Why do so many couples have conflicts during the vacations?

The summer season tends to bring a higher number of romantic breakups. Why?

When we start a relationship we tend to feel completely connected to our partner. We may still be surprised by their thoughts or attitudes, but the general feeling is one of permanent and solid connection.

From there it is very easy to face the vacations. Spending all the time together, without the interruption of our daily obligations, is perfectly in tune with our desires.

Vacations: a challenge for a couple's well-being

However, when a couple is in crisis, the vacations are not always those long-awaited days.. It seems that, as we find ourselves together and with fewer obligations, this feeling of disconnection becomes more powerful, more difficult to ignore.

During our daily life we can blame our lack of connection to a thousand factors: that we do not have time, that work absorbs us a lot, that the children require a lot of attention, the gym, Sunday lunch with the family, shopping, cleaning, that we have a thousand and one commitments, ....

It is true, that generally these factors or others similar are in all the couples and minimize their capacity to pay attention to each other day by day, but what is not so certain is that they are what maintains the distance between them.

Managing time together

They usually make us begin to feel disconnected from each other, but if we push them away, this feeling of disconnection does not disappear. That is why, when they are not present on vacations, but the feeling with the partner remains the same, all the alarms go off.

When we go away for a romantic weekend and still can't seem to feel close, we worry, we think that maybe our relationship will never be the same as before. We discover that we have settled into that distance between us in which we feel more secure, though not more comfortable, and that, even if the reasons disappear, the distance remains.

Generally there is a desire in us for things to go back to the way they were before.This does not mean to erase our obligations or our "children" from the equation, but to be able to feel as a couple again as before they arrived, and, if not on a daily basis, at least on that weekend alone that I was talking about before.

There are many couples who after making that attempt and seeing that it doesn't work, or even after giving up trying and starting to summer alone with the extended family so as not to have to face this reality of disconnection go to therapy, hoping that maybe, with help, things can be a little less bad... because few dream of imagining that they can be just as good or even better than at the beginning.

And they can, not always, I'm not going to lie to you, but in many cases they can.

How can couples therapy help us?

The Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a model of therapy that allows us to delve into the reasons for this feeling of disconnection.

It is not a therapy where we are going to get into a discussion about how we discuss our conflict issues. I sincerely understand that the couples who come to my office, generally, are people who are fully capable of having more or less satisfactory exchanges of opinions in almost all their relationships (family, work, friends,...) and who have the feeling that they get "stuck" in their couple discussions. This is because it has nothing to do with their ability to make and receive criticism, nor with their good or bad decision making techniques,... but rather with the feeling that in the discussions they have with their partner they are "stuck" in the same relationship. It seems that in the couple's discussions some emotions come into play that trap them and lead them to react in different ways. and that lead them to react in a very specific way.

The feeling of disconnection does not appear simply because we have different opinions than our partner, not even because these opinions lead us to a more or less heated discussion, but it appears when we feel that this discussion is endangering our bond with our partner, that it is touching on fundamental issues: how I see myself; how the other sees me; how I see him/her in the relationship....

It is when they feel our bond on the tightrope, when the discussion becomes especially painful, because the two, each in their own way, do everything possible so that the bond does not break, and generally, they do it in different and almost contrary ways, increasing the insecurity of the other, and consequently their own.

How can we help couples not to feel insecure?

According to Sue Johnson, Ph.D., creator of the Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Model, there are only three essential factors that make us feel that our partnership is secure. We need to know if our partner will be available, receptive, and emotionally involved with us.

• AvailabilityAre you there for me? Can I come to you? Will you be present?

• ReceptivityDo you care about me, do you love me, am I important to you, can I trust you to respond to me when I need you?

• InvolvementWill you commit to be emotionally involved and pay attention to me?

The TFE Model gives us therapists trained in the technique a clear road map of the way to get from this feeling of disconnection, where it is difficult to talk about any topic or even go on vacation together, to that of a secure bond where all these questions are answered with a YES, and we can feel as if we are on "vacation" in our day to day lives.