Accompanying my child through adolescence: a guide for parents

A stage full of changes that can be disconcerting for parents.

Usually, adolescence is a stage of life in which family relationships falter, undergo changes and readjust to create a new structure and relational dynamics between parents and children, precisely because the latter are developing and validating their internal configuration closer to adult functioning.

And parents in turn are also at a time when it is necessary to check and refocus the style of parenting and communication, adapting it to the needs of their children. and communication style, adapting it to the relational needs of the new stage their children are going through.

Accompanying the child during adolescence

En este movimiento y reajuste es cuando a menudo aparecen malestares, insatisfacciones, dificultad de entendimiento, sensación de incomprensión y sufrimiento para una o para varias de las partes implicadas en el desarrollo familiar.

Estas situaciones pueden ir desde aumento de discusiones, desacuerdos en horarios y cantidades de salidas, preocupación por la orientación profesional, como aparición de otras conductas más disruptivas y significativas por ambas partes que impliquen conductas de riesgo, ya sea agresividad, consumos, o otros reflejos del malestar a través de comportamientos poco saludables.

Muchas veces los hijos exponen la dificultad en ser, sentir y expresarse en su esencia, pudiéndose sentir poco comprendidos y acompañados en este momento en que internamente hay movimientos sobre lo que uno fue, lo que es y lo que imagina que quiere ser.

Las dificultades de la adolescencia

Adolescence is a vital moment in which new focuses of interest and strong bonds appear outside the family circle, and the person who is beginning his or her adult stage asks questions about him or herself, others and the functioning of the world.

The answers that will be given will not always be concordant or adjusted to the style and expectations of the family, and Sometimes the difference will be difficult to accept, or simply because of an instinct ofThis can be experienced by the children as a non-acceptance of their difference and individuality, or simply because of an instinct of parental protection, in which the main desire is to avoid bad experiences for the children.

On the other hand, parents speak of difficulties in understanding the changes that are taking place and sometimes feel difficulty in sustaining opposition, free expression or even in dealing with applying limits in a fair and healthy way.

Adjusting parenting style

Sometimes it is also difficult for the maternal and paternal figures to readjust motherhood and fatherhood to the vital moment that the children are living. During adolescence, the children also need the accompaniment of their paternal and maternal figures, but it is important that this accompaniment be adjusted to the age and needs of each person.However, it is important that this accompaniment be adjusted to the age and needs of each person. The care and approach will not be the same with a baby or early childhood children as with an adolescent.

When this is not conscious, the maternal and paternal figures may encounter rejection and incomprehension and the sons and daughters may experience invasion and not being treated according to their age and real needs.

Should parents do without limits and rules at this stage of their children's development?

Does all that has been said so far advocate the absence of limits and the acceptance of any behavior within the family dynamics? No.

The line between allowing and accompanying the other in self-expression and at the same time setting limits in a sufficiently consistent and structural way is sometimes blurred and difficult to keep in balance, which can lead to situations in which both parents and children feel confused, misunderstood and demanded by the other party.

Professional experience continually gives us the opportunity to observe repeatedly that underneath this difficulty of understanding most of the time we are talking about Love and the desire to want to do the best possible for the welfare of both the other and our own.

So... Why are there usually so many points of disagreement? It is the moment in which it is necessary to ask oneself if what one believes that the other needs is really what the other needs... and always, the only and also the best way to discover what is the need or the desire of the other is to ask.

After all, a baby of months will not be able to answer the question of whether he cries because he is tired or hungry, but an adolescent has the capacity and ability to identify his needs and express them. After asking the question, it is our responsibility as adults of reference to accompany and limit that need or desire to reality, that is, to help to understand whether or not it can be covered, given the family reality and a healthy management.

Rights and duties

For example: the adolescent wants to have a weekly allowance, it is healthy to agree on the conditions and at the same time limit the amount to the economic reality of the family and to the learning of a healthy money management, which implies that there should not be an unlimited allowance, whatever the family's economic condition may be.

When, in spite of asking, disagreements persist, another approach is for the party that wants to address the situation to spend some time thinking and asking themselves questions about what is happening, how they are feeling and how they are acting in the conflict, in order to differentiate their own needs from those of the others. Once this is clear, ask the rest of the components to find an optimal time to communicate and seek the solution in the most favorable way for both parties.

In this meeting the communication will be much more effective if it is directed to express and find out how each one feels than if it is directed to highlight what the others do or do not do, the latter usually causes the interlocutor to feel judged and demanded, and at the same time causes that the needs and desires of both parties are not discussed.

If by putting the above advice into practice, conflicts persist or risky behaviors appear for one or more parts of the family, it may be advisable to consult a professional team to determine where the problem lies and to accompany the different family members, it may be convenient to consult a professional team to determine where the problem lies and to accompany the different members of the family in the elaboration and to elaborate and solve the difficulties.

Text by Virginia Tena.

Adult Psychologist at ARA Psicología. Specialist in Eating Disorders and relational integrative transactional analysis.