Validating and moving forward as parents, as children...

Validation is a fundamental psychological aspect to establish solid family bonds.

If you are parents, it is likely that on more than one occasion you have received a call or held countless meetings at school and/or in other settings due to disruptive or maladaptive behaviors of your children..

These behaviors can cover a Wide range of situations: "does not relate properly with peers", "does not respect rules", "does not tolerate limits", "has aggressive behaviors", "does not pay attention", "is unmotivated", "does not respect authority figures"....

Many may be familiar with some of these statements. Others may even be used to hearing more than one. Sometimes these can be overwhelming, and if we refer to adolescence... the portrait can be even more discouraging.

• Related article, "Parenting: regretful mothers and fathers?"

Facing the complexity of parenting.

It is also very frequent that parents with children have personal, coexistence, school and/or social difficulties (I do not know anyone who does not have them to a lesser or greater extent), constantly receive messages (directly or subtly) on how to better educate their children or on positive and effective parental models.

The sources can be very diverse: other parents, teachers, relatives, friends, educators, social workers, psychologists, media... and in a multitude of formats, formal (educational workshops, talks or other interventions) and informal.

The amount of information can be enormous. In many cases these messages have a protective and effective function, i.e. they help; in other cases, however, they can have a guilt-ridden and blame-generating character..

In the latter, the word "you should" becomes habitual in multiple social interactions until it is internalized by the person in the form of thoughts and emotions.

Often, it is even the parents themselves who it is even the parents themselves who end up immersed in a state of guilt and helplessness that limits their ability to exercise their parental functions with an appropriate perception of self-efficacy. with an appropriate perception of self-efficacy. In others, we shift responsibility or express anger on others in order to protect our self-esteem and/or self-concept, which is, on the other hand, a very human behavior when we feel judged or attacked.

Professionals who work with families, especially with parents and children or adolescents, know the importance of paying attention to the thoughts, feelings and feelings of others. pay attention to the thoughts, feelings and emotions experienced by both parents and children in the face of personal difficulties and/or other stressful events. that interfere with the positive evolution of the family system as a whole. In fact, it is they who most often suffer from difficulties in adapting to different social contexts! This is why active listening, understanding, empathy and accompaniment are elementary functions of the therapeutic relationship.

Negative emotions are also useful

As professionals, we know the power of emotions such as guilt, shame and fear.. They are usually perceived negatively because they generate a great deal of discomfort and/or suffering. However, all emotions, both positive and negative, are essential for social adaptation and personal adjustment. Thus, guilt and shame have a function of personal and social self-regulation that allows us to learn, correct mistakes, empathize and, in general, direct our efforts to act in accordance with personal and social values.

Guilt in particular is intrinsically linked to the moral development of the individual, hence its adaptive value. and hence its adaptive value. However, when guilt is not adaptive, it interferes with self-regulation and personal and social development. It plunges us into a spiral of ruminations, devaluation, anxiety, depression, hopelessness.... It prevents us from learning and advancing.

In the same way, fear or anxiety has an important protective function because it allows us to pay attention to danger and to react to it.. However, when it becomes maladaptive, it interferes in the adequate coping with threats, challenges, crises... In such a case, we perceive these situations as overflowing our personal resources.

The importance of emotional management in family relationships

Thus, we have all felt guilty, ashamed, sad, worried or angry in a variety of contexts and situations. Parenthood is not exempt from these emotions. They are adaptive for our role as parents, and also for our role as children, siblings....

The problem arises when the expression of these emotions interferes in the family and social dynamics in a significant way, in such a way as to impede the author's ability to express his or her emotions.The problem arises when the expression of these emotions interferes in the family and social dynamics in a significant way, in a way that prevents self-regulation as an individual and as a family and social system, with its healthy development, and therefore may require a therapeutic process that favors the reestablishment of balance or homeostasis.

For the aforementioned reasons, this therapeutic process should focus on the understanding of emotions and their components (cognitive, affective and behavioral). (cognitive, affective and behavioral). But it is not only active listening, understanding and empathy that are necessary in the therapeutic approach; even training the person in coping techniques of various kinds can be insufficient without something essential! And this is none other than validation.

Validation means accepting emotions without judgmentwithout reproach... Accepting that at that moment our thoughts, emotions and behaviors were what they were and that they could not have been otherwise in that particular situation, because we did not know or could not with the tools at our disposal.

It is not a question of justifying, on the contrary.. It is about using guilt, shame, fear and sadness to move forward, to learn and focus the effort on the process of change and improvement, it is about recovering the adaptive function of these emotions, to restore balance.

In short, in any therapeutic relationship, the validation of the professional is essential and the self-validation of the person is essential to promote the process of change. To validate in order to move forward, as parents, as children, as people...