What is done in couple therapy applied to infidelity crisis?

This is what is done in couple therapy to suppress cases of infidelity.

Couple crises unleashed due to one or more infidelities are one of the most common reasons why people seek professional psychological help. And no wonder; it is estimated that in the average couple's relationship there is approximately a 25% chance of at least one infidelity, at least in Western societies.

But despite the fact that in recent years couples therapy has become more and more "mainstream", in the sense that it has become normalized to go to professional experts in this field, it is normal that even those who have already decided to attend a first session do not know very well what awaits them throughout a therapeutic process of this type, and even less if the problem to be treated has to do with the fact that someone has been unfaithful. For that reason, in this article we will see a summary of what is done in couple therapy applied to the infidelity crisis..

What is done in couple therapy oriented to infidelity problems?

These are the main key ideas that you should know to understand what is done in couple therapy in the face of an infidelity crisis.

1. Reorient the problem towards the facts, not the people.

One of the key aspects of couple therapy has to do with focusing not on the "ways of being" of individuals, but on the patterns of behavior that each reproduces, and how these shape the relationship. In other words, we avoid speaking from an essentialist perspective (e.g., assuming that the ways of behaving of each person directly reflect their identity, what they really are), because this way of being does not allow for improvement and/or repairing damage where possible.

To achieve this, therapy sessions use techniques designed to help each person stop assuming that he or she knows the other person and knows himself or herself, and start analyzing behavioral patterns directly and drawing conclusions from these facts.

2. Detecting problems in context

Not all problem behaviors are well explained by focusing on the individual; often, it is necessary to give as much, if not more, importance to the context in which the behaviors and interactions between partners occur. as much or more importance must be given to the context in which the behaviors and the interactions between the partners occur..

In fact, it is not uncommon to find that the main trigger for infidelity and the ensuing crisis is not so much in the relationship as in something that exists independently of the relationship. And even when the trigger is mainly in the relationship, it often involves aspects that neither of the two had given importance to until that moment, and which do not cost much to get rid of.

3. Seek reparation, not penance

Couples therapy is not a place to go to prove to the other person that we are right by putting the psychologist on our side. In any case, the aim is to find a balance of honesty and commitment that has been broken (or perhaps never existed) and, when this is not possible (or perhaps never existed) and, when it is not possible, to make a break without generating greater damage. And this involves openly recognizing that the other person has been harmed, in one case, and that the other person has harmed us, on the other.

Of course, it must be clear that in cases of infidelity, it is a prerequisite that before starting couple therapy the affective/sexual contacts with the third person have already ceased.

4. Adopt new communication dynamics

It is important to make adjustments in the dynamics of interaction that have to do with communicating the need for affection, for physical proximity. If this is not the case, it is easy for taboo themes to appear that only serve to accumulate frustration at not being able to behave and speak normally. This involves, as we have seen, repairing the damage done, as far as possible, and rebuilding the commitment.

5. Examine the possible reasons for self-sabotage

In emotional relationships, self-sabotage is relatively common, and often this leads to harming the other person because we have not thought enough about the consequences of our actions. That is why, in couples therapy, we learn how to identify as such those thoughts that can serve as a self-excuse to increase the possibility of committing infractions. to increase the possibility of committing infidelity. And, in cases like this, one can think about what has triggered that thought or feeling.

Bibliographical references:

• Blow, A.J. & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in Committed Relationships II: A Substantive Review. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31: pp. 217 - 233.
• Buss, D. M.; Haselton, M. (2005). The Evolution of Jealousy. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(11): pp. 506 - 507.
• Christensen, A.; Atkins, D.C.; Yi, J.; Baucom, D.H. & George, W.H. (2006). Couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy.J Consult Clin Psychol. 74(6):1180-91.
• Dattilio, F.M. & Padesky, C.A. (2004). Terapia Cognitiva con parejas. Bilbao: Editorial Desclée De Brouwer.
• González López, L. (2016) Manual sobre la desconfianza en la pareja. El yo, el otro y el nosotros. Editorial Avanza Psicología.
• Lopez-Cantero, E. (2018). The Break-Up Check: Exploring Romantic Love through Relationship Terminations. Philosophia (Ramat Gan), 46(3): pp. 689 - 703.