Why it is important to learn to forgive oneself

These are the emotional benefits of knowing how to forgive ourselves.

Having a good emotional balance and the ability to grow as a person means knowing how to reconcile with ourselves at key moments.

However, this is something that not everyone understands: self-forgiveness is often confused with self-deception or even narcissism.

In this article we will look at why these beliefs are harmful, and why it is important to know how to forgive oneself.

What does self-forgiveness consist of?

When we talk about the concept of forgiveness, we usually refer mainly to a social phenomenon with moral implications about how we should relate to others. From this point of view, to forgive would be to assume that the redeeming qualities shown by the person who misbehaves deserve that we do not totally break off the relationship with that person, or that we do not adopt a hostile attitude towards him or her "by default".

So, although forgiveness does not have to mean forgetting or overlooking the harmful actions someone carried out, it allows us to give second chances, to make it possible for new alliances and complicities to emerge with the one who was unjust to us or to someone we care about.

However, this definition of forgiveness is somewhat limited and does not cover all the human experiences that we can live when forgiving and being forgiven. It is also possible to forgive oneself. Moreover, as we will see later on, there are many occasions in which it is absolutely necessary to reach this reconciliation with one's own "I".

Self-forgiveness means stop seeing our past mistakes only as a negative aspect of our identity, or as a reason to be ashamed of who we are or as a reason to be ashamed of who we are, but also as a reference that helps us to see that we have changed and that it would be unfair to treat us as if we had not progressed in the right direction.

In short, it implies creating a more nuanced self-concept, without falling into Manichaeism and accepting that in our past there are chiaroscuros, and at the same time being able to see that redemption is possible in our case. Forgiving ourselves implies having a complete vision of what we did some time ago, integrating in it information about how we are in the present.

4 reasons why it is good to know how to forgive oneself.

These are the psychologically beneficial aspects of being able to forgive oneself.

1. It allows to leave psychological rumination behind

Guilt is a psychological phenomenon that triggers the process of psychological rumination, ie, that constant appearance of intrusive images and thoughts that emerge in our consciousness over and over again, making us feel worse as time goes by.making us feel worse as time goes by. In these cases, those intrusive thoughts have to do with remembering what we did and what we now regret.

Forgiving ourselves helps us to stop fearing those thoughts and memories, not obsessing over them or fighting against their appearance in our mind (something totally counterproductive), so that they lose more and more power over us and finally fade away, integrating with the rest of the memories.

2. It helps to learn from our mistakes

Because by forgiving ourselves we stop focusing our attention on those biased and pessimistic thoughts about what we did, it helps us remember more clearly and more objectively what we did. helps us to remember more clearly and more objectively what we have done..

Thus, from a constructive attitude, we gain the ability to detect the moments in which we acted wrongly, the concrete decisions that were not correct, etc. In this way, self-forgiveness reinforces itself once it has begun to occur.

3. It gives us a more nuanced view of the real harm we have done.

Those who assume that forgiving oneself is a negative thing to do every time are often more focused on how bad they feel about their own identity than on the actual harm they caused others with their behavior. on others with their behavior.

This extremely perfectionist and even moralistic way of analyzing one's own behavior leads to extreme solipsism: one can even reach a point where even though others have forgiven us, we have not done so, believing that these people do not understand what has happened or do not know what is appropriate.

4. It predisposes us to normalize our relationships with others.

Although at first it may seem that forgiving oneself is a totally introspective and private activity, it also has a social dimension, it also has a social dimension.

Once we have gone through this process, we gain the ability to "connect" with others, and also with those we have wronged, by showing that we are not just feeling sorry for ourselves, but that we are willing to compensate and repair damage as far as possible because we see ourselves as capable of empathizing and adopting an active attitude to make things better.

Are you looking for psychotherapy services?

If you are at a time in your life when you feel you need professional psychological support, contact me.

My name is Javier Ares and I am a General Health Psychologist specialized in emotional and anxiety-related problems. I offer online therapy by video call and also face-to-face therapy in Madrid.