What are the reasons that predispose us to develop sex addiction?

Beyond the symptom, sex addiction may hide deeper and structural problems.

We are faced with a sex addiction when the desire to have sex manifests itself frequently, is intense and is accompanied by compulsive behaviors aimed at satisfying that desire in an irrepressible way.

This is so understanding sexuality in its different forms, i.e., not necessarily by having a sexual encounter with another person but also with sexual behaviors such as masturbation, prostitution, cybersex or pornography, among others. The person spends a large part of his day looking for a way to satisfy his need, affecting his work life.The person's work and personal life are affected.

Addictions are usually a consequence of more primary problems in the person. In other words, consumption becomes the solution to a certain problem. When the person consumes or performs behaviors related to sexuality, in the short term the situation that generates the discomfort passes to the background, becoming that action in an emotional regulator that placates the discomfort momentarily.. But what happens in the long term? The solution that is being implemented becomes the problem.

Addiction as a form of emotional regulator

Before the consumption of any substance, our brain releases a hormone known as dopamine generating pleasurable sensations. Because of this pleasure that is obtained, our brain will send us the message that it needs us to repeat that behavior in order to obtain that to obtain this pleasurable sensation. What happens is that our brain needs more and more of this substance that generates calmness.

There are moments in our lives when we may experience situations that are complicated and painful for us. In these moments, we can face the situation and the discomfort generated or we can avoid what has happened and not deal with it.. This second option can have certain negative consequences for the person.

If the usual way of coping that one uses is avoidance or suppression, what will happen is that all those events and psychological wounds that have been appearing in us through the lived experiences will accumulate.. These experiences start when we are born and begin to relate to our caregivers; the first experiences will later mark who we are and how we learn to cope with those experiences that come our way.

How does the bond with our parents influence how we regulate our emotions?

Many of these wounds are related to how we may have felt as children in our bond with our caregivers. As children we seek constant affection and approval from the adults around us.. If we don't get it, we will look for ways to get it. We will put behaviors in place that will get the attention of our caregivers, we will try to please them, we will take over their care, or we will put aside our own needs to meet those of the adult to receive the approval we seek.

If we have had any such experience, it will be a wound that we grow and develop with. This wound can take the form of emotional emptiness.. It is a very painful sensation, which hides a great feeling of loneliness, incomprehension, fear or sadness. There is a need to feel complete, but the person does not know the formula to feel this way, so, sometimes, one begins to look for ways to combat this feeling and discomfort and thus be able to feel totally complete.

Sometimes this feeling can awaken or increase after a breakup, a dismissal, work problems or any situation that generates discomfort in the person. In such situations, we may look the other way, so as not to run into the reality of the moment. But what is really happening is that we will not be facing or regulating our own discomfort, nor the experience before which we find ourselves..

The negative consequences of not managing emotions well.

When we experience situations that generate discomfort, a bad regulation of these can lead to the appearance of addictive behavior..

Faced with situations that generate a harm or problem, if there is no good regulation of the discomfort or if what is happening is not dealt with, there are people who begin to consume toxic substances, to fill their agenda with plans, to work longer hours, to consume pornography for hours, or to have compulsive sexual relations. In this article I would like to focus more on problematic sexual behaviors.

It is common knowledge that sex is a basic human need, as indicated in the pyramid of basic needs created by Abraham Maslow. Sometimes sexual practices can become addictive behaviors. In this case, this type of behavior is not related to the search for pleasure.The objective would be the search for calm and relief of emotional discomfort generated by the different situations that may have been experienced, and are also inserted in the context of the life history of each person.

Sexual relations will be the way in which the person learns to regulate himself and calm his emotions.This is how he/she will deal with whatever causes him/her discomfort. Stimuli that reward and generate a momentary relief are sought. This also occurs with other types of behaviors such as, for example, uncontrollable food intake or substance abuse, exerting a self-destructive behavior on oneself.

In the short term, a positive reward is obtained, which is followed by relief and a decrease in emotional discomfort. But... what happens in the medium and long term? The discomfort returns.

First of all, guilt for one's own consumption will appear. This guilt generates emotional discomfort, added to the previous emotional discomfort that has also not been managed. Again, to soothe this greater discomfort, the use of this problem behavior is used again..

Therefore, we will not be facing the problem, but we will be covering it up and not influencing what has generated it. Sometimes, the focus that generated the discomfort may not be seen by the person.. But this type of behavior indicates that something is not right inside us.

Developing an addiction to sex is also a way of not getting in touch with the discomfort and the problem situation. Let's imagine an inflatable mattress that has been punctured. At the moment, because we need to use it and we don't have the opportunity to buy another one, we put a patch on it. We know that this patch may last us for the rest of our vacation, but probably the next time we want to use it, it will be broken again. This is what happens when we avoid dealing with the problems that happen to us. For a moment we can survive, but what will happen in the long run? That This discomfort will appear in an intense, abrupt way and it will be more difficult for us to deal with it..

How do we know if we have a sex addiction problem?

These are several criteria that help us to know if we have a sex addiction problem.

A large part of the day is spent fantasizing and looking for ways to satisfy the need.

This generates great anxiety and the brain has learned that the only way to calm it is by consuming pornography or having sex, for example.

Daily life activities are left aside

Examples of these activities that become low priority are work or a relationship with a partner, family or social life.

Anxiety, thoughts and fantasies do not diminish until the person does not use.

There is a feeling that the person has no control over the behavior that appears. that appears. Feels that he/she is controlled by what he/she needs.

There is no need to satisfy the desire, but to calm and regulate the discomfort.

In other words, the focus of the experience is fixed on the negative.

The person feels a great emotional emptiness and guilt.

He/she may even feel deserving of being punished and that is why he/she sets in motion these self-boycotting or destructive behaviors.

The need to go beyond the symptom

Due to my experience in consultation, most of the time we see that, behind the symptom, there is a great need to feel seen, loved, valued, and desired. Therefore, in therapy it is very important that we work on identifying what it is that may be generating these symptoms, and not simply remain in a description of them.

Author: Lidia García Asensi, Health Psychologist