What is emotional dependence, and how to overcome it?

These are the keys to identifying emotional dependence and knowing how to deal with it.

In most healthy relationships it is common for one partner to require more affection and affection than the other. This does not have to be a problem, and in fact, it is normal and perfectly expected that there are some asymmetries in such a relationship: each individual is unique.

However, as with any psychological phenomenon, if this need for psychological support and displays of affection is taken to the extreme, problems arise. In such cases often occurs what is known as emotional dependenceone of the most common problems among those who decide to attend therapy. Let's see what it consists of and what can be done to overcome this problem.

What is emotional dependence?

Emotional dependency is a pathological excessive need for affection, affection and constant availability that some people feel with respect to someone with whom they have that some people feel towards someone with whom they have established an affective bond, usually their romantic partners, damaging their relationship, their social life and their own well-being in the medium and long term.

Moreover, emotional dependence is not characterized by being accompanied by a high level of nonconformity when it comes to choosing with whom to establish a relationship. On the contrary: although the person feels frustrated and dissatisfied because they are not getting all the emotional support they feel they need, the awareness that this problem exists makes them even more fearful of the possibility of a breakup. Thus, those who suffer from emotional dependency place the person on whom they depend above other very important aspects of their lives.

On the other hand, emotional dependence should not be confused with what is known as "psychological dependence", a term used to refer to cases of addiction.a term used to refer to cases of addictions. Those who have developed this kind of pathology feel that they need to satisfy over and over again their desire to consume a drug or perform a certain action. However, emotional dependence expresses itself in more subtle ways. Not so much through repeated exposure to a very specific and easily recognizable type of experience (smoking, taking pills...), but by creating situations in which the fear that the other person will abandon us or stop counting on us is reduced.

Emotional dependence is based on more abstract thoughts than psychological dependence, and is much less individualistic in nature.

Possible causes

These are the most frequent causes of emotional dependence. In practice, they often overlap with each other, striving to influence each other.

1. Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem consists of a tendency to negative self-esteem and, in this case, a feeling of inferiority to the other partner.In this case, a feeling of inferiority in relation to the other partner.

2. Fears based on traumatic experiences

This problem may be facilitated by a history of abuse in the past, as well as by a deficit of affection and affection on the part of the person's parents. This is known as insecure attachment.

3. Lack of social skills

Deficits in social skills are often associated with fear of loneliness, leading the person to believe that he/she is alone.leading the person to believe that he/she will not have new opportunities to have a close relationship with someone.

4. External pressures

Expectations of all kinds, and even gender roles, can contribute to a person believing and feeling that their raison d'être is to be with their partner and to do everything possible to keep them by their side.

How to detect it? Warning signs

These are several signs that help to identify cases of emotional dependency.

1. Normalization of humiliation

People who are emotionally dependent on their partners may even idealize them to the point of tolerating them. idealize them to the point of tolerating situations of mistreatment, humiliation or abuse of power.humiliation or abuse of power by them.

2. Jealousy problems

Also the appearance of unjustified jealousy is also frequent.. However, this does not usually take the form of attempts to control the other person, but rather of more discreet ways of expressing discomfort: for example, a passive-aggressive attitude.

3. Weakening of other social bonds

People who have developed emotional dependence stop devoting time and effort to cultivating friendships that are outside of the relationship, as they put the other person first and try to please him/her over non-relationship commitments.They put the other person first and try to please him/her above commitments that have nothing to do with him/her.

4. Feeling of emptiness and helplessness

Emotional dependence can be understood as a way of trying to fill a void through the presence of the other person; this causes the person who develops this phenomenon to feel a sense of emptiness and helplessness.This makes the person who develops this psychological phenomenon notice that without this relationship his or her life would be meaningless, and that consequently he or she is very vulnerable because his or her ability to be happy basically depends on this individual.

5. Appearance of anxiety and stress

The fact of frequently feeling the risk of losing that relationship causes anxiety problems to appear, with various associated symptoms: irritability, sleeping problems, problems concentrating, etc.

Tips on how to manage it

The best and most advisable way to deal with emotional dependence is to see a psychologist; there are many useful psychotherapy resources to help manage emotions and personal relationships better. However, apart from that, there are also some simple tips that can help with this problem. They are the following.

1. Make sure that you are not going through an abusive situation.

First of all, check that what is happening to you does not constitute abuse. If the physical or psychological attacks occur repeatedly, it is important to to end the relationship as soon as possible and not try to fix it.In cases like these, your safety and well-being come first.

2. Detect recurrent situations in which you give in too much

Over the course of a week, write down in a small notebook all the occasions in which you feel that in the previous hours you have given in too much for fear of losing that person.. On the seventh day, look at what you have written down.

3. Make sure you maintain an active and varied social life.

If you become more and more isolated because of emotional dependence, you will become more and more dependent on that person; It's a vicious circle that you don't want to feed.. To avoid this, set yourself a minimum of monthly or weekly hours to spend interacting face to face with friends and other people important to you.

4. Start personal projects

Dedicate part of your time to something that only concerns you. and that will bring you satisfaction through short- and long-term goals is a good way to adopt your own perspective on life, not only linked to what the other person does or thinks.

5. Practice assertiveness

Getting used to defending your interests and your point of view in your relationship with that person will help him or her with that person will help them stop assuming that they will continue to have a leadership role in all interactions with you, and it will also show you that there is nothing wrong with expressing your disagreement with certain things.

6. Go to psychotherapy

If a few weeks go by and you notice that nothing changes, or if you feel very bad and need help as soon as possible, get in touch with psychotherapy professionals. Emotional dependence can be treated by going to psychological therapy. In this process, the professional detects the personal and contextual causes behind the dependency and creates an emotional and behavioral "training" plan to gain autonomy and reinforce self-esteem.

At Despertares Psychologists we offer individualized psychotherapy services and couple therapy or family therapy in both online format by video call, as well as in person at our centers in Madrid, Getafe, Leganés and Móstoles. We serve people of all ages. Contact us to learn how to better manage your emotions and adopt psychologically healthy habits.

Bibliographical references:

• De la Villa Moral Jiménez, M. & Sirvent Ruiz, C. (2008). Sentimental or affective dependencies: etiology, classification and evaluation. University of Oviedo. Department of Psychology. Area of Social Psychology.