: "I am going to have parents, I don't know what it is, or what will happen to me, I don't know them and this makes me very nervous". At first the parents are perfect strangers; feelings of mutual strangeness and distrust of the child towards the parents will emerge. It is necessary to relax, transmit serenity and respect the child's behavior so that the child relaxes and you can interact. and you can interact. The easiest way to access the child is through play.

Generally, after a reasonable time, the child will agree to play with you and at that moment the relationship that will last a lifetime and forge the bond begins to build. When this happens, parents and child are both happy and it is a sure sign of success.

4. Adaptation

We then enter the the adaptation stage, whose purpose is to get to know each other and build the relationship that will generate trust and lead to adoption. and lead to adoption.

Although this period can be very different between national and international adoptions due to the difference in the legal process, the main emotion is joy, which arises from the deepest part of our heart and brings us tranquility, well-being and love that pushes us to explore the environment and to deepen our knowledge of the other.

Once the competent entities decide that the adoption is favorable, both parents and child are ready to start an adventure together that will be formalized, starting the real adventure of building a family. which will be formalized, beginning the real adventure of building a family.

This stage begins the day the child is picked up from the center where he/she has spent the last months or years of his/her life. This is a very strong emotional blow for the child that generates helplessness and a lot of anxiety, which generally takes the form of disconsolate crying in the face of fear, anger, rage or disconnection with the environment, in the end, another loss.

Parents face this situation in a different way, they feel a deep emotion full of tenderness, love, joy, accompanied by some anguish. Giving up everything and putting oneself in the situation of the child, who feels as if he has just been kidnapped, makes it easier to understand him and help him to overcome his pain. Understanding the relational style he has experienced, the affective bonds he has hadThe fact that the child will not feel exclusive, not knowing what a father or a mother is... will facilitate his or her first steps in the family environment.

5. Consolidation as a family

Once out of the center is the moment of truth, it is the beginning of the journey as a family. On arriving home, the child may be curious and explore the environment by touching everything or, on the contrary, may be inhibited and not move.

From this moment on, the child will have to face many changesThe child will have to face many changes: the way of relating (from the institutional environment to the family environment), the situation of abundance (affection, relationship, play), the cultural change (climate, language, food, environment) and sometimes the ethnic difference.

The child feels disorientation, restlessness and expectation. He does not trust that the new conditions are permanent. He must understand that this time is different and he will not be abandoned. She needs to understand what is happening to her, get used to her new situation, and learn what it means to live as a family.. Therefore, it is important that before starting their school life they spend a prolonged period at home to strengthen the emotional ties with the family environment.

As parents, by observing the child, listening to him, seeing what he expresses and what his needs are, pursuing him to meet his needs and showing him that you are there to protect him, care for him and love him, you will be able to consolidate his integration into the family. This implies "accompanying your child in his growth and attending to his formation as a human being by protecting him and giving him affection, values and norms that will place him in social life" (Meltzer,1989).

It is necessary not to forget that "as parents, adoptive parents have to fulfill the same functions as biological parents, but with a plus that comes from the adopted child. The adoptive parents' plus is to repair the damages and sequels derived from all the previous history of the minor". (Miravent and Ricart (2005)).

In this reparative process, the parents and the extended family are involved.In order for the child to feel like one more member of the family, it is necessary for the family to foster an integrating attitude and a feeling of belonging. As the child feels secure in the family environment, he/she will dare to explore other environments and will begin to walk alone, will investigate his/her origins, will elaborate his/her identity and will become a happy adult.