10 questions and answers about infidelity

This is one of the most common couple problems, and many times, the reason for going to therapy.

Most couples consider fidelity as one of the foundations on which a loving relationship is built. Therefore, it is not surprising that one of the main reasons why couples go to psychological therapy is to overcome an infidelity..

The opinion of psychologists: questions and answers on infidelity

Today we have the collaboration of Rosario Linares and Irene Gómez, both psychologists at El Prado Psicólogos, one of the most important psychology centers in Madrid, to help us understand why infidelities occur, what consequences this act has on the couple's relationship and its members, and what psychological treatment consists of in these cases. We will be exploring this topic starting with questions and answers about infidelity.

1. What are the reasons for infidelity?

Behind infidelity there is always a weak point in the relationship, either because of dissatisfaction with the partner (conflicts, lack of communication, not feeling loved, lack of passion, fear of commitment, etc.), although there are also cases in which the problem is not of the couple itself, but of the person who is unfaithful.

There are people who are compulsively unfaithful, no matter who they are with.They may be with whomever they are with, due to a personal problem, either lack of self-esteem (they may seek to reaffirm themselves through conquest) or they may be sex addicts or people who present paraphilias (strange sexual behaviors) that they try to satisfy outside the couple. There are also people with narcissistic personalities for whom the concept of betrayal does not exist, because they do not feel empathy for their partner or people who, because of their emotional immaturity, do not want to give up anything, and put their own pleasure before their commitment to their partner.

2. Does the unfaithful person always feel guilty?

Among the unfaithful people there are two types, those who feel guilty, and those who do not, the degree of awareness of why they have been unfaithful varies from one person to another, but what happens to those who feel guilty is that despite knowing the reason why they have been unfaithful, they wonder why, because they do not understand how they have been able to jeopardize their relationship.

There is a part of them that has wanted to be unfaithful and another that has not, the part that does not want to be unfaithful is the one that wonders why I have done it? In the second case, they justify themselves and they are clear about the motives, and they do not feel guilty, they only worry that their partner does not discover them. In the latter case, guilt may appear when they are discovered, when they become aware of the consequences of their actions and the damage they have caused to the other person.

3. How does a relationship change after an infidelity is discovered?

After an infidelity is discovered, there is a before and an after. At first there is an emotional tsunami, after this the relationship may end in a breakup or the person may decide to continue with the other person, but if the relationship continues without forgiving the other person, sooner or later the relationship will deteriorate so much that it will end up breaking up. Knowing an infidelity affects above all the trust you have The person who has discovered the infidelity, even if he/she decides to continue, often emotionally distances him/herself from the other person. Jealousy and control over the partner can also develop from this moment on.

4. Can all couples overcome infidelity?

94% of couples therapists believe that couples can overcome infidelity according to a survey conducted in the United Kingdom. Many couples can overcome an infidelity, although not all of them, it depends on the attitude taken after learning of the infidelity. If after passing a first phase of anger we hold on to the Pain and what we do is to use the infidelity as a weapon and resentment towards the other person takes hold, then the relationship deteriorates and it is not easy to get over the infidelity. the relationship deteriorates and it is easy for it to end in a breakup..

There are many couples who overcome an infidelity, although many times the infidelity does not transcend outside the couple and we do not get to know this fact, but there are more couples than we think. Although most people think that they would not forgive an infidelity, when it happens they change their mind, since they value the positive aspects of the relationship and the love they have for the other person or the children they have in common, for example, weighs more.

5. What do couples who, after discovering an infidelity, decide to see a therapist to overcome it have in common?

Most of the couples who come to see a therapist for infidelity come to consultation with a very deteriorated emotional state.In many cases, one or both partners have doubts about whether the best thing would be a possible separation and see therapy as a last resort or as a decision-making process about whether to continue the relationship or not.

6. What is the process of regaining trust in another person?

In order to restore trust, it is first necessary to ask for forgiveness in a sincere manner. The process of asking for forgiveness involves recognizing that what was done caused harm or offended the other, truly feeling the other's pain, analyzing one's own behavior, defining a plan of action so that it does not happen again, committing to rebuilding the couple, explicitly asking for forgiveness from the other, and making restitution, committing to rebuilding the couple, explicitly asking for forgiveness from the other and making restitution for the harm done.. In therapy, it is important to have a deep understanding of the history of the couple's relationship in order to analyze all the factors that influenced the infidelity to occur. It is essential for the couple to reach agreements on changes in order to prevent possible risky situations for the couple.

7. What dynamics do you work on in the different sessions?

In couples therapy we work a lot on empathy. One of the techniques, for example, would be role reversal, where both partners make an effort to put themselves in the other's shoes. In any couple therapy, communication, positive exchanges and negotiations are very important aspects.

In the particular case of infidelity, when both partners have suffered disappointments, it is useful to make a list of grievances where each partner makes a list of the situations in which he/she has felt wronged by the other. Next to each grievance write down what concrete act of reparation from their partner would be useful to turn the page.During the next session, discuss the two lists and plan how to carry out the redress.

8. What issues do each of you need to work on/reinforce, both the one who has been unfaithful and the one who has been cheated on?

It is important that both partners commit themselves to do their part to overcome the situation; on the part of the person who has been cheated on, it is important that he/she allows the other person to repair the damage and initiate changes; the person who has cheated must commit him/herself to follow the process to regain the trust of the other person mentioned above.

9. Is it equally complex to go through this process as a couple for both partners?

Normally it is hard for both, for the person who has been cheated on it is difficult to come out of the reproach and accusation For the person who has been cheated on it can be difficult to repair the relationship and deal with the guilt.

10. Is it really possible to forgive and "forget" an infidelity?

Forgetting is never possible, forgiving the damage and repairing it is possible, but it is a process that requires time, effort and the commitment of both partners.