Uncoupled couples?

Some reflections on couple therapy and the problems it addresses.

Many patients consult me for having "consumed information" on the web, through psychological posts and memes, about supposedly truthful information about relationships. These are ideas, concepts and images that go viral or are massively replicated through social networks, blogs, emails and are passed from person to person.

On many occasions, these units of information that are massively shared on social networks talk about experiences that in theory happen to many people, raising doubts about whether this is also happening to us without us realizing it. In some cases, it sets off alarm bells in some households, and leads to the thought... should we consult specialists?

Academic concepts appear in popular knowledge, loose, decontextualized and with a forceful power: "That's what's wrong with me!" "That's how my partner is!" "We are toxic!" "Science" says it, "specialists" explain it. Symptoms are offered, standardized diagnoses and of course efficient treatments within our reach. Once the poison of "wisdom" has been instilled, it stings and an antidote is sought.

The decision to go to couples therapy

The decision to begin a couple therapy is taken in the majority of the cases when there are registered failures of communication, incompatibilities of projects, differences perceived as irreconcilable, distrust, feelings of loneliness and disaffection.feelings of loneliness and falling out of love. Fights, silences and distancing appear, while sexual desire decreases or disappears.

The problem is that the antidotes are too many and all of them promise healing or salvation. The doubt arises as to which one will be the best, the only one capable of freeing us from this disorder, from this toxic relationship, from the mistreatment and emotional dependencies. We must decide which one is best for us, which one will help us to "save" the couple or to solve our conflicts.

It is perfectly understandable that we look for alternative solutions when sadness gains ground, when our strength weakens, when our answers seem to be exhausted from so much use. But we must make the effort to explain with our words the problem that afflicts us. A serious mistake is made when the conflict is reduced by applying a "psi" lexicon or alluding to uncertain hormonal or neuronal disorders.

Talking in psychiatric or psychological terminology does not help.On the contrary, it closes with a denomination, that which could be said in a unique and particular way in the words of the patient. If we professionals respond by quickly accepting this knowledge brought to the consultation, we would be validating other people's diagnoses and we would be subordinated to propose the corresponding treatment. This is generally carried out by the medical model (disease/treatment), but with the singularity of the subject (one by one) it does not work in the same way.

The search for the causes of the problem

Psychoanalysts have a reputation for listening and not rushing to answers. It may be because to analyze is to think in detail, to reflect, to break down into its parts in order to obtain causes and effects. The challenge is to make the passage from the saying "she is toxic, she is obsessive jealous, she manipulates me, etc." to the saying of each one of us. For this we need a time of commitment and the acceptance of the possibilities within our reach. Finding out how much we can gives us an idea of the value appropriate to our circumstances.

Humans depend on others. The first nurturing and personal care functions are carried out by adults called mom, dad, grandparents, etc. Throughout life we learn to live, to relate to others through our closest ones, family members, school and/or sports environments. They "love" us through their teachings, advice, warnings and urge us to respond with good behaviors, efforts, and achievements among many other things. We are the result of their beliefs, their traditions, their fears and expectations.

When we reach adulthood, up comes the possibility to choose. Culture allows the encounter (liaison/wedding/sexual union) with someone outside our "tribe" (without Blood ties/incest prohibition) to build a bond where we can unite the sexual or erotic current with the tender or loving current in the same person. We will call this lucky person "My partner".

In the best of the cases arrived to this stage we will have a quite defined idea of the type of bond that we wish to have with another person.. How we should be cared for, respected, accompanied, tolerated and supported. That is to say, there is an idea of what we are willing to give and what we wish to receive. Reciprocity, correspondence, equality are terms that we use to propose serious and lasting relationships.

Seeing oneself reflected in the mirror of the relationship

What we are (or think we are) is reflected in the way we "give" ourselves to the other: "I give myself, I open myself, I suffer, I give up while you don't". What we receive is perceived in a different way, it can be overvalued or underestimated and in comparison doubts appear in relation to values. Who loves more? Or who does it better? I listen to him/her, I understand him/her, he/she should? If I care so much at least.... If I go out of my way then I hope...

Parity, equality or absolute fairness between two different people (not a gender issue) is an impossibility that we humans rationalize but do not elaborate. Convenience is the order of the day. What do I get if I am with this person? Will I be able to count on him or her in the future? And the children?

Couples therapy is a research work. The analyst puts "communication" into circulation and can help each partner to discover the effect of his or her words, reactions and gestures, while at the same time promoting understanding by relating the past to the present moment and recognizing unconscious pacts and fantasies. The objective is to promote safety and empathy in order to be able to observe what happens to them in a different way.

It involves an openness to explore the particular attachment relationships at play in the relationship by facilitating the processing, regulation and integration of the emotions that are activated in it. Without the desire and commitment to make a problematic relationship more pleasant, or to understand in a more pleasant way for both partners what causes them discomfort in the relationship, in order to be able to make some change in this regard, it seems an unfeasible undertaking to consider couple therapy, being then recommended the individual approach.

It often happens that the personal or intrapsychic conflict of one of the partners is damaging or hindering the relationship.. Although both of them come to therapy, it is common that they are summoned separately in order to solve the personal problem. Likewise, in the joint sessions, priority is given to respecting the needs of the other, identifying the problem and seeking solutions to address it and to come out stronger once we have overcome it.

It is important to emphasize that most of the couples who come for consultation hold the idea that it is worthwhile to find the solution and fight for the relationship.