Why is it hard to forgive? The keys to reconciliation

In love relationships and friendships, the inability to forgive can be a problem.

Knowing how to forgive is a very important ability, especially if it is related to maintaining good social relationships, as well as acquiring great importance during therapeutic processes.

However, it is not so easy. Sometimes it is difficult to accept the apologies of others and try to overcome the damage received. That is why many people wonder why it is difficult to forgive.and it is something that we are going to see more in depth below.

Why is it so hard to forgive someone?

Forgiving is human, and, in fact, according to a study conducted at Yale University by Molly J. Crockett's group, we are all born with this ability.

However, As we grow older, we find it increasingly difficult to forgive, either because we are afraid of being hurt again or because our personality is that of people with a low tolerance for betrayal.Either because we are afraid of being hurt again or because our personality is that of people with a low tolerance for betrayal. In any case, not forgiving becomes a defense mechanism, which can sometimes be detrimental to our proper socialization.

It is necessary to understand that forgiveness is not simply a set of behaviors towards a person who has done something unpleasant to us, but rather an attitude towards oneself. It is about not allowing circumstances that have been painful to us to become something that affects our way of being and contaminates our life. With forgiveness we grow emotionally.

One of the reasons why it is so difficult to forgive is that it is seen as a synonym of weakness. is seen as a synonym of weakness. It is often thought that, by forgiving someone who has hurt us, we are giving them a free hand to do what they did to us again, as well as not making them see what they did wrong. This is not really the case. Forgiving does not mean that we accept what he did to us, but it is a way of allowing ourselves to move forward.

Forgiving is not an act of charity or submission, nor is it humiliating or allowing abuse, but accepting that the person was wrong and, if he/she is aware of the harm he/she did, we allow him/her to evolve as a person. What he did to us must be taken into account in terms of when it was done, not generalizing it to the person's way of being. This can be difficult, because either by being angry or being sad, sometimes it is not possible to separate the negative deed from how the person who did it is.

Forgiveness is as if it were a gift, not for the one who receives it, but for the one who gives it.. It is not that it becomes an act of tolerating the harm received, but rather accepting what has happened and trying to overcome the negative feelings. One should not expect anything from the other, especially if there has been a repeated precedent of having done harm. The goal of forgiveness is to learn that oneself is more important and to manage the pain.

Another reason that prevents us from forgiving others is the Pain we are still feeling because of the harm they have done to us. This is especially visible when the act in question is very serious or the one who has done it to us is someone we trusted almost blindly. It is often very difficult to forgive betrayals by family, partners and friends, causing the trust we had in them to be greatly weakened. As we love these people intensely, we find it very painful when they hurt us.

In this type of situation, the disappointment experienced is very deep, given that we had formed expectations of others. we had formed expectations in relation to the others.. When there is a clash between our expectations and reality is when disappointment appears, an emotion that arises when we see that things are not as we expected. This is when emotions such as anger, anger, sadness and, of course, resentment arise.

The importance of forgiveness

When we are hurt, we manifest a whole series of feelings that, although adaptive, are negative and that, if maintained in the long term, can affect our health, both physical and mental. Resentment becomes a kind of aura that envelops us and that becomes more and moreForgiveness, remembering everything that has been done to us and that has made us angry, feeding back and consuming us inside, as well as negatively affecting our social relationships.

Forgiving does not mean that things are magically solved nor does it necessarily imply that there will be a reconciliation, but it does bring some relief, both for the injured person and for the one who hurt. With the act of forgiveness we become wiser people and grow emotionally.

It is necessary to make the wise decision to understand that we should not blame others for our own misfortunes, unless they have done very bad things to us.Unless they have done very serious things to us, such as mistreatment, theft or infidelity. Always, as far as possible, we should accept what has happened, try to forgive and learn from it, no matter how unpleasant it may be.

If you do not forgive, the pain becomes chronic. It must be understood that the pain arising from this type of situation is like an iceberg: the person who suffers from it only shows a small part of all the pain he or she really suffers. Forgiving is like crossing with an icebreaker that huge piece of ice, fragmenting it and making it much easier and faster to make it melt.

Forgiving yourself

Everyone has made a bad decision at one time or another that ended up hurting them after a while. It is possible that when you made the decision, you were not up to the task.. Regardless of the seriousness of the issue, it is very important that we are human and, like everyone else, we can make mistakes at times, but we must also allow ourselves to forgive ourselves. The decisions we make and the results, whether positive or negative, are part of our learning.

When the bad things we have done come back to wander through our mind, we must try to say 'Stop', since it is not its turn to come back nor to claim a leading role that it had in its time.

We must not whip ourselves. As the saying goes, 'falling down is allowed, getting up is an obligation', that is to say, you can make mistakes but you must always move forward and learn from the experience. One will not be able to forgive others if one has never forgiven oneself.

Bibliographical references:

• Siegel, J.Z., Mathys, C., Rutledge, R.B. et al (2018). Beliefs about bad people are volatile. Nat Hum Behav 2, 750-756 doi:10.1038/s41562-018-0425-1.
• Sutton, G. W. (2017). Review of the book Forgiveness Therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope by Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 35, 368 - 370.