What to do in the face of the 4 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse

Let's see what therapeutic tools to use when faced with the horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.

Couple problems tend to be too varied to be described in a general way, but two main groups can be distinguished.

On the one hand, couples who, although they do not have arguments and conflicts, suffer a great distancing. On the other hand, there are couples who live in constant conflict, with great disputes and misunderstandings. Couples in the latter group are the focus of this article, who will have to face the presence of the problems we described in the previous article: The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse of love in the couple.

In this article we present the tools and possible actions to be taken when each of the horsemen appear. to be able to solve these difficulties and to adopt a potentially successful attitude to face the crises that arise.

How to manage the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships

More than two decades ago, the Gottman couple and their colleagues at the University of Washington discovered that in 90% of cases, they could successfully predict whether a married couple would stay together or end up separating.. This discovery was of great importance because; if the factors that could lead to divorce were known, perhaps they could be avoided and the relationship could be saved.

The team learned to determine which interactions between the couple result in lasting happiness, and which lead to emotional distancing and separation. But detecting problems is not the same as making them go away.

From the systemic point of view, it is understood that couples go through a series of crises according to the stages of development they are going through: crisis of commitment, crisis of cohabitation, crisis of the first child, crisis of the empty nest, etc.The crisis of commitment, the crisis of cohabitation, the crisis of the first child, the crisis of the empty nest, etc.

Problems arise when the transition from one stage to another is not adequately carried out and the couple does not manage to adapt to the new situation (Haley, 1973, 1976; Carter and McGoldrick, 1989). In many cases, unresolved crises overlap with each other and conflicts are prolonged. In addition, the coping style does not usually change, so that problems become chronic and the ball gets bigger.

With this in mind, let's take a look at some tips to know how to properly manage each of the horsemen of the apocalypse of love in the couple.

First horseman: Criticism

As a reminder, a criticism is a global and long-lasting attitude that directly attacks the personality of the partner.

In general, showing one's own feelings is positive for the relationship (we never know what the other is thinking or feeling, unless he/she communicates it) but should be done from a humble position in which the main objective is to solve an issue and communicate how we feel about it with respect. about it with respect.

Always describe specific problems, and do not treat the fact as a lasting and global situation so as not to fall into criticism. Be careful with the tone. It should not be belligerent or sarcastic. Do not enter into personal judgments or attacks on the personality of the other.

There are healthy complaints (sharing responsibility) and harmful complaints (accumulated complaints). There are healthy ways of responding to a complaint (asking questions to better understand) and harmful ways of responding to a complaint (defending oneself).

If we observe some behavior of our partner that we do not like, we should communicate it to him/her, but always talking about a concrete fact.But always talk about a concrete fact, otherwise it is very easy to criticize. For example: "Yesterday you forgot to take the clothes out of the washing machine and I had to take them out before going to work. Please take it out in the evening so I have more time the next day in the morning". This attitude is very different from: "you are selfish because you value your time more than mine since I always have to do all the housework myself".

When the complaints are not presented as criticisms directed at the person, we encourage an attitude of active listening to our partner.. If we are listened to and, in addition, we feel listened to; it is much more likely that our partner will put their efforts into not performing that behavior that makes us feel bad and that we ourselves lower the level of negative feelings.

Moreover, no matter how angry we feel, we should relativize everyday situations, we should relativize everyday situations by reflecting on whether the situation is important and taking stock of other things that your partner does do that perhaps make up for the tasks that he/she does not do. Doing this balance promotes attitudes of gratitude and appreciation of what each one brings to the relationship.

The next step is to express it to the partner: "Honey, I really appreciate you doing the washing machine at night and saving me the work in the morning". This exercise is not effective when the tokens of affection are not real. It should only be said if it is thought. And if you think it, always say it.

Tips:

• Raise complaints without criticizing your partner's ME (the person).
• Look for the longing in the other's complaints.
• Express and accept appreciation.

Second horseman: contempt

Contempt stems from criticism that is poorly reinforced with hostility and indignation.. Attacks and counterattacks generate insecurity in the couple, which prevents conversation and leads to estrangement.

Criticism is negative for the relationship, but contempt is a step further. Contempt generates much more Pain and mistrust than criticism alone.. It generates the need for the other person to defend him/herself by counterattacking, which leads to a spiral of reproaches and insults that is difficult to stop.

There are formulas to avoid falling into contempt or to stop it when the pattern has already been created. Many times we focus on expressing what we do not want to see in our partner's behavior without the latter knowing very well what we expect from her. This leads to the other person finding the answer in their own expectations or in their way of interpreting a situation without knowing exactly what we want.

We lead our partner to use the trial-and-error formula to determine what we need on their part since they only know what we don't want, but don't know what we do want. If he uses this formula unsuccessfully for many times he ends up throwing in the towel and distancing occurs. That is why it is important to communicate what we want and expect from our customers. it is important to communicate what we want and expect from our partner..

Another tool to avoid falling into contempt is to respond to the needs expressed by the partner with open questions. In this way we show interest in each other's concerns and clarify exactly how our partner feels and what we should do about it.. To do this, we must remember two rules:

• Do not interrupt by expressing your own need. "That's how I feel when you insult me.
• Don't react defensively. "Ah, what do you want me not to yell? Make an example of yourself!".

The alternative to these behaviors is active listening and understanding the other's message. To do this we rely on open-ended questions:

• What can I do to make you feel better?
• I am interested in what you think about this. Tell me more about what it means to you.

Finally, when we feel that the other person has listened to us, we should express it.. That way, the other person will be more likely to take that listening attitude again in the future.

Tips:

• Say what I want rather than what I don't want.
• Resist the urge to respond with a counter-criticism.
• Limit yourself to listening.
• Respond to criticism with: What do you want?
• Express appreciation for listening and responding.
• Take time to cultivate positive thoughts and feelings about the other.

Third rider: defensiveness

When one or both partners feel hurt or insulted, they try to defend themselves at all costs without listening to the demands of the other.

The way conversations are approached determines to a large extent the quality of the relationship in general (John Gottman, 1994). There is a big difference between starting a conversation with an aggressive approach and starting a conversation with a soft approach. The aggressive approach is based on accusation and encourages the other person to focus more on "form" than "substance". The soft approach allows complaints to be expressed in a more neutral manner.

It is very important to start the conversation gently so that it can move forward.. The aggressive approach quickly becomes an obstacle that even allows 96% to predict that the outcome of the discussion will not be satisfactory.

• Aggressive approach: "I'm sick of always going out with your friends on Saturdays.
• Soft approach: ''I would love to spend more time alone, how about you and me going out to dinner on Saturday?

Many people find it difficult to accept their partner's ideas, suggestions or requests because they believe that if they do so they will lose power in the relationship. This attitude also turns out to be defensive. Studies show that this happens mostly to men; but they also show that they are wrong.

Men who allow themselves to be influenced by their partners enjoy more power in their relationship than men who do not. It is believed that this is because women feel more respected so they are also willing to give more power to their partners. This means that they do not stand in each other's way, but rather try to reach mutual agreements.. Paradoxical though it may seem, sharing power with others gives power.

Expressing and accepting appreciation greatly dissipates feelings of resentment. It is a cognitive exercise of expressly noticing what the partner does well or what pleases us and communicating it to him or her. On the other hand, it is just as important to know how to listen to and accept our partner's appreciation without denying or ignoring it.. Assimilate and believe those good things that our partner says about us is an exercise that, although it seems basic, many people have to practice.

Tips:

• Start conversations in a softer way.
• Open up to each other's influence.
• Express more gratitude and appreciation.
• Accept compliments from others.

Fourth horseman: The evasive attitude

The avoidant attitude is characterized by showing indifference to what concerns the relationship..

There are many reasons why a person may show an avoidant attitude; but it almost always comes from a reinforcement of the fact that when we avoid the conflict (either by going somewhere else or by talking about something else) the conflict ends.

But the conflict ends only momentarily, since it has not been resolved. So it is highly probable that it will arise again. When we maintain an evasive attitude over time we do not solve problems, we postpone them.

It is necessary to stop avoiding the conflict and face it with the right skills.. If we have been avoidant for a long time in our lives, we may need to learn these alternative strategies.

When the style of the relationship is avoidant, many of the conflicts become perpetual, which can create a gap in the relationship that will surely grow. Perpetual problems refer to those fundamental character differences or lifestyle preferences that continually generate conflict. The result is often emotional distancing, the most serious conflict within the couple's relationship. The goal is to be able to talk about disagreements regularly and feel good about each other.

Another very useful cognitive tool is to realize that the personality we think our partner has is an image we have created for ourselves based on our beliefs, our expectations, our information processing and our way of seeing the world in general. A practical exercise is to try to judge our partner as an unemotionally uninvolved outsider would judge him/her..

Physical and emotional intimacy are closely linked. When one partner feels a lack of emotional connection, he or she will lose interest in sex, romance and passion (John Gotman, 1994). It is necessary to seek quality and pleasurable times to reestablish the emotional intimacy of the couple and that they can recover physical intimacy as a result of it. Dialoguing about perpetual conflicts by deepening feelings and focusing on accepting mutual differences also promotes emotional intimacy.

Tips:

• Stop avoiding conflict.
• Seek dialogue regarding perpetual problems. Do not get bogged down in them.
• Communicate acceptance of each other's personalities.
• Set aside time to be alone together to restore emotional and physical intimacy.

In conclusion

These tools are very useful if practiced within the couple when, although there are conflicts, there is not yet emotional distancing..

Couple problems are complicated and are not easy to solve. In fact, it is one of the most demanded consultations among psychology professionals. If you find yourself in a similar situation, it is advisable to go to a professional to assess the state of the relationship and can offer the most appropriate help to each couple. There are many practical exercises that are used in couples therapy, but many of them can also be done at home.

Finally, there are no major differences between heterosexual couples, there are no major differences between heterosexual and homosexual couples.However, the latter do show a number of specific characteristics that should be analyzed.

The University of Washington team studied heterosexual marriages, so the results we have shown from their research, as well as the tools, are aimed at heterosexual couples. The differences between men and women is a variable taken into account in the research. However, these problems have manifested themselves in all types of couples, these problems have manifested themselves in all types of couples.The tips explained here may be useful for everyone.

Author: Susana Merino García. Psychologist specializing in Psychopathology and Health and member of BarnaPsico..

Bibliographical references:

• Gottman, J. (2008). Ten keys to transform your marriage. Grupo Planeta (GBS).
• Beyebach, M., & de Vega, M. H. (2016). 200 tasks in brief therapy: 2nd edition. Herder Editorial.
• Beyebach, M. (2014). 24 ideas for brief psychotherapy. Herder Editorial.