Zero contact after a breakup: is it a good option?

To what extent is zero contact after a breakup a good option?

When we break up a relationship, it is normal that at least one of the parties involved wonders if there is a possibility of returning, if he or she can continue to be friends with the ex. In short, he or she still hopes that this is not the end.

A breakup is not something comfortable, but not getting unhooked from the other can make it even worse. This is why on many occasions, and contrary to what one might wish, the best thing to do is to eliminate all forms of contact with our ex-partner.

This is called zero contact, which is basically to avoid seeing photos, sending messages or meeting the person with whom you have broken up.. Let's take a closer look at the advantages of this strategy, in addition to understanding what it is not good for.

Zero contact after a breakup: is it useful to protect our emotions?

Zero contact consists of a period of time in which you try to suppress any form of contact with your ex-partner. Although the expression zero contact is mostly used for breakups, the truth is that it is also applicable to all types of relationships, both personal and professional. You can decide to break any bond with a highly draining job, a toxic friendship or a relative who does not treat you the way you want to be treated. who does not treat us the way we deserve.

A very important aspect when applying this strategy after breaking up with someone is stimulus control. This involves not only eliminating physical contact, i.e., avoiding meeting with him or her.

We should also avoid talking to him or her, either by phone, instant messaging or social networks, and even avoid third parties, whether they are relatives of our ex, common friends or people involved in some way in that relationship, as well as memories, such as photos or songs heard together. In other words, an effort must be made to remove any stimulus that reminds us of that person.

It is difficult to get used to the idea of accepting a breakup. We always wonder if there will be a second part. But the best thing to do is to accept that the relationship has come to an end and that the best way to overcome it is to try to move forward, not to anchor oneself to the past and to prevent memories and temptations from stretching the suffering further.

Zero contact should not be confused with ghosting.. Ghosting" consists of breaking all contact with the partner, without the partner realizing it. That is, it is to break off the relationship abruptly, without explaining to the other person why you have decided to end the relationship or giving him or her the opportunity to explain how he or she feels about it.

Ghosting is an unethical way of ending a relationship, while the zero contact technique consists in the fact that, once the relationship has been broken off by mutual agreement (more or less), it is decided to avoid any form of contact, so as not to suffer and lengthen the breakup process.

Difficult emotional times

Making a clean break with the relationship and avoiding any further contact is not an easy task, but it is necessary in many cases. We have to stop self-deception and accept that the accept that the relationship is most likely over for good..

The "we can be friends" or "I don't want to lose you as a friend" is a form of self-deception, of believing that sooner or later the relationship will be reestablished, which is very unlikely. This is why it is so necessary to apply the strategy of zero contact, but first you should give it some thought, either to consider whether it is the most appropriate or whether you are ready.

The first thing to do is to think about the possible consequences of continuing with the contact. Perhaps, if we continue thinking that we can see our ex on social networks, have him/her as a contact on our cell phone or see him/her from time to time, this will generate emotional discomfort in the form of stress, anxiety and problems in our mental health.

Based on this, we must clarify what we want for ourselves, who, in essence, are the most important people in our own lives. No one wants to feel bad, which is such a common feeling after a breakup, and we all want to regain control of our lives, something we didn't have when we were dating someone in a relationship that was going nowhere. We must establish what is in our best interest..

It is normal that deciding to break off all contact is scary. After all, accepting the idea that we are not going to return to someone generates uncertainty, both in the fact that we do not know how our life will be without him or her and in the unknown of whether we are going to meet someone new. Whatever it is, we must be strong and establish a firm desire to change in the face of fear, focusing on the improvements that it brings us, not prolonging the suffering.

When is it advisable to apply this strategy?

Using the zero contact strategy is especially useful when you have been living for a long time in a devastating relationship..

As we have already seen, although it is especially applicable for couple relationships, it is also useful in the work context, toxic friendships and family members who hurt us. If these people haven't brought us anything and don't seem likely to change, the best thing to do is to cut off any form of contact they have with us and vice versa.

Zero contact controversy

The zero contact technique has been the subject of much controversy, not because of the technique itself but because of the purpose for which many end up applying it: to get the ex back.. Many love gurus claim that the best way to get someone back after a breakup is to stop any contact with her.

According to them, sooner or later the other party "will see that she cannot live without us" or "will understand how wrong she was to leave us, missing us a lot while we have not contacted her".

It must be understood that the main reason to establish zero contact with our ex is to to overcome the breakup in the healthiest and fastest way possible.. By stopping seeing him, talking to him and avoiding any stimulus related to her, we will avoid stretching the psychological suffering associated with the breakup. It is not a question of thinking that there will be a future together, but it is a question of accepting that, most probably, the relationship is over for good. Resisting it will do more harm than good.

Wanting to get your partner back is legitimate, but doing it this way is not. Using this technique with the intention of getting our partner back is a dysfunctional way of coping with the breakup. It is emotional masochism combined with being dishonest with our ex, since, at first, we give her to understand that we have mutually accepted the breakup, but we are orchestrating the way to get back with her.

In short, we are being manipulative if our intention is to pretend to break contact and accept the end of the relationship.. ¿Cómo pretendemos volver con nuestra pareja si nuestra nueva relación se va a asentar en una mentira y en la desconfianza? Desde luego, no es una forma saludable de tratar a un ex ni a nosotros mismos.

Referencias bibliográficas:

• Blumer, M. L. C., Hertlein, K. M., & VandenBosch, M. L. (2015). Towards the development of educational core competencies for couple and family therapy technology practices. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 37(2), 113-121. doi:10.1007/s10591-015-9330-1
• Celano, M. (in press). Competencies in couple and family psychology for Health Service Psychologists. In Fiese, B. (Ed.), APA Handbook of Contemporary Family Psychology. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.