What keeps you from being a happy mother?

The mental traps that lie behind many bad experiences related to motherhood.

It seems that we are becoming more and more aware that, if this life has any meaning, it is to live it from happiness.

To enjoy the good moments, the feeling of inner fullness that makes us feel better than anything else. To be aware of all the wonderful things we have in the form of family, friends, experiences, material goods, health? In short, to be aware that I have plenty of reasons to be happy.

It is exactly the same with parenthood.. In the past, we used to see couples who seemed to have children simply because it was the right time, because it was the normal thing to do. But now we are much more aware that motherhood (and fatherhood) is one of the most relevant and beautiful things that can happen in life.

Motherhood, fatherhood and happiness

Until a generation or two ago, "raising children" was an obstacle course that had to be overcome.. Survival was far above enjoyment, and it seemed that pursuing one's own and the child's happiness was relegated to the bottom of the list of priorities. It was considered absurd.

A mother's or father's mission was to produce useful, responsible and hard-working children. Whether or not children and parents were happy was a consequence of the work and standard of living they achieved. In spite of this, the happiness levels of those generations were much higher than those of today's generation.

Curiously, now that we focus on raising happier children, and seek personal self-fulfillment through parenthood, our levels of stress, anxiety and depression derived from raising and educating our children are much higher. What is the reason for this contradiction?

In a way this is explained by the very nature of our mind. It is programmed for many very important things, but one of them is not happiness. Survival, becoming better and better, living in society, are some of the functions it helps us to fulfill. Like any currency, it has a double side which is the real problem..

1. Survival above all else

To survive, you have to anticipate the problems you may encounter along the way. Therefore, thinking about what might happen to you and finding ways to avoid it is one of the functions of the mind..

Besides, the mind loves routine. It is a way to achieve that survival. "If what I did yesterday allowed me to stay alive, I will do it again today." This is the approach, even if happiness is in the background.

The mind's mission in this regard with respect to motherhood leads you to to live pending of the bad things that can happen to your child.. For example, adolescence "is full of dangers" nowadays, isn't it? Addictions, bullying, juvenile depression, dropping out of school? There is a lot of talk about it in the media, and automatically the mind leads you to live it as if it were going to happen to you, and to look for ways to avoid it at all costs.

2. Reach your best version

To be better and better, to feel that you are improving, that you are "your best version", is a noble aspiration, don't you think? This improvement will lead us to feel more fulfilled, happier.

But we return to the double side of the coin. In order to improve, what do I have to pay attention to? Yes, of course, what I do wrong. That's why your mind (and mine) is always on the lookout to show you and to show you and remind you of what you were not perfect in.. It invites you to learn, but under the old expression "the letter enters with blood".

In the case of parenting with your children, this search to be a better mother each time, and for your child to be better each time, leads you to continuous criticism (towards you and towards him/her), to think that, although things are good, they could be better, and to repeat to yourself what is not good and should be improved.

This way of acting is the source of the low self-esteem that so many times our children suffer and that can be seen when they reach adolescence.

3. Integrated and with friends

One of the sources of the progress of the human being has been the capacity to organize itself and to live in society.. It distinguishes us from many other "inferior" species (but that curiously seem much happier).

There is nothing better to live in society than to look like your peers. To adapt to what the majority dictates, to be part of that community on a physical, attitudinal and emotional level to generate the feeling of belonging that gives us so much security, right? However, once again, there is a "but".

This need to "fit in", leads us to realize how different our life is from that of others.. Because we are aware of our fears, longings and personal and emotional deficits, while in our eyes, others lead a life of apparent peace, harmony and happiness. What would they think of me if they knew my "dark secret?". Once again, our minds are playing tricks on us.

As parents, repeating to our little ones "what will others think of you?" or making them feel different and therefore judged by others, creates a sense of isolation that distances them from that ideal sociability. Moreover, as a mother you will be facing motherhood in a way that is painful to you, and this will become an obstacle to feeling happy.

Who controls your mind?

Faced with such a dark present, it is not easy to find a way out. There are people who explain the mind as a runaway horse that drags you if you do not know how to tame it. I don't think so.

For me, the mind is more like a speeding freight truck full of flammable material whose driver suffers from narcolepsy attacks (what a scene, don't you think?).

Imagine, the danger is constant. The strength of the mind lies in its overwhelming volume. More than 60,000 thoughts a day accompany you from day to night. That's why, controlling the mind is no easy task.. It is about realizing when it is useful and when it is not.

Faced with such a constant volume of information, our mission must be to discern when it is really helping us to be happier parents, and when it is showing us the other unpleasant side of the coin, the one that takes us away from happiness.the one that keeps us away from happiness.

So what is stopping you from being a happy mother?

In order to differentiate what is useful for you to be happy from what is not, I leave you some important keys. Above all, the goal with them is that you are able to identify when your mind is taking that path and is separating you from your personal well-being.

1. Avoid expectations

The need to know what is going to happen is inherent to the mind, to have everything under control (or to believe that you have it). But forget about it, it is not possible to achieve it. No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to write your son or daughter's life.. Let yourself be surprised, and focus on the positive things you can do for him or her now.

Identify the beliefs that limit you.

Faced with the daily volume of information that resonates in our head, there are messages installed in our minds that prevent us from feeling good, and that arise simply because "it has always been this way"..... Remember that the mind loves routine if it made it survive, but what you believe prevents you from being happier.

Realize what thoughts and habits you have had with your children that repeat themselves and keep you from feeling like a happy mother. Also, discover what attitudes you adopt simply because you lived them at home as a daughter. Here are some keys to start changing.

3. Focus your attention on what really matters.

Wherever you put your attention, you contribute to the thoughts associated with that experience becoming bigger. Nowadays we have many occasions to "distract our attention" and stop it from operating properly (television, cell phone, social networks...).

Realize that what can really make you feel like a happy mother is happening right now, and only by paying attention to it you will be able to enjoy it.. Your child will follow his stages as we have all followed them throughout our lives, but the most important is the one he is living today.

By way of conclusion...

As you can see, these three things are very simple but they need your commitment, your work and your perseverance. Empower your mind, develop your emotion regulation skills through Emotional Intelligence and Mindfulness so that you learn to recognize it, understand it and manage it as you need to live parenthood in a much more satisfactory way. That way you will realize that you really can be a happy mother.

If you are encountering many problems in the process of establishing a good relationship with motherhood or fatherhood, I invite you to contact me; from Mindfulness and Emotional Intelligence empowerment tools, I can offer you a training plan in emotion management skills.