8 golden rules for overcoming a couple’s conflict

Key ideas to manage this type of problems so common in the love life of many people.

In personal relationships, sooner or later discrepancies arise, because each person has their point of view, their beliefs and their particular way of seeing the world.

To have differences is something natural, the bitter part appears when they become a dead end. The relationship deteriorates and appears the suffering and distancing of the couple.. In the couple therapies we are constantly opening alternatives to find a way out of the impasse.

Approach of the couple's conflicts: what to do?

In the day to day of the Instituto Psicode we use an endless number of techniques with which we look for other options to solve problems that the couple cannot solve by itself. We mediate, we work on flexibility, we undo toxic dynamics, we create healthy communication scenarios, we teach to close past stories, we scare away pride, we introduce forgiveness and the magic of reconquest. In short, psychologists become facilitators of agreement and harmony in the couple. in the couple.

It is very curious, however, that most couples face the same problems over and over again.. Every couple ends up repeating the same scenes and themes of conflict. Even the couple themselves know what the outcome of the situation is going to be, but they can't help it; they do the same thing over and over again, hoping that it will be resolved. But both are trapped by the conflict.

Something that amazes us is that, when they come to the consultation, we observe that many couples have in their repertoire very good communication skills in their repertoire. Some have even read and trained in assertiveness, but they can't even overcome conflicts.

Why can't they solve it on their own?

There are many emotions involved, such as angersuch as anger, guilt or fear, which prevent them from seeing the solution. The topic of conversation becomes stressful just by mentioning it, because there have been many occasions of failure in the attempt and because they are looking for the other to see the world as they do, from the same perspective. This is where the main obstacle appears. The constant struggle to find out who is right.

The topics that we mostly find in the consultation that are the most frequent reasons for discussion are usually: reproaches regarding the lack of involvement in domestic responsibilities and with the children, different points of view regarding education with the children, problems with in-laws, infidelities not overcome, demands for individuality not understood by the other partner, problems in sexual relations, addictions or jealousy.

Keys to overcome the couple's conflict

From these considerations, let's see 8 rules that can help you to get out of the conflict.

1. Talk about the problem when you are not immersed in it.

Normally in couples there are certain repetitive scenes that end with a bad outcome. The couple mistakenly tries to find a solution at the moment when the problem occurs, and then the big dispute appears. It is difficult to find reasons when we have the emotional brain taking control of us. Therefore, it is advisable to talk about the problem once it is over, not "in situ".

It is not necessary to solve it now or today. Possibly you can talk about it and come to an agreement when you are calm.

2. Before discussing the problem, prepare yourself mentally.

Do a little exercise in adjusting your expectations so that you don't get frustrated if the situation does not not get frustrated if the situation doesn't develop as you would like it to.

Start from the premise that when you raise the issue, the other person will not perceive it the way you do.

Different points of view are just that, differences. You have to find a middle ground to adjust them and solve the problem. To do this, you have to go through a process of dialogueThe solution does not come immediately. Don't get frustrated if it doesn't come out the first time, because that will increase the anger and make it harder to handle.

Reflect on how the other person experiences the situation, try to see it from his or her perspective.Try to see it from their perspective. Perform a small empathy exercise to put yourself in the other person's shoes, to understand why perhaps the other partner is acting this way. Surely you will find in the exercise that the other person does not intend to hurt you, but interprets the situation in a different way.

Remember that everyone proposes different solutions, marked by their culture, their childhood belief models, their past experiences.... This makes them draw conclusions and values different from yours, and they do not see the problem as you do.

3. When you feel small and helpless, do not resort to generating fear.

You can draw out your strength by talking about a future where you are both happy. For example, we find many cases that resort to threatening separation at the slightest dispute. This generates more tension in the situation and makes it more difficult to look for an option.

Try to find arguments in which you express your intention to solve the problem, to do your part to seek consensus and continue walking together. to seek consensus and continue walking together.. This option makes the other member keep his or her defensive shield and makes communication and the search for alternatives easier.

4. The more the other person gets upset, the more effort I have to make to stay calm.

If we do not manage to be in an atmosphere conducive to dialogue, that will be the sign that it is not the time to talk. We can postpone it. There is a strange mania to solve everything now, and that only brings more problems. For example, on weekends, without the interruptions and pressures of day-to-day obligations, it's a good time to talk.The results of this process, which is more accessible, help to bring the communication closer and thus make the solution more accessible.

5. Apologizing is not for the weak

Sometimes, a simple "I'm sorry" can open up a thousand paths to a solution. Do not be afraid. Pride only entrenches the problem..

6. Without spectators, it is better

Remember the most important rule: "not with children in front of you". They suffer in the end from the arguments and don't know how to handle it. Sometimes problems arise in front of friends or relatives. It is better to bite the bullet and leave them for later, because when you have witnesses in front of you, the imperious need to be right appears and that only makes us become more extremist and radical to win in front of others.

7. Train yourself in A-B-C, the 3 ingredients that will help you express yourself.

First, talk about how you feel without judging the other person. Show your agreement with what the other person thinks or feels and validate it as well.

Secondly, ask him without using reproaches and without using irony what you expectwhat you would like to happen. Do it without generalities and abstractions, the more concrete the better. Remember not to bring up the past, we look forward.

Finally, explain the positive consequences that you think it would have if what you demand were to happen, not only for the couple but for each of you separately.

8. We will not open several doors at once

If you are talking about an issue, it is very important that you do not attract another mistake or past problem. It is forbidden to mix topics to fill you with reason.. The key is to dialogue and look for solutions step by step. If we mix, we open many wounds and then it is difficult to remain rational enough to find a way out. If the other person feels very guilty or hurt, it will not help him/her to do his/her part, he/she will tend to defend him/herself.

We hope these rules help you, if at any time you think you need a reinforcement or help to get out of the alley, in Psicode Institute we have experts to guide you. You can call us at 910000209.