Why do we lie?

A reflection on the problem of excessive lying in our relationships and personal lives.

The human being is a social, emotional animal, and also a... liar. But let's leave value judgments aside. Telling lies is one of the most important and functional human coping mechanisms.

Lies help us to understand our own reality, to build an identity, and they are also a cognitive skill that even leads us towards empathy. However... At what point do lies start to become a problem? Why do we sometimes lie to excess (in relation to your work, family, or partner)? What does it lead to? Has it ever happened to you?

Lying is a trait of intelligence, but it also carries an emotional consequence. Why do we sometimes lie to excess? What is the root problem? How to solve it? In this article you can discover what lies lead you to, what is behind them, and how to solve it.

Exploring the origin of the act of lying

Let's start at the beginning: lying is a skill we do every day. When we are children we learn to lie because we discover that by misrepresenting certain facts of reality we can achieve certain objectives in our personal relationships.. In principle this is an adaptive trait that helps us to cope with situations, to build identity and to learn how to relate to others (the famous white lies).

Over the years, we learn that lying is a strategy that sometimes gets us out of a conflict or with which we achieve certain benefits. The problem of lies occurs when their purpose is not to adapt, but to avoid facing a fact that is complex for us.. When excessive lying occurs, we begin to feel insecure, anxious, increasingly overwhelmed and we feel a weight on top of us that oppresses us.

Sometimes, in consultation, many people confess to me that they are compulsive liars. When we go deeper into their case, we discover that there are not more lies than usual, but a series of redundant lies that increase their discomfort and anxiety.

As a psychologist and coach, my job is to accompany people in a process of change where they get the changes they need thanks to their own personal change. This is what really internalizes and serves forever.

The reasons for lies

We can lie in different aspects, and the origins are also different.

1. In the social area

We lie to be able to integrate ourselves in a certain group or to generate a certain image.. The end in itself is positive: to be able to connect with others. The problem is that lies are never sustained over time.

The origin of this lie is insecurity: we do not trust in our personal abilities, which is why we lie.

2. In the family area

We tend to lie out of fear of the consequences.. When we have the other person feel anger, disappointment or rejection, we hide certain relevant information or lie about it because we are afraid of the possible consequences.

This leads us to communicate in an opaque rather than assertive way, which makes us feel isolated, anxious and overwhelmed. Personal relationships are greatly impaired by this fear-based habit.

3. In the professional field

We may lie to conceal information whose consequences we fear, to impress, or to create a set of expectations that cannot be met. Above all, we lie for fear of not complying with the demands that we create for ourselves.

In the sentimental area: lies are more frequent in this area and it is where they cause us more problems. We lie out of insecurity (we fear the consequences of our actions) and we can also develop the habit of lying to feel adrenaline and personal security (as happens in the case of people who maintain several relationships at the same time, hidden from each other).

In all cases we find a common factor: we lie in principle to adapt and achieve certain personal goals without harming others (in principle this is the positive function of lies) but later we can lie excessively due to a series of fundamental emotions: fear, insecurity and guilt. Fear of the consequences, insecurity towards our capabilities, and guilt for the consequences of the lies themselves..

The solution to excessive lying

Excessive lying leads us to a state of anxiety, worry and overwhelm that results in a very unpleasant general discomfort. Lying is like a snowball or a tsunami effect.We find it increasingly difficult to escape from them. The solution, however, lies in working right at the source of these excessive lies: the way you understand and manage these emotions.

Feeling fear, insecurity or guilt is in principle natural (as well as white lies). The biggest problem is when you do not know how to understand and manage what you feel, to such an extent that these emotions are too intense, frequent and long-lasting, so that they condition your behavior and lead you to excessive lying.

Realizing this learning is what leads you to a meeting with yourself. and allows you to relate to others and to the world in an assertive, positive and, above all, honest way.

If you want to live this learning, I make you a special proposal: in Empoderamiento Humano you can find options to schedule a first exploratory session with me. In that session we can get to know each other, go deeper into your situation (in any kind of plot: sentimental, professional, personal, etc.), find a definitive solution and see how I can accompany you.

The change becomes a reality only if it comes from you. Here, I assure you... I do not lie to you.